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Tired and angry…

09 Mar

By TAO

I’m angry and I am having a hard time getting past that.  It’s starting to spill over into my life and I’m not seeing the beauty in the world around me.  I don’t want that to be my norm.  Part of the reason is that I am so angry that I can’t find the words to release it, and tired that so few in adoption speak up loudly when things are not right, combined with the fact there doesn’t seem to be an end of cases that involve adoptions not being done right.

Doesn’t anyone care that at the heart of the matter is the adoptee who will bear the burden the longest, and deepest of all?  That above all else, the adoptee should not have such a story, as the story that changed their life, and identity, forever?

It doesn’t matter whether it is locally, where people fight against a father who did everything right and six years later, he is still not parenting his child and the pain that brings to one family, and the implications of that ruling makes me scared of what that might mean for the future, where possession seems to mean you win.  Painful decision in 6 years custody fight and watch the news segment.

Or the people in this post on PEAR Four Employees of Adoption Services Provider Charged with Conspiracy to Defraud the United States in Connection with Ethiopia Operations that are alleged to have done some really bad things…

I find I can’t write about either story without the anger seeping out and filling the page, the father that did everything right from day one – I have followed Rob’s story since the media first reported on it, and most recently here (#6) with the various links, and the post linked above on the PEAR website – it’s these stories and others – that have left me at a loss for words.

No matter what story it is, at the end of the day – it is the adoptees affected the most…for their whole life.

It has to stop…

Adoption has to be done the right way, or not at all.

 
12 Comments

Posted by on March 9, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child, Ethics

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

12 responses to “Tired and angry…

  1. Luanne

    March 9, 2014 at 6:18 pm

    Needless to say, I can only understand intellectually and sympathetically, not by being in the same position.
    There is something that has been bothering me, too. And maybe I just don’t know enough about current adoption right issues to say anything. And I probably shouldn’t say anything at all since I”m not an adoptee. But I’d like to know what you think this subject and about how an adoptive parent’s view on this fits into anything, if you don’t mind . . . .
    I feel like there is a big disconnect between some adoptees and adoptee groups on the one hand and adoptive parent groups/adoption groups on the other hand. And that people don’t use common sense as a way to bridge the gap on issues. Here’s one little example. On Twitter the other day I noticed that Land of Gazillion Adoptees (which I try to read and post on FB regularly) was collecting really horrific stuff that adoptees have been told by their adoptive parents. Now bear with me a minute here. Since I’ve been taking memoir writing courses for a few years now, I’ve been in classes with lots of different people writing their memoir stories. The same types of things have been said to many bio kids as they were growing up–by abusive and sometimes alcoholic parents.
    So when non-adoptees hear adoptees complaining about stuff like this and making it part of their “adoption story,” they can’t understand why it’s part of the adoption story.
    What seems missing is that because people are generally idiots (OK, showing my bias there) they don’t make the leap on their own: that this stuff IS way worse when said to someone who was adopted by the person who adopted them. Way worse. I’m sure there is research proof to support what I’m saying, but I don’t think you need support. You just need COMMON SENSE.
    So am I off base in thinking that adoptee groups could do more to get the antiquated views of the general public changed by making these kinds of leaps FOR people, rather than just collecting nasty shit my mom said to me? NOT making this about LGA at all here because I haven’t had time to investigate exactly what they are doing with this. Just in general: doesn’t all this need to be spelled out more for the public?

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    • Luanne

      March 9, 2014 at 6:18 pm

      Sorry, I used my other persona, but it’s DWLA mom.

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    • TAO

      March 9, 2014 at 6:49 pm

      Hey Luanne – came looking for your comments and couldn’t find them (sitting in moderation) not too with it today.

      Yes, people are clueless but I think it is also how the public views adoption and adoptees. AP’s are saints / Adoptees should be grateful – combined with the fact that they have been conditioned that adoption is wonderful, and there is no loss to the adoptee because we traded up at birth. I don’t know how you would ever get the public to understand that at its best – adoption is bittersweet.

      And some will never see the loss of the biological family as a loss, because they don’t see who you got your dna from matters. Just look at all the people doing “donor” eggs or sperm and choose anonymous…because that is better for their comfort level, and I honestly doubt they even give a thought to whether it will matter to the child – because how could you choose anonymous if you thought your child may one day want to know them?

      I don’t know if we could ever succeed when you have the adoption industry with their ads, and lobbyists, and preachers all that promoting adoption to save the poor waif, and the general public’s underlying belief/bias that you know there must be something wrong with us, and we must have caused our adoptive parents to say that – because even our parents didn’t want us…

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      • Luanne

        March 9, 2014 at 7:01 pm

        Thanks, TAO. I am wondering if I should write a post about changing the public perception, but not sure how to format my thoughts.
        Anybody who wants to change public perception, can’t give up! Eventually it should work. Look at how much has changed for gay rights, for instance.

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  2. heatherrainbow

    March 9, 2014 at 7:01 pm

    Yeah. I’m pretty pissed too. Pissed for my daughter who lives this hell. Pissed for myself. Pissed for my whole family who lost her. And, pissed for every family who has this loss as well.

    The problem, as I’ve found, is that its so much bigger than just my story and lots of other stories. I want to figure out how to stop this. And, I just can’t figure out how.

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  3. TAO

    March 9, 2014 at 11:08 pm

    Much better article on details of the outcome. http://www.sltrib.com/sltrib/news/57648198-78/manzanares-utah-judge-case.html.csp

    They asked him for child support – wtf

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  4. eagoodlife

    March 10, 2014 at 12:46 am

    Yes it needs to stop and it is not for non-adoptees to tell adoptees how to do it, how to live adoption, how to recover from being a victim of adoption or how to tell their story. It is not for adoptees to educate, to make changes and be made responsible for change in adoption practice. I’m all for closed groups sometimes for adoptees who need to heal, to make statements about adoption, to vent, compare and try to make sense of nonsense. We don’t need non-adoptees telling us how to do it! We need support from each other, understanding, empathy and compassion – common sense is always good but hard to find anywhere these days.
    You seem to be talking about American adoption here, adoption which reflects the values of your society, adoption which is to do with money making, profit and the hoodwinking of mothers into believing they are not fit to mother and that their children are better off in a ‘family’ with more money, more things and so on. While babies are taken from ‘undeserving mothers’ and sold to ‘deserving’ parents and society allows this to happen and makes it ‘normal’ you will be stuck with adoption as it is and as it has developed – still unethical, still traumatic, still immoral and still inhumane. The whole mind-set needs to change, the values which allow it to happen are so intrinsic it may never be possible. A capitalist society does adoption that way – for profit, for gain and at cost to others.
    There are changes, small developments, paradigm shifts, tiny break throughs. I did not believe I would ever see an apology to adoptees in my own country for their inhumane treatment in my lifetime but it happened. Now we have a new government doing ridiculous things to make international adoption happen faster and people talk about using ‘the American model’ of adoption – I can’t think of anything more horrendous!

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  5. Valentine Logar

    March 13, 2014 at 11:45 am

    Tao, I think what has to happen is people like you have to find a healthy channel to get engaged. There are organizations out there that help reunite, I wonder if they shouldn’t also be helping stop bad adoptions, or in fact if they aren’t already doing some of this work.

    Your passion is so clear. Your ability to research already so well honed, you would be in a perfect position to join, even lead one of these organizations. Surely they exist? Fury, perfectly aimed can create great change.

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  6. cb

    March 13, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    Wary and weary is how I feel. Also just plain sad about somethings yet still quite content in myself – just life I suppose. Anyway, I can’t say I’ve contributed much to this conversation lol.

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  7. eagoodlife

    March 13, 2014 at 9:52 pm

    Valentine I wonder if you realise just how much work is involved in reunion and in adoption education? “Helping stop bad adoptions’ is something that involves Governments and agencies who undertake assessments/home studies and hopefully have the skills to refuse those who do not have abilities to do adoption parenting which involves so much more than just parenting.

    Like

     

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