Because she gave me life…

01 Mar


If your mom, cousin, friend, the random person on the street – said she loved her mom because she gave me life, you probably wouldn’t think anything of it other than she was explaining the most basic of all concepts – of course I love my mom – she gave me life…

You wouldn’t automatically think she was saying “I love my mom because she could have aborted me“.  That thought wouldn’t even enter your mind.  So please – stop the assumption that our mothers must have considered abortion, and if we dare to say a completely rational statement like “I love my mom because she gave me life“, remember that you would likely use that as a fundamental reason why you love your mother.  You know the basic premise of she created me, brought me into this world…we just don’t have the raised me part to add that you would…

Adopted paralympic athlete loves birth mother “because she gave me life”

It stereotypes mothers who chose adoption, others them, and states that they are different from your mother, your cousin’s mother, friends mother, the random person on the street mother who experienced an unplanned pregnancy.  Get off your moral high-horse because you are making an ass out of yourself by assuming just because she chose adoption, she must have first considered, and/or chosen abortion.

If you say that about an adoptee’s mother – then say it about all the mothers who experienced an unplanned pregnancy, and even those who planned to get pregnant because life throws unexpected curve balls.  Every single one of them may have considered abortion, target every mother, because she could have chosen to abort – if you target our mothers…

Stop with the comments like this.  Partial FB comment: “…Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of the birthmothers who choose adoption instead of abortion.”

And stop with this crap, this highly insulting picture/caption of Steve Jobs that comes right out and states he would have been aborted, if abortion had been legal then – despite the fact that abortion happened often back then too…and this statement is noted to be from Heartbeat International.

Just STOP…and I’ll stop ranting about this when you start using pictures of your child with a caption of I’m sure glad I chose life instead of abortion.  Oh, and use pictures of other women in your church – stating you are so glad their mom’s chose life instead of  an abortion…

And by the way, I am pro-choice.  What I care about is that you are stereotyping every single mother that chooses adoption for her child as having first chosen abortion, and every adoptee as being saved from being aborted.


Posted by on March 1, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

18 responses to “Because she gave me life…

  1. Elizabeth

    March 1, 2014 at 5:59 pm

    I really loved this post! I am also an adoptee and I was told my my birth mother that she had actually seriously considered abortion with me.
    Prior to reading this post, that was something I often said when speaking about her or the fact that I was adopted, but now after processing your words, it makes sense that no one should ever have to bring that up. I am now a parent to 3 kids all of whom could have been aborted just like every other person out there.
    The Steve Jobs thing makes me crazy, I see it as another way for pro-lifers to argue their stance and using a well-known person to do it.
    This definitely changed my view on the topic!! Thank you!


    • TAO

      March 1, 2014 at 6:08 pm

      Thank you Elizabeth…I worry on posts like these that they won’t make sense. I find use of Steve Jobs to be inhumane and I’m guessing they never read his biography…


      • Elizabeth

        March 1, 2014 at 6:53 pm

        I agree with you on Steve Jobs! I think the adoption topic is a hard one to navigate and write about just to begin with, but you’ve done a great job at highlighting different opinions and topics that shows your readers how every adoption story is different. I found my birth parents, but never met them. My father died before I found him and I just never felt compelled enough to meet her. Very difficult story but I have a friend who doesn’t want to know anything about her birth parents and that’s hard for me to understand.
        I always felt better knowing… You can’t have peace until you find all the pieces.


        • TAO

          March 1, 2014 at 7:02 pm

          Thank you Elizabeth. You are so right that every adoption story is different. Whether or not you ever feel the need to meet your mother is your choice, but you are right, the knowledge of just searching and learning makes a difference. I am very different than your friend and it’s hard to understand for me but that’s up to her too. We are all unique and that needs to be the most important part of the message – although I would guess none of us is okay with adoptions not done right. My mother had also passed and my father wasn’t interested – but I have family in my life that I wouldn’t have had before. Cheers…


  2. cherry

    March 1, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    My son was born when I was 16 and adopted into another family. I never once thought of abortion, even though I am pro-choice. It was always about adoption or him staying with me. I wanted more than anything for him to be able to stay with me, but I wasn’t strong enough to make that happen. But I never once, ever considered abortion. He was wanted, but my pregnancy was unplanned. Unplanned and unwanted are two entirely different things. The tactics used by the pro-life lobby, to conflate the two, are simply unconscionably cruel on adopted people.


    • TAO

      March 1, 2014 at 6:09 pm

      Cherry – they are cruel on both parties to the equation – not sure who takes the biggest hit.


  3. Robin

    March 1, 2014 at 10:17 pm

    Steve Jobs natural parents wanted to get married and keep him. Steve’s (bio) maternal grandfather opposed the marriage because Steve’s natural father is Syrian. Back in the 1950s, parents had far more say over an adult child’s choice of spouse than they do today. So for all of those people who are so supportive of Steve’s adoption, what they are really doing is condoning racism.

    I read an interview with Steve Jobs and, unfortunately, I can’t remember where, but he said that he had lived his entire life in pain because his mother gave him away.


    • TAO

      March 1, 2014 at 10:42 pm

      Hey Robin – those who use him as a pro-life prop aren’t interested in how he felt, or what the facts surrounding why he was adopted – they are simply using a famous adoptee as a prop. It’s sickening.


      • Robin

        March 2, 2014 at 11:30 am

        You are right, TAO. How silly of me to concern myself with something as inconsequential as THE FACTS!


  4. dmdezigns

    March 3, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    I struggle with this too. I know my kids first mom didn’t even consider abortion with them. She didn’t have an abortion when she was 14 and pregnant from a rape, so why would she have even considered it in later pregnancies. My kids are growing up knowing that.

    I think the real problem though is this false idea that it’s abortion or adoption. That women considering abortion are also considering adoption. They typically aren’t. They are thinking keep or not keep, not which method of not keeping am I going with. I’m sick of people telling me that if abortion were illegal there’d be more babies to adopt. It’s sick. Both adoption and abortion are choices with implications for the mother making them. She should be able to choose which set of consequences she can best live with if that’s the path she’s choosing.

    I know a woman who had an abortion. I haven’t asked but I’m pretty sure adoption never seriously crossed her mind. Her entire thought process from our talks (prior to my adopting) was about keeping or not keeping. Could she be a single mom or not? Could she support this child? If she had carried to term, she wouldn’t have been able to place that child for adoption. I’m sure of it because I know her so well. So limiting her access to abortion wouldn’t have resulted in another child for adoption.

    So many who are “pro-life” seem only to care about getting babies born, they don’t think about the quality of life for the child after, they don’t want to hear about adoption failures, or abuse in foster or adoptive homes, they don’t want to hear about bonding issues. They want the fairy tale. The fairy tale says, place that child for adoption, and everyone wins, everyone lives happily ever after. If only life were as simple as a fairy tale we wouldn’t have to have these discussions.


    • TAO

      March 3, 2014 at 9:15 pm

      D – love your comments… “They want the fairy tale.” of course they do, and they want adoption so their tax dollars aren’t spent on those children they wanted “saved”. I just think they are hypocrites…haven’t seen a single one pushing for paid maternity leave through UI for the first year which is the hardest one to get day care for – or any other supports either. Can’t have something both ways…


      • SerialAdopter

        March 9, 2014 at 3:23 am

        Yes! I often say if you are going to be pro-life you must support life from the beginning to the end and it’s often very very costly. Most of our children have special needs and their medical bills are incredibly high. Thanks for your thoughts – I agree that presuming you know other’s thought processes is, well presumptuous.


        • TAO

          March 9, 2014 at 12:43 pm

          Thanks SA – I would imagine your medical bills would be very high. Thanks for stopping by.


  5. Robyn C

    March 4, 2014 at 6:17 am

    I have a different reason for hating that sentiment, “Thank you for not choosing abortion.” For some women, abortion isn’t a viable choice, even if they want one. Some states have restricted abortion to such a short period of time, that, by the time a woman finds out she’s pregnant, she can’t have an abortion. Medicaid doesn’t cover abortion, and abortions are expensive. Some states simply don’t have accessible clinics. Saying, “Thank you for choosing life” implies that the woman had a choice, when that’s not necessarily true.


    • TAO

      March 4, 2014 at 4:56 pm

      Robyn, you are right. It’s been scary to watch all the ridiculous bills that have been put forth in the last few years, the safety nets removed, the acceptable rape definitions, the war on birth control which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, and other than the Catholics NEVER was an issue in religion before…all just very scary…I keep thinking one day they will give their collective heads a shake and say what were we thinking. My theory on why now? All the doctors (like dad) who had to try (emphasis on the try) to save the lives of women after back alley abortions are gone now – so their voices of reason are silent and facts are irrelevant.


  6. Barbaloot

    March 4, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    Excellent point. It is totally exploitative and demeaning. And why not make the point with women who had a crisis pregnancy and raised the child they gave birth to? Oh, I will get incoherent with rage if I think about this more. But how profoundly twisted this view is – their focus is entirely on adoption, not on supporting women long term to raise children. If they want to support women with crisis pregnancy and discourage abortion they should focus on supporting them regardless of whether they chose to raise the child or chose adoption. But of course, they are usually the same people demanding that supports to low income mothers be cut, who judge single mothers, etc. Place the child for adoption and you get a pat on the head from them, but dare to raise the child and you are their enemy. (Yeah, I know there are individual exceptions to that, but I’ve never seen an anti-abortion group promote a program to support women raising children.) And of course, many women seeking an abortion are doing so for reasons more complicated – health issues, relationship issues. And ya know, we’re not just baby making machines! Okay, now that incoherent with rage thing is hitting…


    • TAO

      March 4, 2014 at 8:58 pm

      Hi Barb – you are free to rage here…it’s safe…


  7. onewomanschoice

    March 10, 2014 at 12:12 pm

    I’m a birth mom. And while I have chosen abortion in the past, I didn’t choose abortion when I gave birth to my son whom I relinquished my parental rights. Others (the father, my family, etc) wanted me to have an abortion, though.



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