It’s Just Simple Common Sense

07 Jan

By Shadow

Here I am, the less vocal of this blog, once again feeling the need to speak up. TAO’s last post about a two letter short cut to typing birth mother, left me so stunned that such a post even had the need to be written in today’s world of politically correct, positive, adoption language, that even had I wanted, I couldn’t stop myself from commenting. Oh for Christ sake, seriously, people don’t get why those two, particular, letters are offensive? Well, here is an explanation.

As if the medical meaning of those two letters wasn’t offensive enough, for me, coming from my equine background, the two letters stood for something just as offensive: brood mare. A female horse, whose, specific, purpose is nothing more than to produce offspring. Oh my the analogies I could come up with…so offensive on so many levels, I just will not even go down that road.

My adoptive parents have never, never, never, in my 49 years, ever, ever, ever referred to my first/birth mother as anything other than E, my bmom’s given name, or as my “mother”, which is what E is. For 49 years, never did my APs ever refer to my biological parents as anything other than their names, or “mother” and “father”. Though we all knew of the term, used by adoption agencies, “birth” mother, I do not recall ever hearing it used in my family. Even before I reunited with E and D, before we knew their given names, E was simply my mother, and D was simply my father. They did not need qualifiers. We knew who was who, when the subject came up. For those who would like to use the excuse of how that may have confused me as a child, well, I have two letters for you. Guess what they mean? BS.

I would type them out, but I’m just way too busy to waste my valuable time on such bull shit.

Seriously, what’s wrong with people? Is Bmom really that hard? I mean, really, if my mom and dad, can spend 49 years referring to my mom and dad as my “mother/mom” and “father/dad”, or simply as “E, and D, why can’t parents today do the same? Why do they need things like “tummy” mommy, birth, first, original, or the worst one I’ve ever heard stork mommy? Seriously?

Yah, yah, yah, I get the whole qualifier thing, and the need to distinguish between adoptive and biological. It’s confusing when trying to explain adoption. Tell me about it. I’ve been doing it all my life. All I have left to say is welcome to my world!!! Get used to it, if you are a member of the triad, because you are going to be explaining it for the rest of your life. If you are going to take the time to join in on forums, etc., and you want people to listen to what you have to say, take TAO’s advice. She’s going to save you a lot of embarrassment. Typing those two letters will only serve to make you look like another abbreviation of two letters. Do you know what those two letters are? I’d tell you, but all this typing has just exhausted me. Two more letters is just too much effort for me. I need a nap, and I wouldn’t want to offend anyone by using those, particular, offensive, letters to describe someone.

Oh my, I just can’t get the thought out of my head, as to just exactly what my 80-year-old adoptive mother would say to that two letter abbreviation for my Bmom? I’m thinking she would get the urge to wash my, or anyone else for that matters, mouth out with soap for showing such disrespect for the woman, who gave birth to me, and gave her a child to love. Yep, she would not be pleased with that two letter abbreviation at all. I can hear her quoting that Bible verse now, “Honor your Mother and Father”. For her and my father that meant both adoptive and biological. Too bad it doesn’t work that way for some people today. Oh, my the shudder I just felt, though my adoptive father passed away years ago, what he would think of such a two letter thing. Talk about the fear of God? In the end, if you wouldn’t say it in person, don’t do it online. It says way more about you than it does the people you think are being overly sensitive by getting offended by those two stupid letters.

After all, it’s not rocket science. It’s just simple common sense.

Happy New Year!


Posted by on January 7, 2014 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , , ,

11 responses to “It’s Just Simple Common Sense

  1. Paige Adams Strickland

    January 7, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    It’s not right. It brings up other associations, not connected to family. (At least not my family!)


  2. dmdezigns

    January 7, 2014 at 2:46 pm

    I’m merely going to say that maybe you should be more vocal. I can’t add anything because you said it all. And very well. Enjoyed it. May find myself sharing it the next time someone can’t be bothered to type. . . .


  3. marilynn

    January 7, 2014 at 3:33 pm

    Wow that was so cool. And it is possible for adoptive parents to refer to someone’s non-rearing parents as their mother and father because its true. I reunite families and many people don’t have comfortable logical adoptive parents that speak plainly. Many of my friends have wished their adoptive parents would have acted more the way you describe yours. Nice.


  4. shadowtheadoptee

    January 8, 2014 at 5:37 pm

    Thank you everyone. Marilynn, I give my parents a lot of credit for their honesty about adoption. They weren’t perfect by any means, but who of us are? They had their issues with adoption, and my reunions. For my parents, in regards to adoption, living with the truth was far better than living with lies, and the truth was more important than their ego and insecurities. As I am sure you know, reunion, even under the best of circumstances, is crazy, and hard for everyone. My parents, and I, definitely, had our issues with reunion. I am, however, extremely, thankful for their openness, acceptance, and understanding of the importance of biology.

    Heck, they were just as curious as I was. lol


  5. Tiffany

    January 8, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    When I am online, I use first mom or birth mom, but in real life, we do exactly as your parents did. Our daughter’s other mom and dad are referred to usually with their first names but we also use simply “mom” or “dad.” For example, in talking to my daughter about her various traits: “You have your mommy’s smile!” “You are a good drummer, just like your dad. He was in marching band.” “I got an email from J today. She loved the picture of you and your sister.” Our daughter will be 2 in just a couple weeks, and she is definitely understanding so much more. So even though we have always talked to her (and our older daughter) about her parents and her adoption, we are being very conscious to maintain this openness as she comes into understanding. We are certainly no experts, but like you said, we anticipate that if she is raised this way, there won’t be confusion about having two moms and two dads.

    I will never use the terms birth mom or birth dad with my daughter. Ever. Her parents love her, and they are deserving of our respect and love in return. We share a child together, so we share titles together. Just as I love my two daughters, I know she will be able to love two mothers and two fathers.


  6. cb

    January 8, 2014 at 10:21 pm

    My parents also just used “your mother” as well and it didn’t confuse me at all. Thinking back, I wonder whether that helped humanise her a bit more than if “birth” or “biological” had been used as a prefix, i.e. I think I saw her as a mother who couldn’t raise her child for whatever reason and then my parents came along and adopted me as opposed to a person who gave birth to my aparents child – birthmother does always sound as if she is providing a function.

    Online, I use bmom or nmum, depending on what forum/blog I’m on. I prefer bmom to birthmom because by just using the “b”, it can then mean both birth/biological. Even though I’m Australian, I use bmom rather than bmum because bmum does looks slightly rude!

    In a lot of ways, I think my aparents did pretty well in the adoption side of things. They’ve never had issues with us meeting our families. They stuck to the facts they knew rather than make up some mystical BS. Though we knew about their IF situation, it didn’t overwhelm our own stories. They haven’t ever “enabled” us, i.e. I think if we had ever put down our bparents so as to raise our aparents up, they wouldn’t have smiled smugly about how much more we loved them than our bparents.

    I still don’t really talk too much to my mum about my bfamily unless she specifically asks about them. I also try to gauge her reaction – sometimes I get the impression that she is starting to tune out and so then I change the subject.


  7. cb

    January 8, 2014 at 11:47 pm

    Further to my previous comment – one thing that I think is important when telling one’s child one’s story is that if one is hearing it second hand is to make that clear eg, “We were told that …………..”. In all our cases, the SW told our parents slightly incorrect info.


  8. cb

    January 9, 2014 at 4:01 am

    Just in regards to the mother/father thing. I was on a general subject forum a while ago where some chap came onto the adoption subforum and made a comment about adoptive parents not being real parents and all of us regulars went onto stand up for APs. Some of us adoptees then said we have two mothers and two fathers and that they are all “real” and I can’t count the number of people (who were mostly from the general forum) that felt the need to tell us adoptees that we only have one mother and father and they are the ones that raised us, the rest are sperm/egg donors. It’s not anyone else’s business what I call my relatives. I couldn’t care less who they call mum/mother/father, whether it is the person who raised them or the people down the street.


    • Beth

      January 9, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      I can’t tell you how many times I have gotten “in trouble” with moderators all over town for referring to my father as a sperm donor. It came up in those discussions of terms, I used it for what he did give, since he did not give birth and I am now told I’m supposed to call him my “birthfather”, my “BF”.

      I love it that the cryo-kids use this term in truth, and no one can say a word about it. For them it’s not supposed to be an insulting thing, but for me it is? Not really that much of a difference to me. One sent Fed-Ex, one delivered in person, same outcome. To me it’s insulting in a way towards the cryo-kids that I shouldn’t use this term, insulting that it is a bad term for anyone to use. I think that is a question I should ask their opinion on.
      p.s. disclaimer: I love my Dad dearly, he’s always been more than a sperm donor to me, always my father.


  9. shadowtheadoptee

    January 9, 2014 at 4:21 pm

    I often wonder if it is a generational thing? All of those qualifiers, APs feel the need to use today to “explain” adoption to their children, would have never occurred to my parents. Back then, even the adoption books did not use those silly terms. I don’t think kids to day are so stupid that they can’t understand the birds and the bees, or adoption. Heck, I’ve met some 8 year olds that know just as much about sex as I do, and all they did was watch television. Maybe parents should give their kids a little credit, and stop talking to them, and treating them, like they are too stupid to understand. Frankly, I think it is more that the parents don’t understand, otherwise, they wouldn’t feel the need to use those qualifiers. It makes me wonder if those qualifiers don’t just make it more confusing.

    Thank you Tiffany for understanding.

    CB, after all the years I spent trying to explain my complicated family situation, I’ve just given up. Now, I just let people try and figure it out for themselves. Everyone, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, etc. are just all intertwined with no A’s or B’s. Oh, how I wish I could see people’s faces as they try to figure out what the hell I’m talking about, and how nothing I say, when it comes to talking about “family” makes sense. lol The funny thing about that, most people wont ask for clarification, or question me. They just go away thinking I’m crazy, dellusional, etc. Ha, the poor blind lady. lol

    I get what you are saying about talking to your mom about bio fam. As open as our parents have always been, there is tstill that white elephant in the room. Adopted is never the same as biological, and it has nothing to do with how much we all love each other…just a sad fact of adoption. People sure do insist on trying to make it about love, and loyalty. Unless mMom asks, I don’t bring it up either


  10. shadowtheadoptee

    January 9, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    Beth, my BF, my husband, I, and one of BFs buddies were having dinner one night. D, trying to be clever, funny, and not thinking before speaking, made the remark to his friend, “I can’t take any credit for her. I was just the sperm donor.” It didn’t take but a second for him to figure out his mistake. He will not do that again. Funny, his buddy was the one most offended by the sperm donor remark. I was more upset about the “take credit” thing. I mean, seriously, the only person that gets any credit for me being my fabbulous self, damn it, is me! lol



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