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Still shaking my head…

30 Dec

By TAO

Just found a new-to-me Facebook Page for adoptees, but this is not about the page, rather one of those posts added by others.  A brand-spanking-new “birthmother” who felt the need to talk all about how wonderful her recent adoption of her baby was – on a page where adoptees have congregated to talk about the hard parts of being adopted.  She even added a note after her very detailed story of birth and giving up her baby – that the baby’s parents will not be called adoptive parents like the adoptees are posting in on the page, but rather, mom and dad…and she will be called “stork mom”…

“stork mom”

I thought “tummy mommy” was bad, but the connotations of “stork mom” as it relates to adoption…guessing she thinks it’s cute and has no real knowledge of adoption….

I feel bad for her, and if she went through an agency then that makes it so much worse.  One part of me hopes she never comes out of her very shiny rosy world of how wonderful it is to give up her baby.  The other side of me says she must have read the posts on the page to see that the adoptees are using adoptive parents, so doesn’t she get that being adopted is hard, and they probably don’t want to hear the story of the creation of yet another new adoptee?  Although why the penny didn’t drop that most use qualifiers for clarity of who is who…because we obviously have two sets of parents if we’re adopted…

I give up – no clue what could be going through her mind.  Just needed to say wow…adoption really is so very different today if that is an example of the norm.  The best description I can give is she was downright giddy…

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26 Comments

Posted by on December 30, 2013 in Adoption

 

Tags: ,

26 responses to “Still shaking my head…

  1. heatherrainbow

    December 30, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    I’m a mom of a trafficked baby. And, yes, it is very different today. The propaganda and public realations have really succeeded in koolaiding the victims.

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    • TAO

      December 30, 2013 at 8:04 pm

      But what happens if reality sinks in, or the open adoption closes? Still shaking my head – it was like it was the coolest thing she had ever done.

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      • heatherrainbow

        December 30, 2013 at 8:11 pm

        Those things are bound to happen… and then the pain starts, and she will be at a pretty high risk for suicide.

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        • TAO

          December 30, 2013 at 8:21 pm

          But that’s the thing Heather – all we hear now is how mothers now have counseling and education and support groups and whatever. HOW on earth does someone end up without knowing the gravity of what she is doing? If she is the norm then mothers from this era are going to be so harmed from it because they believed. If she went through an agency then they did a horrible job…

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          • heatherrainbow

            December 30, 2013 at 9:26 pm

            Agencies don’t get paid unless the mother relinquishes her rights. They are not interested in providing the horrors of adoptees and mothers who relinquish. They are interested in making money. They fill her up, making her into a savior. Let me tell you, there tactics of brainwashing these days (NCFA) are horrendous. They promise the world, and deliver a smack in the face. They promise “open adoptions” and these women have no legal counsel. The counsel either represents the adopters or the agencies, almost never the mother. The fact that less and less people find that adoption is the favorable thing to do, more women are choosing to parent as single mothers, etc, mean that they have a very small window to snatch a healthy white infant. It is not in the interest of agencies or lawyer to tell these women the consequences of adoption. Here is my expose on the infant adoption training provided by NCFA (National Coalition for Adoption) and the standard for all U.S. adoption agencies: http://reformadoption.com/Advocacy/main.shtml

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            • cb

              December 31, 2013 at 5:01 am

              I first came by your blog years ago and thought that it couldn’t be true that such counselling existed – having done it online, I know it does exist and is very widespead. You did a great expose.

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            • vampporcupine

              January 10, 2014 at 5:11 am

              “They fill her up, making her into a savior” this is so correct. They tell this mother to be that she is the very best mommy in the whole wide world for putting her baby before herself. What mother doesn’t want to sacrific for her baby? Especially of you’ve never been a mother before, this “plan” on how to be the sacrificial lamb for your child sounds like you love your baby more than other single mothers.
              When reality sets in, it will destroy her.

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  2. Deb

    December 30, 2013 at 8:02 pm

    I guarantee that the “stork mom” is numb. She is trying really hard to rationalize that she did a wonderful thing by supplying her baby so that two other adults could be parents. The high will remain while everyone is telling her she is wonderful, but when the showering of praise stops and the adoptive parents tell her to recognize her new place in the baby’s life (as far away as possible) she will start to feel the pain. If you think of the most painful events in your life, when you really did not want anyone else to know how you felt, you probably overcompensated to throw others off your trail.

    By the way, has anyone seen the movie “Philomena”? I saw it yesterday and it is hard for me to admit, but the emotion was so intense and relatable that a couple of times I had to force myself to remain in my chair and not run out the theater. As I have mentioned on this site before, I am a biological mom to an adopted person.

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    • TAO

      December 30, 2013 at 8:07 pm

      Deb…but that should NOT be the way adoption is practiced. That’s inhumane. I don’t go out much, hope it comes on tv but will be hard to watch.

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      • SaraC

        December 31, 2013 at 12:56 am

        It will be on Netflix soon.

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  3. Brent Snavely

    December 30, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    The only mother I personally know who gave her girl up for adoption thinks about it every day… perhaps the proud mother is not (yet) able to bear the grief.

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    • TAO

      December 30, 2013 at 8:48 pm

      I don’t know Brent – either she has been totally snowed and will crash or….she obviously didn’t hear what the adoptees were talking about…perhaps over compensating.

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  4. Angela

    December 30, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    I’m just sitting here thinking that this was NOT the experience of my birthmother. Look, if this woman really is happy about her decision, great! If she’s compensating, I hope she’s got someone to catch her when she falls. And I hope adoptees on that page are aware of how rare I think this woman’s response is. My mother was certainly not happy to let me go. She’s told me that she’s regretted it ever since. She’s had a hole in her heart that nothing could fill. And she’s over the moon elated since I found her last year. I really can’t think of any friends in reunion who’ve said their mother’s were happy to let them go….

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    • TAO

      December 30, 2013 at 8:45 pm

      Angela – I doubt it is the experience of very many mothers but how could it be. If she is the norm today and she had an agency then there is something very wrong being done. She should be grieving a loss like no other loss. No one from the page has commented on her post. I don’t want to link it.

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      • Angela

        December 30, 2013 at 9:23 pm

        Yeesh, I wouldn’t either…I guess I missed something? How did you figure out she’s the norm? Poor woman…Poor adoptee. I wonder how the adoptive parents feel about her? I wonder how they’ll approach adoption with their child? So curious…and tragic.

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        • TAO

          December 30, 2013 at 9:31 pm

          If she is the norm and the agencies are playing games – very scary. There is a growing group of mothers who believe adoption is a blessing – but at least they will acknowledge the loss. I would say they were pro-adoption, adamantly. How will the children do is the main thing – for adoptions that needed to happen – one thing. For mothers who celebrate adoption – I honestly don’t know. I didn’t want my mother’s life ruined by any stretch – but I certainly wanted her to have tried her best to keep me first, and from all accounts she did and never stopping wondering or thinking of me. Rock and a hard place I think many adoptees of the future will find themselves.

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  5. eagoodlife

    December 30, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
    Hopefully once reality sets in this mother will not become a “Stalk Mom”!

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  6. Deb

    December 30, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    Brent, as a “birth mother” I can tell you that I do think about my child everyday. The best analogy I can come up with is related to the experience that people have when they lose a limb (phantom limb). The limb is very real to you, as a matter of fact, if you closed your eyes, the limb would feel just as real as the one you can see with your eyes open. This is what it feels like to me, my mind knows that I cannot see my child, but the memory of my child is so burned into my brain that my brain is constantly trying to remind me that something very important that is missing. It is like having the fire alarm go off in your house to alert you that something is wrong, except in my mind, the alarm goes off all the time. It must be similar to what people experience when they have a loved one in a war that is missing in action. The person is not confirmed to be gone, so the grieving process is frozen…they continue to live on in your mind. I don’t know if my analogy makes sense, but it does to me.

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    • Brent Snavely

      December 30, 2013 at 10:27 pm

      Deb, That makes perfect sense to me. I was able to locate my mom’s family once the 1940 census data was made public. I made contact and learned my mom had died from cancer when I was six, and that I have a half-brother. At age 52, I was finally able to acquire a degree of closure as to my wondering if she was “out there somewhere”. For whatever reason, “mom” was always the focal point of my search and while dear old dad may still be living, I don’t have quite the same drive to know about him.

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      • Deb

        December 30, 2013 at 11:16 pm

        Brent, I am sorry to hear that your mom had passed so many years before. It must have been difficult for you to not have had at least one conversation with her. Speaking from my own experience, I imagine that you were at the forefront of her mind even in her last days.

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  7. Trace/Lara

    December 31, 2013 at 12:21 am

    Reblogged this on LARA/TRACE (author) and commented:
    All I can think: adoption propaganda really works and some mothers buy into it and believe it until something wakes them up to the reality (and nightmare) of what they did, then finally the harm and pain they caused themselves and their child erupts…

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  8. Dannie

    December 31, 2013 at 2:30 am

    IMHO she’s either compensating or trying very hard to believe that she’s done a noble thing. I’m a mother to both an adopted child and a biological child and since my youngest is only 5 weeks old I can say I would NOT feel rosy if I had given him up in adoption no way. And I shed many tears silently for my daughter because I can feel her losses. While I’m so happy she is a part of my life, I know her heart will be heavy when she grows and I wish it weren’t so. She’s 4 years old so I know she’s a happy girl and will have happy memories, but it doesn’t take away the fact she will need to face the harsh realities adoption can bring when she’s older.

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    • TAO

      December 31, 2013 at 2:37 am

      Hugs Dannie – it makes it better when you are free to talk…

      The compensating thing though is a real issue if this is how it is practiced today with smiling pictures and accounts from other mothers. Never having gone through either I can’t say whether the brutal shaming and actions vs the brave selfless hero that eventually deflates is worse – one is in your face and the other delayed. I don’t know….

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  9. cb

    December 31, 2013 at 4:58 am

    I would imagine also that the child ends up in an “emotional straitjacket” because they will never be allowed to feel anything but positive feelings. If one’s bparents and aparents are “in wonder about the miraculous thing” they have done for one, then what feelings can one be allowed to have but wonderful ones? If you try to ask those bmothers how they will feel if their child has mixed feelings, they will just tell you that their child won’t, their child will be grateful for their sacrifice. What sort of pressure does that put on a child who didn’t ask for the “sacrifice”?

    Also, it seems to me that for many of these bparents, their very sanity depends on the adoption being nothing but positive and thus they won’t allow themselves to hear any negativities at all.

    One thing I’ve noticed when I’ve read blogs by some of these bmothers is that they are so busy trying to make their readers realise that they came to the decision totally on their own that they end up saying things that could inadvertently hurt their child’s feelings if they ever came by the blog.

    When I hear some bmothers, adoptees, aparents talk about adoption, I sometimes think I’ve ended up in “Stepford, Connecticut” – because that’s what they often sound like – Stepford Wives and Chidren.

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  10. zygotepariah

    December 31, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    I saw the posts I believe you’re referring to. I was horrified. I visited her profile page because I actually thought she might be a troll (for one thing, if you look at her pictures, she looks much older than her purported age).

    If you look at her recent activity you’ll see she reviewed the agency (or whatever it is) she went through. You don’t want to link her posts, so I will try to be equally as circumspect. If you go to the agency’s Facebook page you might get a better understanding why she feels the way she does. It is, shall we say, very religious. I won’t say any more, but fair warning that the Facebook page may be triggering.

    I agree with cb that the child may end up in an “emotional straitjacket”. I just about fell off my chair when I read that the adoptive parents will be called “Mom and Dad”, not the “adoptive parents”. The natural mother has done enough be subjecting her child to adoption; she doesn’t get to dictate how the adoptee might choose to refer to either set of parents.

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