I was reading a post in Slate today about a journalist who acquired aphasia from a medication she was on for migraines. I had no idea that could happen, I thought you had to have had a stroke or traumatic brain injury.
Anyway, I saw some similarities to my aphasia – but not in every aspect I deal with. This blog has been so helpful as it has allowed me to practice writing, and getting the word in my head be what my fingers actually type, something I couldn’t practice in private because I also needed the feedback that what I was trying to say, was understood. I still have to edit almost every sentence – but not as many times, and I think it is easier to read, a win. In daily life it has also helped me in my speech too, so a double win. Thinking about that post later made me remember when I realized about a year ago that I didn’t use any contractions in writing or speech – I still write that way, but I try to see it and change it. Until that light-bulb went on – I was clueless that I didn’t use them, when I know I did before. I just couldn’t see it – because I didn’t know to look for it.
Now why am I bringing this up, and what does it have to do with adoption?
I think we need to remember to give the newbies more of a break when they first come to adoption. They need time to see the full reality of what adoption today is – when they arrive they are either in a pregnancy they weren’t expecting, or have come off a diagnosis of infertility and quite likely a merry-go-round of fertility treatments and what-not. Both sides are in their own versions of crisis – one way or another. They turn to adoption agencies for knowledge, and we all know there are good ones to very bad ones out there. I know I am not the gentlest person in the world, but I am trying to stop and gauge where they are in the learning curve. Many wouldn’t know an ethical adoption from a baby-selling adoption when they start out – all they hear is the pro-adoption publicity message that every adoption is wonderful, and whatever their adoption agency has told them. Many don’t even realize there is a slippery slope to go down (not that there is much father to go in the race to the bottom in today’s adoption).
To understand all the pit-falls, the challenges in adoption, and to the parties in adoption takes time, and often it is a penny dropping here, and there, before they fully understand. Now, I won’t give them a free pass once they have been around a while – no excuse for ignorance of ethics or the effects of adoption, when you have a wealth of information at your finger-tips. No excuse for bad behavior like not keeping promises, or doing something you know is unethical, or wouldn’t pass the “would I want someone to do that to me” test. But brand-new – they need grace extended. They need someone to gently point out the challenges and ethical problems they don’t see, and the long-term ramifications of going along with things that you wouldn’t allow to happen to a dog in a puppy-mill – if you were aware of it.
One of the reasons I insist on trying to doing your best to be polite in the comments…something I free strongly about. Another reason, I don’t need the stress of people trying to stir-the-pot or just being angry…
I do love comments, to hear other views, have debates, just not angry, nasty debates…we all have a lot to learn from one another, and good discussions in comments create that environment.