My last post was primarily about an adoption that needed to happen, and, how thankful I am that the babe would have good parents that are the right type of parents (my criteria). In that post I listed the thoughts that run through my head when I hear about “an adoption“.
This post is about how on-line people just rave about how beautiful adoption is…without knowing anything about the actual adoption they are cheering on. For all they know “that adoption” has so many ethical and moral concerns, that no one should cheer it at all. In what other situation would anyone cheer something that might be unethical, unnecessary, or just plain wrong?
The other day I stumbled on an adoption Facebook page that was all about how wonderful it is when an adoption happens. And I am still shaking my head over how eager people are to promote any adoption… (conversation paraphrased below)
Anonymous expectant mother is having a C-section tomorrow, give her some love.
The first commenter gives some support and wise warning words about open adoption isn’t enforceable, and, other sage words reminding her that she has the right to change her mind. Then posts immediately under that post with a “I hope that doesn’t come across as anti-adoption”. (WTH? is it anti-adoption to offer her with the truth?)
A few more commented to remind her that she doesn’t have to sign until she is ready, etc. Overall some real support that whatever your decision is we are here for you type statements.
Then the you are a hero, inspiration, awesome, brave, you can do this, amazing, strong, beautiful, selfless, etc. posts start in the comments…many, many posts.
So what’s wrong with that?
She hasn’t even given birth yet. She hasn’t met her baby yet. She will be under strong pain medication. She hasn’t made the final decision, but, the tone is that it’s a done deal, signed, sealed, surrendered, she is a “birthmother”.
And not a single one of the people posting those messages have a clue who she is…
Whether or not the father is part of the decision, or, she has cut him out by unfair laws. Whether she was moved to another state, away from all her familial support system, and, monitored by the agency worker. If she had unbiased counseling, and, legal advice. Whether the prospective adoptive parents have courted her, and, promised her the moon – but don’t intend to keep any promise made.
I could go on but will stop there because you know what makes adoption ethical…
The conversation started out good – unbiased support to make sure that if the adoption happened – it was on her terms (but tell me when adoption became something so sacred that talking about realities equals anti-adoption?). But then the “you are already a “birthmom“” crowd happened, and, you are such a hero started piling on…she could be the nicest women on the earth, and, the adoption completely above-board – or not, no one knows – yet they are willing to stake their own reputation that everything is just swell, because it’s adoption.
Stop being the cheerleader for any and all adoptions that you know nothing about…
Start looking at the actual situation, do you know enough to voice your support of this adoption? If not, and you feel like you need to say something – take the route of offering sage advice that may not have been relayed to her, red-flags to watch out for, and, offer her support for whatever her decision is, if you actually mean it.
Take “adoption” off the sacred pedestal of always good, always better…sometimes it is the right choice, sometimes it’s not…