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My Positive Adoption Story

13 Nov

By Shadow

By request, from a commenter, on another post, we’ve been asked to write about positive adoption stories. The request and the question asked by many potential adoptive parents, as well as, adoptive parents, for positive adoption stories always puzzles me. Why does adoption have to be either negative, or positive? I don’t understand, so I have to ask, “What, exactly, is a positive adoption story?”

I am apparently missing something, because when I look at, and think about, my adoption story, I fail to see it as a negative thing. I, also, fail to see it as a positive thing. I must just be confused? Yes, there are negative aspects to my adoption story. It would be unfair to my adoptive, and my biological, families to say my adoption had no negative aspects to it. It would, also, be unfair, to my families, as well as, myself to say it had no positive aspects. Uhm, so, can I not win here?

I, suppose, that is why I don’t understand: Why people insist on seeing my feelings about my adoption, and adoption practices, as negative, when they are simply part of the process of growing up as an adoptee. Why are my adoption feelings of grief, loss, and anger seen as negative, when those feelings are simply a part of all aspects of life? I don’t get it?

So, please, tell me, someone, adoptees can be normal human beings, with normal feelings, for everything in life, but adoption? Did I miss something? What is it they really want to hear from me? Why is it okay for me to be angry when a friend betrays me, a stranger is rude to me, or I see starving and abused animals, but unacceptable when I think about my adoption and see so many people taken advantage of so that others can profit from the unfortunate circumstance of unwanted pregnancy, or infertility? When I see children portrayed as objects to satisfy the needs of others am I really supposed to believe it is in the child’s best interest, and only see the positive side of adoption? It’s okay for me to be sad when I see stories on the news of people grieving the loss of a loved one due to a drunk driver, a murder, fire, or some other unfortunate situation or circumstance, but I’m not supposed to feel anything for my birth parents, my adoptive parents, and my own unfortunate situation, and circumstance, unless it’s positive? If I do actually feel something less than ecstatic joy, is there really something wrong with me? Does that mean I cannot see the positive? Am I misunderstanding what kind of positive story they are asking for? How do they ever expect me to see the positive aspects of my adoption, if I neglect to see the negative ones?

You asked for a positive adoption story, so here is mine. In spite of all the negative aspects to my adoption story, I have survived. I have loved, hated, felt grief, felt anger, felt sadness, felt loss, seen, and felt, the pain of my birth parents because of the choices they made that brought about my becoming an adoptee, and witness the struggle to come to terms with, and felt the pain of my adoptive parents with their inability to have a child of their own biology. I’ve, also, felt the love, joy, and happiness of all of my parents. The positive part of my adoption story: I have managed to come through it all with my sanity intact, the ability to forgive, and a sincere reverence for reality. My positive adoptions story is that I am not afraid to live, and experience life to its fullest, the good, the bad, the ugly, the negative, and the positive. Isn’t that what life is all about: the experience? Ah, what the hell, what do I know? I can tell you this for a fact. If, I, and my story, are not a positive adoption story, then there is no such thing as a “positive adoption story”.

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39 responses to “My Positive Adoption Story

  1. TAO

    November 13, 2013 at 8:05 pm

    Shadow’s back! You have been silent for too long my friend.

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  2. eagoodlife

    November 13, 2013 at 8:29 pm

    Yes!!! We survived, we love, we live what more do they want?

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  3. lynnemiller

    November 13, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    If somebody doesn’t like your point of view, then so be it. Tell your story the way you see it. Lynne

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  4. Don't We Look Alike?

    November 13, 2013 at 10:11 pm

    Well said!

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  5. Marijane Nguyen, MT-BC

    November 13, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    Your post completely resonated with me. I have very similar feelings about adoption and am glad that there are others out there who understand the many paradoxes of adoption.

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  6. catfishmom

    November 14, 2013 at 1:40 am

    So glad to hear from you, Shadow…we all have our own story, that is for sure, and we must respect one another even when we disagree!

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  7. Tiffany

    November 14, 2013 at 2:10 am

    This was so eloquent. I can only speak as an adoptive parent, but I don’t view the adoption of our daughter as all positive and there are negative aspects to it. I have often received backlash from other adoptive parents for acknowledging the negative parts. I’ve even been told I don’t love my daughter enough when I have acknowledged the negative aspects to my daughter’s and her other parents’ stories. Apparently, adoption is the one aspect of life that must be all sunshine and roses, and that to me, is very disingenuous. It does our children a disservice when parents are unable to acknowledge all aspects of their story.

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  8. Heather

    November 14, 2013 at 2:25 am

    Well done. Thank you for putting many of my feelings into words.

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  9. Maria Rippy

    November 14, 2013 at 3:44 am

    Yes. Well said.

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  10. artsweet

    November 14, 2013 at 7:07 am

    I think both of my children’s adoption stories (so far) are “positive” in so far as the regrets don’t, to the best of my knowledge, overwhelm their birth parents every day. Do they both wish they had been in a position to keep their children and sometimes regret placing them? Of course, Did my children suffer loss? Of course! Not acknowledging the full array of feelings that comes with any adoption story doesn’t make it a positive story, it just means some heavy duty denial is going on, IM – always so – HO.

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  11. 我是收养

    November 14, 2013 at 7:57 am

    perfect!

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  12. Lorene Wages Fairchild

    November 14, 2013 at 9:07 am

    An eloquent post but I guess I feel a bit different. Yes, there were some positive aspects to my adoption but the negative aspects outweighed them. I survived but not “intact”. I felt mostly pain in respect to my adoption which is why I view it as a “negative” experience.

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  13. shadowtheadoptee

    November 14, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    Thanks, everyone, for your support

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  14. Beth

    November 14, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    Being positive does not mean Ignoring the negative.
    Being positive means Overcoming the negative.

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    • cb

      November 15, 2013 at 1:54 am

      Well said Beth.

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  15. shadowtheadoptee

    November 14, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    Thank you Beth. That was the point.

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  16. cb

    November 15, 2013 at 1:58 am

    One thing also is that many of us have issues with the process in that we feel that end doesn’t justify the means.

    It is something we can understand when we look at animal welfare. For example, if animals are smuggled in, we never justify the end result by saying “Oh but the lion/tiger/other rare animal has a wonderful life with its new owners” even if it is extremely well looked after – we understand that the process is wrong and thus the end result is irrelevant – we can’t just dismiss the process because of the end result. I don’t know if that makes much sense but I’m thinking on my feel while at an internet cafe while on my holiday (I paid for an hour so I may as well use it).

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    • Heather

      November 15, 2013 at 7:35 am

      Your analogy makes total sense to me cb.

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  17. Beth

    December 3, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    “a sincere reverence for reality”
    I really like that 🙂
    It’s brought me more peace than anything.
    Was “enjoying” that today, like it or not
    was searching for the right words for that feeling, thanks (((shadow)))
    perfect.

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  18. shadowtheadoptee

    December 4, 2013 at 4:52 pm

    Hugs Beth, and miss you. Yah, peace of mind…in spite of it all. Sitting here smiling, because I know you understand exactly what I’m talking about.

    Hope all is well with you.

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  19. Beth

    December 4, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    Miss you. I wish I didn’t know, but glad that I do!

    I’m doing pretty good. But I lost two of my closest old buddies this week, they died within two days of each other. Two close old cranky men, one dark as night, one light as they come. Neighbors that died in the same homes they were born in 90+ years ago. They’d never admit they liked each other LOL let alone utter the love word, I know better. They gave each other hell, but they were always there for each other, and for me. We all share a distant grandfather. They both were like family to me, before we found out we were even related. Mr W died first, Mr M, after telling me there was “no way in hell he was going to that old bastard’s funeral”, died the day before his funeral. I am the executer for both of them, so have lots of work to do. They didn’t make it easy on me at all. (I am sure they enjoyed that part:) ). I can hear them now, “we’ll toughen that girly up yet…”
    I am still in a state of respect and awe of these hard as stone, large as life, manly men. I don’t know anyone with as much love in their hearts as they had. I don’t think it’s really hit me yet. I hope it doesn’t any time soon.

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    • cb

      December 4, 2013 at 9:29 pm

      (((Beth)))

      I just love your description of them – I can just imagine you talking about them at their funerals/wakes or whatever and making everyone laugh through their tears.

      I’m glad you post on here, Beth althought it is good to see you still stirring them up elsewhere 🙂

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    • TAO

      December 5, 2013 at 4:00 am

      Beth – so sorry – think I have heard tales you told about those two before. Hope you do some creative writing to share…

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  20. Beth

    December 5, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Thanks ya’ll. I am finding it very hard to talk about them without cussing, alot… my inner sailor is not only showing, but has taken over. Glad the funerals were/are not in a church.
    You would not believe what a huge mess they put me in. Their kids and grands will soon want to kill the messenger. Screw them too. If it’s possible for them to be laughing, I know the old bastards are. I am not about to give them the satisfaction of crying, or being thankful for shit, not one tear. I keep thinking about a line in a movie, I think it’s Cold Mountain, something about crocodile tears. I gotta look that up 🙂
    This positive and negative crap is too much!! I’m beginning to hate soulful negative positive chicken soup type bull…. my next weeks will be filled with it.
    I think the angry stage is going to last a while with this one. Better than being a big ole useless crybaby I guess. The most aggravating thing about it all is I know I can handle it. Is that weird or what? Thinking it’s more sad than anything! Maybe I am just so mad I am fooling myself. I’m OK with that for now.

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  21. shadowtheadoptee

    December 5, 2013 at 4:08 pm

    So sorry for your loss, Beth. As I sat here trying to think of what I could say to make you feel better…well, what can I say? Yep, they are up where ever laughing. They did it on purpose, because, yep, they knew you could handle it. They are proud of you, and, probably going to enjoy watching you kick ass. Just remember they loved you, but feel free to give em the bird when the urge hits, for putting you in this situation. They’ll understand. They’d probably, even, be disappointed if you don’t.

    Hugs, and love ya. Wsh there was something I could do to help.

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    • Beth

      December 11, 2013 at 4:56 pm

      Shadow, sitting here smiling, it’s very comforting to me just to be able to type and read with you all. Because I know you understand so much of what I don’t feel like explaining!! Love ya for that.
      Today my soul is drowning in chicken soup. glug glug choke

      Creative writing? Not so sure, but boy oh boy do I have some funny stories! You were right cb, the last funeral was a heartwarming laughfest.
      Funny story #1 (the rest I will have to send in an email)
      The backstory:I married a bad boy. Think guns, guitars, girls, motorcycles and big trucks. Rock n roll all night – party everyday (remind me to kick Gene Simmons ass)

      About year 10 of our marriage, he was being really bad. I had 13, 12 and 3 yr old kids in my home. My business had taken off and I was working non-stop. Hubby traveled the east coast working playing the guitar, he was gone for months at a time. I had several employees and a few neighbors helping me out with work and the kids. The old guys, especially Mr. M “caught” my hubby cheating, in public, in our town, with some chick they “wouldn’t touch with a 1000 ft pole”. They didn’t tell me. Hubby’s guilt/shame led him to loose it with me and we had the knockdown of our lives. I won, but it showed on me too. Mr. M, W, F, Z and Uncle G boiled over when they saw me.

      Sooooooo, I find out years later that they beat his ass, the places that I hadn’t already turned blue or made bleed, they took care of. They rolled him and took all his money and everything he had, tied him up in the stall where they castrate the livestock, and threatened him with the same. Then they threw him in the back of the truck, still tied up, freezing, drove him to the bus station and threatened to put him on the bus with a one way ticket to Kalamazoo, and threats of castration and “shot dead on site” if he returned. Apparently he promised and groveled enough to be driven back home (still in the back of the truck) to where he belonged, where he would behave, forever and ever.

      I guess this is where I should mention that Mr W and Mr M were both over 6’3″ and 300 lbs of cow and lumber tossing muscle. Either could pick me up like a sack of grain and throw me any way they wished (even in their last years, if they wanted to!) The first time I met Mr M was at my shop, on visit two he brought in a big generator to be fixed. He snatched it off his truck, carried it in and put it on the shop floor. All of us stood there with our mouths hung open, 4 mechanics could barely slide it let alone pick it up and move it more than a few inches. We had to get a forklift.

      One time Mr M and I were in my field talking about replacing our old fence, one of his bulls had gotten loose and we didn’t know it, it came running at us thru my field. Mr M ran toward it, they both stopped, and when the bull started up again Mr M grabbed it by the head and threw it to the ground and yelled for me to bring him a rope. I just stood there with my mouth hung open – I seem do that a lot around here…but eventually snapped out of it enough to bring him a damn rope as he lay hugging this huge snorting creature.

      One time I hit a deer with my car, it was horrible, cut my forehead, broke my wrist, totaled my car and the deer was still alive in the road. Mr. W happened to drive by and stopped. I asked if he had a gun, he said “nope”. Got out of his truck, jumped on the kicking deer and punched it in the heart, which killed it, threw it in the back of his truck, drug and hooked my car to his truck with a rope, got us all out of the road and took me home. I stood there with my mouth hung open the whole time, it’s hanging open telling this story LOL I don’t think I have any bigger tough manly man stories than those.

      I can imagine how terrified my husband was, haha. I do remember the day hubby became very kind and helpful. I was too busy with important things to worry about him so much. I figured it was because I’d gotten the best of him, sore and tired, and maybe he’d realized what was really important. I had no idea, until the other day when uncle G filled me in, what my good men had done.

      Many personal letters were sent out by the lawyer the day after Mr. M died. My husband got one that was mailed the same day he died. I haven’t figured that out yet. In his letter was a one-way bus ticket to Kalamazoo and a note saying “I kept it for you, if you ever need it, use it. Even if you don’t need it, do everyone a favor, use it.”

      Hubby has grown up since then, now more old and in the way than anything, they all became good friends and he’s been very good to me and mine since. They had a running joke that threatened to send you to Kalamazoo if you were doing something dumb, that part I’ve heard forever just never knew how it began.

      When hubby opened the letter he turned a little white, all he said was “I’ll be damned, that old bull really did have a ticket. I always wondered.”

      I’m still laughing 🙂
      and thinking I should tell any further stories via email so I don’t mess up your post, where I seem to be hiding out!

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  22. cb

    December 12, 2013 at 4:00 am

    “and thinking I should tell any further stories via email so I don’t mess up your post, where I seem to be hiding out”

    Beth if you tell any further stories via email then the rest of us miss out!

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    • Beth

      December 18, 2013 at 2:20 pm

      cb, I have your email 🙂
      uhhh I think!
      I feel like you, shadow, tao and me have been in a tornado together somewhere, and all of us came out of it just fine, and for the better. I could never leave you out, and think of you often. Sorry I am such a lame internet friend!

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      • cb

        December 25, 2013 at 7:51 am

        I do have an email address for you Beth but whether it is current or not, I don’t know.

        You’ll soon find out if it is because I’m sending you, Shadow and TAO an ecard for Christmas – for some reason, the three snowman in the card just reminded me of you all lol.

        MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!

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  23. Beth

    December 18, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    The grief project…
    that’s what I feel like I am going thru here. Watching myself from somewhere else as the stages progress, like an experiment. Haven’t seen anything shocking or unmanageable yet. Not sure If I am fooling myself or not tho. The grief is text book progressing. Others are doing far worse than me.

    I have become the QUEEN of delegation. It’s taken decades to get to this point, but obviously I have finally gotten the hang of it. I think I could teach lessons on it now, professionally LOL

    All the chips are in, and soon I get to tell Ms C, a neighbor cousin to all concerned, which one of the old dudes had the most money. She has wondered this for years, and they would never tell, both would say that old guy has way more money than me, I’m broke and may need to ask for a loan soon. Do you think I’d be driving this junker and living in this shack if I had any money?? I think she will be surprised, I was, very.

    I am proud of these guys now, now that I see the method in their madness. Both gave loans out to many of the kids and adults that lived and/or worked here. College, car, home and business loans. .
    All loans forgiven.
    Figures I had paid all my biz loans off LOL

    The old guy Henny Penny’s… all the people who worked here, showed interest in the farm, livestock, lumberyard, orchard, mechanic shops, campground, construction, tractor, equipment, truck, tractor trailer drivers, and other assorted work that goes on here – Who ever worked hard, paid their loan or rent payments on time, got their loans forgiven and/or got real property, business property and personal property given to them.
    All of “my” grown kids got 40 acres each. My son got Mr M’s home – “so he can live here after college, not worry about where and not have to live with his Mama”

    Uncle G got two airplanes and most of the heavy equipment, tools and the welding/machine shop.
    Me? too damn funny. I got 26 of my favorite people as “new” neighbors, if they want to be. And the best part is they are all in the free and clear and won’t have to beg me for money LOL they have all been given the way and means to make it just fine. And I get to sit back and watch .

    Oh, I got THE car. The horrid car that has plagued me since day one, the story of this car is probably one of the longest stories I could ever tell. The guys are preparing it for us now, Saturday it will be blown to bits. The big finally of the Christmas Party. Our military guys and firemen are too excited! I’m just happy at the thought of never touching or seeing this, this… car again.

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  24. shadowtheadoptee

    December 18, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Beth, you just rock. lol Oh, yes, the hell we’ve all been through, and yet, we are all still here, all still together, after all these years. Time flies. Yah, you, CB, TAO, and me, more like family than, well, our family, least that’s how I feel, and we’ve never even met. If we weren’t all seperated by thousands of miles, well, can you imagine if we lived close enough to actually get together? Talk about all hell breaking loose? lol

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  25. Beth

    December 20, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    I love ya Darlin’ My Paradox Pal, I think we learned to know to make peace with all the paradoxes together, once we noticed them. It’s hard to believe it’s been about 10 years. 10 years of dissecting and unraveling, yippee. Glad we are pretty straight these days!

    I may crack soon. And I doubt I will be very straight at all in any fashion for long. My daughter is coming home today!!!!!!!!!! I miss her so much it may do me in soon, 400 miles is too too far away. I had to make her go home after the funerals, I know it was good for her to get away from it for a break. She is taking it the hardest, she was very close to her old guys, she was their princess. Their meaner and tougher than they could ever hope to be perfect princess who did no wrong, ever, no matter what I said LOL.

    My grief of loosing them is nothing compared to the grief I feel for the way she is feeling. I get to hug her into next year before she goes back to work and home. So that’s helpful, may kill me, but glad we have some time.

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  26. shadowtheadoptee

    December 20, 2013 at 6:18 pm

    Hugs for both of you. You will get through. We got your back girl.

    Hubby comes in yesterday with the mail, and says, “This is going to piss you off.”, long pause as I’m sure he is eyeing me with caution, “It’s a card from bmom.” You know, after over 25 years of drama, heartache, and the pure hell…after how it all ended, and having no communications from anyone, in the family, in over a yearr, well, I just laughed. No anger, no sadness, and only a slight twinge of an oh, shit, what will it say. lol You know what I thought, after all these years, all the drama, and all the hell? my only thought, “Well, at least she still thinks of me.” It’s O.K.

    After everything we’ve been through, and after all these years, is there anything we can’t handle? lol love you guys.

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  27. Beth

    December 21, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    That’s just too funny. I was just saying a similar thing this morning about my bpeeps, it’s all good. It really isn’t such a big deal for me anymore. It’s settled. How strange is that! 5+ years ago we would have typed pages about that letter and all the wondering of what our mothers could be thinking.
    Not just, she thinks of me, that’s nice, done. yay!

    If dwelling in the land of paradoxes and dissecting ourselves did that for us, well, glad we hung out there for as long as we did.
    With my current grief project I noticed something, a lot of the pain, the drama, is from fear. Fear of maybe not being able to handle it when it hits you… hard to explain. The pain in the chest hit me, I noticed this enormous giant fear monster there, fear it may do me in or that it was too much to handle. Like a squirell darting back and forth in the middle of the road in a panic, scared and not sure which is the best way to run! I knew I wasn’t scared of it, and once I said that to myself, everything diminished to a much lighter pain, and I walked calmly to the right side of the road. Anxiety might be a good word. Maybe I will find a better way to word it, or find where someone else has worded it better, soon. It really was an eye opener to me.

    Maybe it’s something similar to cutting your finger. you panic a little, but you can pull back that anxiety and know it’s just a bit of panic and fear of the possible severity of the injury, what might be coming, more pain, shots, stitches, yikes, no working or picking your nose with that one for a while, it may stop you form your regular activities, will be painful, not sure what is going to happen.
    Once you take your mind off the fear and look rationally, you see it’s a cut finger, bad, but not so terribly bad, no stitches needed, you’ll live.

    I swear that fear and anxiety is worse than the actual sad thing that brought me grief.

    I’m trying not to let my daughters pain pull me into that fear, it’s hard! We are having a tug of war here, and a chocolate hug fest LOL She is not happy about me blowing up the car, she spent a lot of time in it with the old guy and all of their critters, yuck. Good memories for her. Even suggested she’d keep it herself, now that is irrational grief LOL

    A little of the recipe in our hot cider this evening, then she will want to push the button herself hehe.

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  28. shadowtheadoptee

    December 23, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    I’m no longer afraid of grief and loss. They just don’t scare me anymore. I’ve been through so much of it, I suppose, I’ve learned what to expect from it. I’m not afraid of the pain, not really, iether. I just don’t like it, and would prefer to avoid it, but know better. I can let it come now, because I know it will pass. It’s the unknown that scares the hell out of me. Maybe it’s always been the unknown that scared me so much. There were times I really thought the grief, loss, and pain, would do me in. They didn’t, and the unknown hasn’t either, least not yet. Through all those crazy, and I do mean “crazy” years: that damn sun just kept coming up. lol

    The car, the things, may not always be there. those things, they aren’t really necessary. the memories, the “real” ones, they never go away…even when you can’t see them, remember them clearly…they are still there, that feeling is still there. It can still put a smile on our face, because we know. Hugs.

    It so nice to have friends who understand. I keep thinking, people, who don’t know us, what we’ve been through together, must read this stuff and say, “WTF?” lol

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    • Beth

      December 23, 2013 at 8:49 pm

      “I keep thinking, people, who don’t know us, what we’ve been through together, must read this stuff and say, “WTF?” lol”
      You know there must be a lot of wtf? going on! I have a feeling that many that have been exposed to what we’ve lived thru too, and fought past the fear, would feel right at home too 🙂 I know I would! LOL

      I’m often reminded by others that most people aren’t as comfortable concerning graveyards, funerals, broken hearts and other difficult things, as I have become. I need to try harder to be sensitive and watch what I say about yucky hard stuff I’ve been overly exposed to. Too often I forget and think others “get it”. That it’s been as much a part of their lives as mine…

      Although, I would run fast and hard if I ran into anyone with the crazy life cloud (like mine) following them around too. And have in the past, I only want to handle one crazy cloud at a time!

      Daughter had a major embarrassing to her familypublic melt down. Gathered every critter she could find, while crying and yelling shaking mad. Cats, dogs, goats, a sheep, a turkey, chickens, ducks, all trying to escape, doing all this with bunnies in her pockets, and then a calf, which required assistance from her little brother, who was terrified and scared not to do what she said, put them all in the car with her, and dared us to blow it up.
      We were all laughing so hard, especially after the calf, and the chickens and cats and dogs chaos going on in there, feathers flying… kill me now. Just watching her wrestle these critters in there, and yelling at them to behave, while bunnies fell from her pockets for her to catch again, and then getting in there with them in her state thinking she would start it with her secret key and drive the car away… the car with the newly removed engine and transmission… and my son in there with this confused worried and terrified look on his face, along with some chickens…
      Then someone started singing the 12 days of Christmas and I couldn’t stand up anymore, omg, my ribs still hurt.
      Then she got mad cause we were all laughing at “her” and started yelling at me and throwing things and telling me how horrible I am, and I really am that horrible. I still couldn’t stop laughing! I peed in my pants, like seriously peed in my pants! Then she started laughing too. And yep, she eventually pushed the button. (ugh, like 3 hours later, glad it was warm outside)
      There was no way, after that meltdown, that any of the rest of us would come close to that button. She’ll never get away from this story, poor baby. Several traumatized critters around, yet, all is well in the land of crazy today!.

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  29. shadowtheadoptee

    December 24, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    I hear ya girl. I had to laugh when you mentioned your comfort level at funerals. I get the whole “What the hell’s wrong with her” vibe from people too. I can just imagine the looks on their faces, and wish I could see them. Lol While others are distraught with grief, crying, “Oh, it’s so sad!”, I’m sitting their smiling, thinking “the lucky sob”. Ha, and I know people are going to read that and think I’m suicidal, or something. Lol I know you won’t. You get it.
    A friend, I used to work with, had a son. He was a nightmare, always in trouble, drugs, jail, etc. The hell that kid put her through. She would tell me that she knew the day would come when she would get that knock on her door. She and I had been talking, and saying he must have a death wish just a couple of weeks before she got “the knock on her door”. Motorcycle accident, killed him instantly, 90 miles per hour into the back of a SUV. A couple of months after, she and I were talking about it with our coworkers listening on. I said, “you know. sometimes, you feel guilty, but it’s just a relief when they are gone, because you know, the hell is over.” She stood up and said, “Exactly.” The tone in her voice said it all, and I know how good it felt for her to be able to say it out loud, finally, be honest about it all. Oh, but the horrified gasp of our coworkers, while they listened on. Oh, the outrage, the anger, how could we say such a thing. She turned around and spit it at them, “Because, it’s the truth.” Yep saying it out loud, getting it out, freed her from the guilt of keeping it secret. The rest of our coworkers never did get it, or understand. They probably still think we are horrible, cold hearted, unfeeling, bitches. WE know different.

    Yep , all is well in the land of crazy. Amen sister! lol

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    • Beth

      January 15, 2014 at 8:26 am

      Thought I would come hide here for a while since I am flunking the grief project big time today.
      arrgg

      My 3rd old buddy, Mr F, died on me just in time for my birthday, he was 86. That one stung a lot. It’s so strange to me how all these guys died within a couple of months of each other, they’ve known each other well for most of their lives. It’s just too weird.
      Luckily for me his kids get to fight over his stuff without my assistance.

      Found out that Mr W left me part of his orchard “the apple trees, their roots and the dirt they are in”. The place we were when the earthquake hit right after I said “I feel so grounded now”. They blamed the earthquake on my roots growing. Some of the trees here today came from trees planted here over 200 years ago by our grandfathers.

      For my birthday, as he had planned, Mr M gave me a side of a mountain in North Carolina that belonged to one of my mother’s 6th great grandmothers. So just shoot me in the face LOL how am I supposed to handle that! I am not handling this! He researched land owned by my mother’s people, found it and bought it last year. So I will have another “home” near my daughter too. Knowing I wanted to move close to her, but would never sell or move away from this land that my father’s grandfathers owned.

      I never really knew these guys thought about me and this kind of stuff the way they obviously did. I really never thought they paid much attention to anything I ever said.

      I’ve just about finished all the paperwork I need to do for now. And am going to NC this weekend to see what kind of madness and work I’m in store for. All I know is there is an old abandoned hotel at the bottom on the road, an old landing strip up on the mountain and no roads on the property. I feel like I have lost all my energy tho, I’ve been zapped! So now if my memory serves me – it’s about time for the breakdown LOL I’m putting it on the calendar for tomorrow. And since tonight is pretty much tomorrow, might as well start now. Good thing that I know tonight that tomorrow is not going to kill me, I think. I am beginning to believe that happy/sad could be deadly tho, or at the least will drive you mad.

      (((Hugs)))Hope you all are enjoying the new year!

      Like

       
  30. shadowtheadoptee

    January 15, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    Hugs, and hang in there.

    Like

     

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