Shadow’s Spin Off From The Post “Double Standards In Adoption”

07 Nov

By Shadow The Adoptee

I first began this to be a comment in response to TAO’s post, “Double Standards In Adoption”. This is one of those things that, as an adoptee, I struggle with when the subject comes up, because, for me, it is such a slap in the face, dished out by the powers that be of adoption. These powers that be, who are financed, and encouraged, by adoption agencies, use the excuse of “protecting a birth mother’s right to privacy” to prevent adoptees from what is their birth right as a human being; the knowledge of their biology. Instead of posting it as a comment, I wanted it to stand alone. I am the less vocal one on this blog, I felt the need to speak up on this subject, and my words can stand on their own.

The Double Standard:

We are told, as adoptees, that being adopted is nothing to be ashamed of. We are told that we are chosen, special, and wanted. We are told that our birth parent’s wanted something better for us, because they loved us. We are told our birth mothers were brave and courageous. We are told of what a sacrifice they made for us, because they loved us so. We are told adoption was best for us. It was in our best interest. We are told we should not feel unwanted, rejected, or ashamed because we are adopted.

Adoptive parents call us a gift, and a miracle. They are proud of us, their children. They say they feel no shame in infertility, and making the choice to create a family through adoption. Creating a family through adoption is nothing to be ashamed of, yet some adoptive parents get offended if the word “adopted” is used as a qualifier. We are told that our adoptive parents love us “just as if” we were their biology?

I don’t understand? If this is so, why does the privacy of a birth mother need protection? If we, as adoptees, have nothing to be ashamed of, why would our birth parents want to hide from us? Why would they not want anyone to know about us? Why would our adoptive parents not want us to know our biological parents? Why would our adoptive parents be hurt if we wanted to know our biological parents? Why would agencies and other adoption organizations fight so very hard to keep we, adoptees, from knowing what all human beings have a right to know; who they came from? If adoption is really so wonderful, and we are loved so much by all, and there is nothing for anyone in the triad to be ashamed of, why is keeping adoptees records sealed so important to the powers that be, which seems, to me, to be everyone but the adoptee, for whom without, adoption would not exist? Who is it that they really want to protect?

If, as an adoptee, being adopted should have no effect on me, if I should be grateful for the opportunity of being removed from one set of parents and placed with others, if I should not feel any anger, grief, or a longing to know my biology, and I have nothing to be ashamed of, or reason to feel rejected, why do the powers that be not want me to know the truth about who I came from? Which is it? Are adoptees a miracle and gift, loved by so many, or a shame filled secret to be protected and kept hidden at all cost, by so many?

If adoption is really in the best interest, and well-being of the child, why are so many people trying to protect everyone’s rights but the adoptee’s? Who is it that the powers that be really want to protect?? Whose best interest, and well-being, is adoption really in? As an adopted “child” I could have believed it was mine. As and adopted “adult”, looking at the big picture, I’m having a hard time buying the bull shit.


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13 responses to “Shadow’s Spin Off From The Post “Double Standards In Adoption”

  1. eagoodlife

    November 7, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    Oh Yes!! Guess we all are! Great post ❤


  2. eagoodlife

    November 7, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
    Th double standards of adoption which impact on the adoptee from all sides.


  3. TAO

    November 7, 2013 at 9:32 pm

    So happy to see you create a post!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. http:Trace A DeMeyer (@Trace15)

    November 7, 2013 at 9:33 pm

    The powers that be want to protect their billion dollar cash cow called adoption – and this is a great post – thank you!


  5. shadowtheadoptee

    November 8, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Actions speak louder than words, and they wonder why adoptees feel rejected, unwanted, and unworthy? If they don’t want us to feel like that, then stop treating us like that’s exactly what we are.
    If they don’t want us to be angry about being adopted, then stop keeping secrets from us. It’s not being adopted that makes us angry. It is the keeping of secrets, and the telling of lies to hide the truth from us that we hate.


    • Heather

      November 9, 2013 at 11:14 am

      So well written. Thank you.


  6. Melynda

    November 9, 2013 at 1:18 am

    Amazing post and very powerful questions. Off to share on Facebook….


  7. lynnemiller

    November 13, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    I am glad adoptions are being done more openly. The secrecy that was so common in the ’60s when I was born only creates problems for people. The secrecy also undermines adoption.


  8. catfishmom

    November 14, 2013 at 1:46 am

    It took me til age 47 to truly acknowledge the shame I have felt about being adopted…it has affected me my whole life, and I really did not know what to call it…but it was shame for sure. Now I am trying to banish shame…I think it is going to take a while…

    Interestingly, I was able to to talk the other day with a psychiatrist about this…he had absolutely no knowledge of adoptees and their issues…I would have loved to educate him and wonder how we can effectively do so.

    Here I was in the psychiatric ward of a major medical center with depression which required hospitalization…he had no inkling why being adopted would lead to being depressed and anxious…very disheartening.

    It was only the social worker who asked me any probing questions.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Andre'

    June 19, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    Yes if there had been no secrets kept, there would have been no adoption. No shame, no justification, siblings would know siblings. Closed adoption would not be reality, open adoption no better or even a thought. When I found out at four years old my child had been secreted, name changed and closed off to us, In my mind (still is) it was the a-parents who made that choice. Now by some miracle they are forgiven, it is the agency at the center of attention, the greater keeper of secrets.


    • eagoodlife

      June 20, 2014 at 9:05 am

      Sadly many experience that the keepers of secrets are often biological relatives but whoever lies, ‘forgets’, leaves red herrings or fabricates, it is the adoptee who suffers.


  10. alane64

    April 27, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    Reblogged this on alane64's Blog and commented:
    I have to agree with the feelings of thoughts through this post. It seems to be a catch 22, for everyone and most of all the child of adoption. It follows us, through out
    Our lives, with wondering andomging for knowledge of ” Who am I?” What is my heritage? It leaves a bitter taste upon the tounge when mentioned or spoken.. Who has rights to what? Who are the ones protected and at what cost.



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