19 Oct


I really enjoyed this post Free-Falling Into the Baby Rage Zone: Another Adoptee Epiphany by Rebecca at Lost Daughters, reading Christine Murphy’s memoir Taking Down the Wall and being triggered by the words written.  Words or feelings that mirror in one way or another – what so many adoptees speak of – feelings of abandonment, betrayal, rejection, rage, anger, loss.  It all relates back to the separation of mother and child, and, the belief that mothers are supposed to fight for, and, protect their children whatever the cost. 

Some of us will put the blame on ourselves and try to explain why we weren’t worth fighting for – I speak to believing as a child I had flaw that others could see, but I couldn’t, as the reason my mother didn’t fight for me.  It was my fault.  That’s what my child’s mind thought – but even today, when I am at my most vulnerable, that child’s mind is always right there pushing against my adult mind that understands why, and, accepts my mother had no choice and it wasn’t me.  My need to be the perfect child growing up wasn’t anything my parents did – it was my own protectionist measure against being given away again – because if it happened once, it could happen again.  It has also shaped my need throughout my adult life to be the best daughter, employee, neighbor, wife, friend, based on the fear of being rejected – despite my adult brain telling me that people like me, that I am a good person, likeable – I continually strive to prove my worthiness.  The flip side of that is that I also don’t want to ask for anything, reach out to keep in touch because I might bother them, admit to any need – because I am afraid to be proven right… 

Why my rage (using Rebecca’s chosen term) is against a system designed to promote adoption, ensure adoptions happen, and, preferably more adoptions happen with strategic plans created to do just that.  I get mad when I see any of the following happen.  When mothers aren’t told the full information about the effect of adoption on the mother and child.  The mothers who are subjected to intended, or, unintended coercion.  The mothers who are promised openness – when no intent of actually honoring the promise exists.  When fathers are shut out of parenting by laws few know exist, or, downright deliberate actions to shut them out.  That is where my rage is focused because adoption is built on loss and should only happen when a child truly needs a home.

I would ask you to stop and think about why so many of us who lived completely different lives, and, didn’t know each other – have very similar feelings even if we react differently to the feelings.  If you don’t understand, then perhaps this short under 4 minute clip below on the role of implicit memory by Dr. Gabor Maté from Vancouver, BC, Canada can explain why some of us still feel the effects of our separation so many years later.


Posted by on October 19, 2013 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

15 responses to “Feelings…

  1. lynnemiller

    October 19, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    Our society does promote and encourage adoption perhaps because it’s easier and more lucrative than helping birth mothers who are not in the best position to raise a baby. What do you think? Adoption is very complicated. Every adoptee has a unique story. There are good and bad adoptive parents just as there are good and bad biological parents.


    • TAO

      October 19, 2013 at 8:16 pm

      Hi Lynne,

      Some children need adoption – some children don’t – but those falling in the latter category are just as acceptable to some agencies, lawyers, etc. Why would anyone with a conscience and integrity willingly choose to take a child who has a home and make them an adoptee?

      Show me an agency or lawyer who has told a mother that she is as good a mother as an AP and should parent. I’ve never seen that happen.

      Have you ever red the documents online for the Infant Awareness Training program to counsel pregnant women? You won’t find one that thinks parenting is an option or even worth looking at.


      • cb

        October 20, 2013 at 7:08 am

        It doesn’t matter how wonderful an adoptive parent may be if the process of adoption hasn’t been done ethically. Too many people seem to think that if a child ends up in a good home well that’s AOK, it doesn’t matter how they got there.

        The prevalence of programs like the NCFA birthmother training scheme at the forefront of “options counselling” with its directive counselling means that the whole domestic infant adoption scene in the US is operating in a compromised atmosphere as one can nver really be too sure exactly *how* an expectant mother came to her decision. It is like a big elephant in the room when one comes to talking to one’s children about the *reasons* for adoption.

        I love my APs very much. However, I would very much have wanted my bmother to have unbiased counselling which took into account her intrinsic qualities and her extrinsic circumstances and helped her make the best of her personal situation so that when she was ready to make the decision about hter child, she could have done so from the best position possible. Because she died so long ago, I can’t say for absolute sure what counselling/help she received but the sad thing is that if she had contacted her “agency” 20 years beforehand, I could be more sure of her having received viable assistance. In the mid 60s, I can’t be sure of anything.


        • TAO

          October 20, 2013 at 3:47 pm

          CB – that attitude really bothers me…


  2. eagoodlife

    October 19, 2013 at 10:39 pm

    I find ir deeply shocking that money motivates adoption, not the needs of children. Many adopters are no where near good enough parents while many are in that specialist role which requires so much more than just parenting.We adopotees who have found each other thanks to the internet have discovered community, based on similar experiences of adoption, feelings we understand, have recognised and validated, some of us for the first time.That is regardless of age, country or time of adoption. It surely tells us that adoption is pathological, our reactions normal.


    • TAO

      October 20, 2013 at 3:46 pm

      Community is priceless and I can’t imagine going back to not having it. How are you doing these days btw? Feeling better?


      • eagoodlife

        October 20, 2013 at 11:25 pm

        Hi there. Just been in hospital with pneumonia but pulling up thanks.


  3. cb

    October 20, 2013 at 8:02 am

    “The flip side of that is that I also don’t want to ask for anything, reach out to keep in touch because I might bother them, admit to any need – because I am afraid to be proven right…”

    That’s exactly me, I never want to ask anyone for help for that reason. I’m also reluctant to ask people if they want to do anything with me just in case they say no. I have a bad habit of asking in such a way that I try to give them plenty of outs so they don’t ever feel pressured. I admit that I suspect that to the askee, it probably comes across as my not really caring either way but it is just I don’t want anyone to think that I care too much so that I can save face if they don’t want to do anything. Another aspect is also because I just don’t ever want anyone to feel pressured and I worry that if I do show that I care, the person will feel pressured to come even though they might not really want to. I really do sound stuffed up, don’t I lol. (actually, the latter bit about being pressured comes about because of a friendship I had in the 1990s with a very manipulative person who was always making me feel guilty about things so that I ended up doing things just to keep the peace and I knew that I never wanted anyone to feel pressured into doing anything with me).

    Also, I do remember as a child watching some program where some child had a party and no-one turned up and it making me feel sick and I never wanted to have a party because of that reason. Perhaps we adoptees could say that no-one turned up to our party as babies – we were born and the main invitee wasn’t there to celebrate. Eventually, we got invited to another party but it didn’t make up for no-one coming to our party.


    • TAO

      October 20, 2013 at 3:44 pm

      We are so much alike CB and thankful I had the good fortune to get to know you even if I will never meet you. Cheers!


  4. Valentine Logar

    October 20, 2013 at 11:03 am

    Adoption has changed so much over the decades, however the inherent experiences of both the birth mother and the adopted child haven’t changed. Certainly there are times when there is real need for a child, in those cases we should celebrate adoption. The Adoption Industry though, it is a terrible and corrupt environment. It needs change from the inside out.


    • TAO

      October 20, 2013 at 3:43 pm

      I agree with everything you have written – why I try to keep chipping away at what needs to be talked about and fixed. Happy Sunday!


  5. Don't We Look Alike?

    October 20, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    Tao, thanks for this amazing video. I think it’s stunning.


    • TAO

      October 20, 2013 at 3:41 pm

      Luanne – he has some interesting insights. He’s a doctor whose current focus is with working with hard core addicts – and is very open about his own challenges. Google “Dr. Gabor Maté+adoption” and you will see many results, including videos.


  6. shannon2818

    October 22, 2013 at 12:20 pm

    adoption “should only happen when a child truly needs a home.” completely agree! Thanks for sharing.



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