I really enjoyed this post Free-Falling Into the Baby Rage Zone: Another Adoptee Epiphany by Rebecca at Lost Daughters, reading Christine Murphy’s memoir Taking Down the Wall and being triggered by the words written. Words or feelings that mirror in one way or another – what so many adoptees speak of – feelings of abandonment, betrayal, rejection, rage, anger, loss. It all relates back to the separation of mother and child, and, the belief that mothers are supposed to fight for, and, protect their children whatever the cost.
Some of us will put the blame on ourselves and try to explain why we weren’t worth fighting for – I speak to believing as a child I had flaw that others could see, but I couldn’t, as the reason my mother didn’t fight for me. It was my fault. That’s what my child’s mind thought – but even today, when I am at my most vulnerable, that child’s mind is always right there pushing against my adult mind that understands why, and, accepts my mother had no choice and it wasn’t me. My need to be the perfect child growing up wasn’t anything my parents did – it was my own protectionist measure against being given away again – because if it happened once, it could happen again. It has also shaped my need throughout my adult life to be the best daughter, employee, neighbor, wife, friend, based on the fear of being rejected – despite my adult brain telling me that people like me, that I am a good person, likeable – I continually strive to prove my worthiness. The flip side of that is that I also don’t want to ask for anything, reach out to keep in touch because I might bother them, admit to any need – because I am afraid to be proven right…
Why my rage (using Rebecca’s chosen term) is against a system designed to promote adoption, ensure adoptions happen, and, preferably more adoptions happen with strategic plans created to do just that. I get mad when I see any of the following happen. When mothers aren’t told the full information about the effect of adoption on the mother and child. The mothers who are subjected to intended, or, unintended coercion. The mothers who are promised openness – when no intent of actually honoring the promise exists. When fathers are shut out of parenting by laws few know exist, or, downright deliberate actions to shut them out. That is where my rage is focused because adoption is built on loss and should only happen when a child truly needs a home.
I would ask you to stop and think about why so many of us who lived completely different lives, and, didn’t know each other – have very similar feelings even if we react differently to the feelings. If you don’t understand, then perhaps this short under 4 minute clip below on the role of implicit memory by Dr. Gabor Maté from Vancouver, BC, Canada can explain why some of us still feel the effects of our separation so many years later.
“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”
― Walt Whitman
Oct 2014: You may speak freely, but please try to use words that everyone can hear about your individual story or view. If you don't, those who can actually benefit won't hear it, I want to see change in my lifetime. I may refuse to approve certain comments.
Elvis Presley ( 1960 ) Elvis Presley completes his two-year stint is discharged from the US Army. Bank Holiday to Save Banks 5th March ( 1933 ) : To help stop the run on US banks U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt announced a four-day "bank holiday" . All U.S. banks would close effective March 6 to help stop Americans from withdrawing their money […]