Just a short post to speak to the automatic defensive response I have read by some adoptive parents regarding the Reuters/NBC series on “Rehoming”. Why don’t they include stories about all the successful adoptions and good adoptive parents? It makes us all look bad!
There was no need to include anything about all the good adoptive parents, who, when challenged, found appropriate resources because it wasn’t about them. There was no need to include stories about all the successful domestic and international adoptions, because, again, it wasn’t about those examples. If you fit either of scenario – it wasn’t about you. It was about a very serious problem that exists because of the way adoption is set up, there is a dearth of post adoption supports available, including support when all other options have been exhausted. Somebody needed to bring it into the light of day, the adoption industry hasn’t to my knowledge, so who should have?
But as to why stories like this don’t include the good? We can talk about the need to show both the good and the bad in these types of stories, when positive adoption stories speak about the bad stuff that happens too (where are the AP’s crying out for that?). They don’t have to include the terrible stories like what happened to Hana whose “adoptive parents” were convicted yesterday for her death. Nor do they have to talk about “rehoming“, or countless contested adoption cases because fathers rights are something to be done away with instead of respected, including the most prominent case where even the UN Special Rapporteur James Anaya stands up to speak about Veronica’s rights as an Indian Child. But they do have to talk about the downsides of being adopted. Things such as how even in the best possible situation the adoptee still faces all the additional challenges of being adopted. How adoptees are over-represented in mental health settings. How the risk of suicide attempt is higher in the adolescent adopted population compared to non-adopted.
In the mean time, can’t we just start the conversation on this one particular area in adoption that desperately needs to be fixed? Can’t we as a collective group of people connected to adoption put aside our own particular stories, and needs, and push the higher-ups in the adoption industry to step up to the plate and fix the obvious gaps and flaws in the existing system? And keep pushing for the child’s sake?
The adopted ones blog 
monk-monk
September 10, 2013 at 5:11 pm
An earthquake didn’t happen today where I lived. Why isn’t the news reporting that? I mean, it’s AMAZING NEWS that an earthquake didn’t happen here. Nobody died from an earthquake here. The news really should be reporting it. Seriously. Somebody should email them right now to talk about it.
Or, insert: hurricane/tornado/apocolypse meteor shower/volcano/nuclear war.
Seriously. People are dumb.
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TAO
September 10, 2013 at 5:12 pm
Okay – I laughed out loud reading your comment – I sure needed that. Thank You!
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Paige
September 10, 2013 at 5:23 pm
TAO,
It baffles me too. Re-homing is a tough subject. I can’t help but think, “ok, you took an institutionalized child and caused even more trauma by dragging him or her away from their culture, language and heritage and then traumatized the child again by treating him or her like a puppy you can’t house train.”
“But he was a danger to his younger sibling!” Ok fine, perhaps you should place the younger child in a safe environment and concentrate on the child whose trauma YOU contributed to.
Excuses, excuses and excuses.
Monk, you made me laugh! Thanks!
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momsomniac
September 10, 2013 at 5:41 pm
Argh!
That response sounds an awful lot like “Why didn’t the news article about the brutal attack by White Supremacists mention some nice white people!?”
Unexamined privilege irks me.
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TAO
September 10, 2013 at 5:43 pm
Damn fine response Mom – see that is why I love comments even if I don’t reply – collective thoughts are always better than the singular.
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shadowtheadoptee
September 10, 2013 at 6:11 pm
Monk, love your comment.
I must be missing something? These stories make all APs look bad? Really? I don’t know? Maybe it’s me? A comment like “It makes APs all look bad.” says a lot more about the person making the comment than it does anything else…uhm…in my opinion. Seriously, how can the APs making these comments not be completely apalled by any of these things too? If they are, why not do something to help rather than make stupid remarks. I mean, if you think it is making you, an AP, look bad, then for goodness sake do something to stop tthe this kind of thing from happening at all, instead of making yourself look like an insecure, self righteous, hmmm, trying to think of a word here that’s nice, but nicest I could come up with is coward.
Hmmm, think that will offend those APs?
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TAO
September 10, 2013 at 10:04 pm
Shadow – I think it boils down to fear that they won’t be seen as real families and frankly they need to get over that…
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Alex King
September 11, 2013 at 12:59 am
Yeah, it’s a bit of a conundrum (spelling word of the day). As an AP I don’t feel that these whackos reflect on me, quite the opposite–it’s a good thing that Reuters is covering ‘re-homing’ as a despicable and irresponsible practice that should be illegal. It’s not about me or my adoption. It’s wrong and needs to be stopped, yesterday.
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TAO
September 11, 2013 at 3:59 pm
Completely agree Alex, I find the appalling silence of the higher-ups in adoption just as bad. Sure they have acknowledged that dissolutions happen (the rare ones as they put it) – but nothing on the find a new home over the internet and don’t bother about any over-sight happening – because that would be tantamount to saying adoption is deeply flawed as it is practiced right now. And I don’t care how “rare” it is – because every single “rare one” is a child.
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everyoneactdead
September 10, 2013 at 7:50 pm
The thing that blows my mind about comments like that is there are lots of positive stories in the media about adoptive parents and their families.
With adoption, people seem to have an exceedingly difficult time overlooking their ego and their experiences to understand the rest of the picture. There is a lot more going on than in your own life.
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TAO
September 10, 2013 at 10:03 pm
I agree but I also do believe it is natural to do that and coming together as a group is possible if we want it bad enough…
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Don't We Look Alike?
September 10, 2013 at 8:46 pm
Tao, I agree about the defensiveness of some adoptive parents. And sometimes I find those feelings popping up in myself and have to stomp on them. Since I started blogging I’ve seen the shutting down of communication coming from both adoptive parents (some) and from adult adoptees (some). It makes me sad when I see the shut down because how can we move forward as a culture when we shut out voices because we see only issues in, for lack of a better cliche, black and white?
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TAO
September 10, 2013 at 10:01 pm
Luanne – I was just asking myself why – you are right – some in all three groups do exactly the same thing. I tend to get fed up reading peoples comments and come back here to ask that we all just look at the damn issue…and this is a very serious issue – harm and worse could happen and if something isn’t changed the worse will happen. We just all need to listen – without our own story playing in the background – because there are common goals we can all work towards. BTW Luanne the defensive feelings are natural – but you recognise them and you respond to it. I get the same way and try to back down – sometimes it takes someone telling me I am over reacting…
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cb
September 10, 2013 at 9:29 pm
And let’s not even mention all the times where they blame the child.
I remember reading a thread on a forum once where there was great outrage at a father killing his 5 year old daughter – at least there was outrage BEFORE anyone knew the child was adopted.
When, they found out that the child was adopted, then out came the:
“Well then, she must have RAD”.
“Oh, the poor man, what must he have gone through?”
Even though there was actually no evidence the child had RAD, as soon as they heard that she was adopted, it was automatically assumed that she must have had RAD because adoptive parents must have some reason for killing/maiming their child.
That was also the tone of some of the replies I’ve seen on forums re this rehoming thing – “oh the poor people, the child must have so totally horrendous for them to want to rehome them”.
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TAO
September 10, 2013 at 10:02 pm
Hey cb – or the thread just stops and no more comments.
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cb
September 10, 2013 at 10:30 pm
That’s true too. “Oh they’re adoptive parents, Oh um yeah OK, nothing to see here folks let’s just move on (and bury this thread so that hopefully no-one ever sees it again))”.
As an adoptee (and one who wasn’t well behaved as a preteen), I sometimes wonder if I’d been murdered by my parents, whether the general population’s sympathies would have moved from me to my parents once they heard I was adopted. Back then though, I’m sure it would have been blamed on “bad genes” eg, “Oh I heard that that murdered child on the news was adopted”, “Oh, then that’s it, her bad genes must have caused problems” “Oh those poor parents, adopting a defective child like that”.
Actually, re my bad preteen behaviour, it was actually a relief for me to find out that I actually seem to have quite good genes and that there might have been other reasons, eg issues with older siblings (my mum’s belief), middle child syndrome (my belief (as I often felt ignored)) or perhaps *gasp*, there might have been some sort of adoption issue somewhere (though of course we all *know* that that can’t be possible (rolling of eyes)). Btw I was actually quite a well behaved older teen.
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eagoodlife
September 10, 2013 at 10:40 pm
Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
Yes indeed, we need to keep pushing ahead to fix th adoption industry, to fix adoption for those adoptees who really need it because their biological parnts can’t, shouldn’t or won’t parent them
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http:Trace A DeMeyer (@Trace15)
September 10, 2013 at 11:11 pm
Brilliant comments and post – whew, I hoped to see something about this that made sense to me as an adoptee! “Re-homing is a tough subject. I can’t help but think, “ok, you took an institutionalized child and caused even more trauma by dragging him or her away from their culture, language and heritage and then traumatized the child again by treating him or her like a puppy you can’t house train.” – exactly!
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TAO
September 10, 2013 at 11:29 pm
Trace – I think it is one of the toughest subjects for adoptees – simply because it means you were given away – again…talk about zero self-esteem after that happens. I am so very glad though that I am privileged to know AP’s who speak up and post here too.
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mad momma moogacat
September 10, 2013 at 11:32 pm
What you just heard was an appreciative slow clap from my direction. I’ve been utterly disgusted by the average AP response to this. And don’t get me started on the proliferation of bogus RAD diagnoses. Sheer victim blaming.
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TAO
September 10, 2013 at 11:49 pm
All thanks mooga! I just needed to say something because it was so over the top. Agree on the over dx’s…
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Dana
September 11, 2013 at 6:10 am
Whether bogus or not–they expect a total stranger to emotionally attach to them RIGHT FRIGGING AWAY, and diagnose them with *mental illness* when they don’t. Stranger anxiety is instinctive in small children and it would be maladaptive and life-threatening to not experience it.
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mad momma moogacat
September 11, 2013 at 12:45 pm
Agreed 100%. Why would a child, especially a small child, view an adoptive parent as anything other than a kidnapper? And even for older children who cognitively understand what is happening aren’t going to feel immediate respect and love. Respect and love must be earned over time, especially for a child whose heart has been broken over and over again.
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TAO
September 11, 2013 at 4:00 pm
One would expect adults to be able to figure that out…
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momsomniac
September 11, 2013 at 5:17 pm
Sadly, adoption agencies do everything they can to shield prospective adoptive parents from this reality.
During C’s very, very challenging adjustment to joining our family, I suggested the agency prepare families for a scared, angry child – not just a grieving one. They responded that “they didn’t want to scare anyone off.” I was frustrated on two levels with that thinking. One, if you can’t accept that a child will be scared and angry after being removed from people to whom they’ve bonded (and the place, and the language, and the smells, and…), maybe you should NOT adopt. Two, we had a young child at home already, and would have liked to have prepared him better for the trauma we were bringing into our home, especially since he was enduring the personal trauma of the invasive tests needed to determine his medical needs at the time.
In retrospect, we should have known, I know. I know. It is obvious. But when everyone is blowing unicorns, cupcakes, and moonbeams up your butt, it can hard to identify such realities.
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TAO
September 11, 2013 at 5:30 pm
Didn’t want them scared off – good grief (I seem to be saying that a lot lately). Way better to let the reality smack them in the face when the child comes home…
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mad momma moogacat
September 11, 2013 at 8:00 pm
One would, wouldn’t one? I just spent some time going through the posts culled together in Part I of the Reuters article, and with very few execptions that seems to be the main issue. That, and an unwillingness to spend the time digging in and making a connection. So many of the families had tons of kids beforehand and were clearly adopting as charity.
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mad momma moogacat
September 11, 2013 at 12:02 am
Reblogged this on Mad Momma Moogacat and commented:
TAO says it all. I am so frustrated by my fellow adoptive parents.
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gamacavei
September 11, 2013 at 12:55 am
Are there “good” adoptions? Even though I am alive today, is this considered a “good” thing? What kinds of things I have had to go through should not be asked of any child. Simply being alive is not a good enough factor for the adoption to be construed as “positive”
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TAO
September 11, 2013 at 4:07 pm
Gamacavei – every adoption is different – every adoptee is different – every experience is different. I have to believe there are other good adoptions despite all the added challenges faced including great loss – mine was good in that I had wonderful, ethical, honest, moral parents, and if I had to be adopted – I could not have asked for better, others had similar, some had downright horrible, terrible, should not have ever happened adoptions. There is no right answer to that question. There are actions to be taken to prevent un-necessary adoption (or guardianship if you are against adoption) – there is a way to make society better, to man-up and respect natural families and work to preserving them first, but there are horrible natural families that destroy children too. Every single one has to be case by case. I’m sorry if that is not the answer you wanted.
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JenniferS
September 11, 2013 at 2:25 am
Thanks TAO once again for an articulate & to the point post. Am also appreciating the comments as well. And thanks monk monk for the wry laugh! One gob smacked
/appalled AP here for all the reasons you are all making.
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TAO
September 11, 2013 at 4:07 pm
Thanks Jennifer!
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shadowtheadoptee
September 11, 2013 at 4:42 pm
Did you see the follow up on NBC last night? The response to the story was so strong they felt the need to address it last night on the nightly world news. I applaud them for not caving to the stupid comments.Being blind, I tend to be very sensitive to the tone of a person’s voice. As I listened to this story, the adoptee’s voice, the APs voice, here is what stuck in my head:
The Amother’s comment, so very strong, and adament, “Biological is different. I have a biological child. It is different.” uhm, ya think? Well, at least she was realistic about that part of adoption.
they noted in the report that the adoptee had been in two different homes before finding these parents, who thought they had what it would take to fix the adoptee, change her behavior. I’m paraphrasing, instead of quoting, because I can’t remember their exaact words. You get the idea.I’ll give them a little credit for keeping in touch with her after rehoming her. Thank God for that.
The APs when asked how they respond to those who critcize them, “They haven’t walked in our shoes.” Oh, my how many, many times I’ve heard that from APs. More than the comments, it was the tone of their voices that enraged me. How can other APs not stand up, speak out, and hold these APs, and those who ignore this horrid thing, accountable, then make a comment like “This makes all APs look bad.”, and not see how bad they are making themselves look? Sheesh, and I’m the one who is blind?
As I heard the comments from the adoptee, I heard her anger, her pain, and her resolve. Shame on me, but I found myself thinking, “You go girl, give ehm hell!.”
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TAO
September 11, 2013 at 4:50 pm
Hey Shadow – I didn’t see it last night – I’m glad they defended the story because my goodness – we are talking about children at risk for who knows what horrors? Indefensible. I was thinking about why I speak out and it boils down to the fact that I saw first hand people doing it right and then came on-line and found out that so much unethical crap happens today that I knew didn’t have to happen. End of rant.
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Kate
September 11, 2013 at 5:20 pm
Yeah… I don’t think it makes all AP’s look bad. It makes AP’s who try to give away their children on the internet look bad. If you don’t do that, well, the article isn’t really about you.
I can’t imagine how anyone could possibly think it was ok to find a ‘new home’ for a CHILD on the internet. I think disruption is such a complex issue, and usually has a lot more to say about the AP than the adoptee. You can’t parent a child who is trying to work through grief and trauma the same way you parent a child who has had a life full of love and security. It just doesn’t work… there is a much smaller margin for error. Every word, decision and action needs to be weighed so carefully to promote healing instead of inflicting further damage, because they are so very fragile. It is incredibly difficult and exhausting and compeltely necessary.
On the one hand, it is horrific to think that a child would be uprooted yet again. On the other… if the parents are unwilling or unable to parent a child in the way that the child needs to heal.. well.. maybe they would be better off with parents who get it and can be helpful instead of harmful. If they are being continually retraumatized by people who don’t understand things like “you can’t send a kid who has spent most of their life being hungry to bed without their supper as a punishment,” perhaps a new family would be harder at first but better for their long term mental health and happiness.
And also, I drove to work this morning and didn’t get in a car accident. I thought you’d all probably want to know. Cause we should report more good things.
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TAO
September 11, 2013 at 5:28 pm
Thank you for a positive story of driving to work Kate – we need those stories! I guess I should share my husband didn’t wake up grumpy today too which is big postive news…
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Kate
September 11, 2013 at 5:35 pm
Snort. I didn’t want all of the people who got in car accidents yesterday to reflect poorly on me.
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TAO
September 11, 2013 at 5:48 pm
All drivers must be the same – LOL
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TAO
September 11, 2013 at 5:28 pm
Has anyone seen the NCFA or JCICS or any Adoption Agencies speak about it?
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mad momma moogacat
September 12, 2013 at 12:22 am
NACAC response: http://www.icontact-archive.com/-muTXAz3b2HHCZWTlPomcUY3asOCkMq0?w=2
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TAO
September 12, 2013 at 1:14 am
Late today I went and checked and their response was far better than the NCFA which used the 2nd and last paragraph to extol the virtues of the majority of APs. Then they reassured it was only a minority of adoptions that fail and take that avenue. Do they realize that that there are real children in adoption – good grief – how many must be put in harms way before it is not okay and they get so upset they forget to placate the APs with words of praise. JCICS and CCAI are apparently pretending there was no expose. I am going to check out the larger adoption agencies tomorrow.
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cb
September 12, 2013 at 4:30 am
The NACAC seems to mainly about finding homes for children in foster care – i.e. they are about finding homes for children who need them. The NCFA is more about finding children for families who want them. JCICS acts as if they are about finding homes for children who need them but seem more about finding children for families who want them.
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TAO
September 12, 2013 at 2:19 pm
CB – agree…
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K-6714
September 11, 2013 at 5:55 pm
When the news show animal cruelty in a kennel, other owners of kennels don’t say “why don’t they include stories about all the good kennels and good owners of kennels”
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TAO
September 11, 2013 at 6:02 pm
So true! Welcome…
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dmdezigns
September 12, 2013 at 10:14 am
I struggle with my fellow APs being defensive about this too. I honestly don’t get why they feel the need to defend these actions. I’m an AP but I’m so glad that the rehoming report made the news. We should be talking about it. Honestly, I don’t give a shit if someone judges me harshly because of that report if it means we talk about it and we actually do something to fix the problem other than just talk about it. We can’t as a country continue to take children from other countries if we can’t provide for them properly. It’s imperative that more education happen for APs prior to adoption and that more services be available for kids that are trying to deal with trauma. Without both of those pieces addressed, we will continue to fail these kids. Additionally, every single parent in the report who rehomed their child through those boards, who didn’t follow ICPC where applicable, who only used a POA and didn’t truly legally terminate their own parental rights should be charged with abandonment.
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TAO
September 12, 2013 at 2:16 pm
D – I keep circling back to Hana in my mind – if only adoption had real hard post placement supports and monitoring of some type and the guts to stand up and say – what the hell is going on in that family…
Your comments will post automatically from now on.
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kellie3
September 12, 2013 at 10:54 am
I don’t know what else I can add to this most excellent conversation, but this post has been on my mind since I first read it a couple of days ago. Sometimes I have to let things marinate before I can comment. Anyway, before we lost our granddaughter to adoption, I was one of those pro-adoption people. Rarely, if ever, did I hear about bad adoption experiences in the media or elsewhere. Of course, this contributed to my families views that adoption was a “win-win” for our daughter and granddaughter when in reality it was totally unnecessary and did more damage than any good will ever come from it.
On another note, I think the use of the Internet in any case is a trend that needs to stop. I am speaking about those PAP’s who use it to advertise themselves to attract an expectant mom. Social media is great and all, but I don’t think we should be using it in any adoption scenario. The more questionable practices we accept, the more we will start to see those practices as the norm. Then before you know it the really heinous practices are then only considered “questionable”.
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kellie3
September 12, 2013 at 10:56 am
Sorry, I meant “the use of the Internet in any adoption scenario.”
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TAO
September 12, 2013 at 2:18 pm
The slippery slope or as it reads in my mind – the race to the bottom…the internet definitely has pro’s when it comes to adoption but with anything – the con’s are there too. Good judgement seems to go out the window…
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Snarkurchin
September 14, 2013 at 11:28 am
“Why don’t they include stories about all the successful adoptions and good adoptive parents? It makes us all look bad!” Translation: “SHUT UP. I don’t want to know about this. I don’t want to question my adoption, and I don’t want my feelings hurt.”
They know damned well it doesn’t make them ALL look bad.
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TAO
September 14, 2013 at 12:55 pm
Snarkurchin – when I see the reaction I cringe and then I get mad and then I rant…it is the most over-used response in adoption. Funny though when one of the many happy – everything is so beautiful about adoption stories happen – those same AP’s never use the response to show both the good and bad….
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keri
September 14, 2013 at 11:41 pm
just heard about this story today…..while i was gardening i felt the weight of it through my contribution as an AP and a christian…….thank GOD this is coming out….i think it is fair to blame in part the mass pro adoption save the orphan garbage spread through out the evangelical church……seriously wish they would just close all international adoption…….having a challenging child i can empathize with AP’s but this just makes me sick……….i can’t use my naitivity as an excuse…….i would also like to say i think this is more common than most AP’s are willing to admit…..this is not a “rare” occurance as agencies claim………i am willing to “look bad” if it saves more children……sigh………
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onewomanschoice
September 16, 2013 at 3:50 pm
I guess the part that really baffles me is when a story comes out on the news about a parent (let’s say bio for now) abusing their child, I never get offended or feel the need to defend myself as a good parent or all the other “good” parents out there. In addition, it appears that “some” adoptive parents don’t have the same desire to defend the all the “good” bio parents when these stories air about bio parents abusing their child. If I knew of a child getting abused (bio, adopted, step, foster, etc) I would be upset. Period! I think most parents are glad that the abuser was discovered and we hope that the child will be able to heal from their negative experience.
I think this story of re-homing is a great insight that many Americans were not aware of. We should never be afraid of exposing an injustice.
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kellie3
September 16, 2013 at 7:02 pm
You know, I thought the same thing before adoption came into our lives. I never felt I had to defend biological parents. Now that we are connected due to my granddaughter being adopted, I feel I get defensive when I hear reports of a biological parent abusing a child or reports that biological families are worse at “fill in the blank”. Sometimes I feel like biological families are attacked in this country because members of adoptive families need some kind of validation.
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beemommy58
September 17, 2013 at 2:19 am
The outrage is there on the part of APs concerning how there is no oversight to protect the children being “rehomed” ( I don’t even like that term for a dog, much less a child). For myself, that defensive nerve came about when ALL parents who had dissolved an adoption were considered “evil”. I’ve been asked if I would have considered finding another placement for one of my biological children. Heck yeah! If they had kicked me in the face, tried to choke me, punched me, abused and killed animals, set fires. Yes we would have, because my husband and I would not have had the resources ($450 per Day for residential treatment) to keep that child or our other children safe. As a parent of a traumatized child, you run a huge risk because if you don’t arrange a placement for your child who is being violent, you are threatened with losing the other children in your home to CPS. BTW, that boy that did all of the above and more? He’s home and we’ve waded through absolute hell in order for that to happen.
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Candace
September 17, 2013 at 10:27 pm
There is a huge a difference in how GOOD adoptive parents deal with a kid with difficult behaviors (get kid to a doctor, a therapist, a licensed hospital) vs how the awful, probably should never have been approved to adopt in the first place APs who cruelly “re-home” their unwanted kids.
What gets me is the trying to be supportive but just plain nuts most of the time self-proclaimed “trauma mama” adoptive parent community — you have folks who are not licensed charging other desperate APs for “parent coaching” and organizing “theraputic parenting” retreats for other APs in Orlando. They write blogs about their nutty parenting practices that only their fellow nutty trauma mamas understand!!
For example, Last Mom’s (who has blogged about doing baby time with the girl she adopted as a preteen! Gotta love theraputic parenting!) post received a comment from an adoptive mom named Annie Kitching, who extolled the virtues of underground re-homing practices, insisting foster care was worse:
http://lastmom.com/problems-with-reuters-series-on-re-homing-adopted-children-a-k-a-adoption-disruptions/
Annie failed to mention that foster care would never place another kid in her home due to:
– CPS having removed a foster kid M years ago (he moved back in aged 18)
– adopted Russian son Ilya committed suicide
– adopted Russian daughter A accused her brothers of raping her (they were cleared), got pregnant at 13 and had a baby at 14
– mandated reporters including A’s therapist (pre-baby), social worker (post baby) and delivery nurse (post baby) were so concerned about A that they independently contacted CPS
– CPS opened an investigation and sent in-home, wraparound services in hopes of keeping A and baby safe
While it is certainly possible that these children would have been worse off had they remained in their grim Russian orphanages, it is difficult to imagine how.
Scariest part? CPS is allowing Annie to adopt A’s baby (her granddaughter). Because a family that been repeatedly investigated by CPS, where there have been allegations of sexual abuse, where an adopted boy recently committed suicide is a totally excellent, high quality, likely to be safe home for a baby born to a vulnerable 14 yo kid.
It is a disaster waiting to happen.
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shadowtheadoptee
September 17, 2013 at 3:45 pm
I don’t know…it’s just this whole biological vs adoption, especially when it comes to abuse…How many, many times, I’ve heard the defensiveness of “Well, biological children are abused too.” Oh, how many times I’ve been asked, “What makes abuse in adoption different from abuse in biological families?” Oh, how many times I’ve been asked to explain, and talk, about the difference adoption makes. It puzzles me whhy people want it explained, because, really, isn’t it obvious?
I’ve wondered, over the years, as I became more educated in adoptions of children with special needs, why a biological family with a , uhm, for lack of a better description, out-of-control child wouldn’t struggle with what to do, or consider placing that child in another home. I don’t think the problem for families, bio or adoptive, is new, or even uncommon. When the added equation of adoption comes into play, oh, yes, it adds a whole different dynamic to the problem, not only for the child, but the parents.
It all boils down to the fact that “adoption” makes it different. Adoption is “not” the same as biological, and, again,, it never, never, never will be. It, IMO, boiols down to the fact that so, so many APs feel the need to make it the same as. These APs who get so upset, are, most likely, the same APs who get so defensive when “adoptive” is used in an obituary, and the same APs, who stand up and cheer, when “adoptive” is used, as look at this fab human, Steve Jobs, for example. He was adopted.
The same APs who cheer for adoption when it’s great, and hide their heads in the sand when it isn’t, because, they know, inside their souls, that no matter how hard they try to deny it, adoption is not the same as biological…because for some, adoption was never about the child, and they know it. deep down inside themselves. If we, adoptees, caan face the reality and truth, accept it, still love, both, our APs, and bios, for goodness sake, why can’t APs, instead of making stupid comments like, “It makes all APs look bad.”? I don’t get it, but I guess you an’t fix stupidity?
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Candace
September 17, 2013 at 10:33 pm
All else aside, APs have (theoretically) been well-screened before they are permitted to raise somebody else’s kid: a homestudy, security checks, reference checks, etc.
That is what makes abuse by APs extra-horrible.
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shadowtheadoptee
September 18, 2013 at 4:04 pm
Exactly my point, and why it aamazes me that people have the audacity to say to me, “biological children are abused too”, and expect me to say it’s no different. Abuse is abuse, but when parents have been “screened”, theoritically? I know a couple, both on their thrid marriage, both with biological children, who were a bit on the disfuntional side. They , with spouse #3, wanted, “a child of their own”. What? Like they didn’t “already” have “children” of their own? Due to their age, and the fact that husband had a vasectomy, they could not have a “cild of their own”, so they thought, “We’ll just adopt”. They were turnd down for everrything but an older child out of foster care. They were pissed, extremely offended and pissed…couldn’t understand why they were being so mistreated, after all, they wanted a “child of their own” and adoption made that happen? Yup, they passed a home study, even though their bio kids were a mess, they were a mess, and their families were a mess. They had good jobs though. Well, the adoption agency had their priorities.
People want to believe adoption is about the child…since when?
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shannon2818
September 18, 2013 at 3:07 am
Well said!
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