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Informed consent and what society is condoning being done to Fathers in adoption…

27 Aug

By TAO

Many of you may wonder why I am so adamant that a father is just as important as the mother, and why I get so upset that a father faces laws that seem void of common sense, dignity, and fair play.  Why should I care so much when my father didn’t give a damn when I was born, and still to this day doesn’t give a damn.  I am in the enviable position to know for fact that he had a choice back then, despite the laws at the time that specifically excluded him from having any rights.  He made his choice both when I was born, and when I was an adult, whether or not to be part of my life. 

I am thankful that my story turned out that he had choices, even if the ending of our story isn’t what I would like it to have been.  My father had choices, and chose to ignore the fact that I existed, shouldn’t that make me care less about fathers?  So why do I care so much?

I know the value of having a dad.

Dad was my go to person for everything.  Not mom.  Dad. 

Dad understood me in ways no one else has ever understood me.  We were a team.  I was his daughter.  He wanted to be my dad and said yes, we will adopt her.  Imagine the odds of that type of connection randomly happening in adoption, compared to the odds in a biological family where you both share the genes of your ancestors.  You can’t replace that connection, nor can you force it, and if a natural father wants to be dad, then that should be respected, and assisted.  Not cut out with laws designed to do just that.  Fathers should not have to fight lengthy adoption court battles, just for the right to parent their OWN child, it reeks of the dominant bias and feelings of superiority seen in some prospective adoptive parents – to parent someone else’s child.

Nor should any mother, agency, or prospective adoptive parents play games to ensure fathers have no real choice.  Known fathers should have the exact same choice, and legal counsel, as a mother is entitled to under the adoption law.  Informed consent.  Just like doctors must provide all the risks, and benefits, of a procedure before asking you to sign the form consenting to the procedure, it should be the law for fathers to receive the same legal counselling  and consent process a mother does.  Without that happening can there really be informed consent?  Without that happening can you look into your child’s eyes, and tell them that both of their parents chose adoption, and were treated with the respect, dignity, and honor that comes with being the parents who created your child? 

People talk about, or acknowledge, that many mothers had no choice in my era as to whether to parent, or not, due to societal requirements.  Most everyone agrees it was wrong to force and/or coerce mothers to surrender their babes for adoption without informed consent and true choice, and that it is still wrong today.  Yet today, that is happening to fathers all over the country, by the very nature of how the laws are structured, and some agencies, lawyers, mothers, and prospective adoptive parents seem all to willing to use the laws to their advantage, over common decency.  It also means the rest of us are condoning this happening when we don’t speak out, just like society back then, condoned it happening to our mothers.  It’s wrong.  You can’t say mothers are important, and they have the right to give informed, counselled, consent to adoption, and known fathers don’t.  It doesn’t work that way just because the mother carries the child, that child would never have existed without the father. 

My view of growing up adopted might be completely different if I had not had my dad I was so similar too.  There are far too many stories of adoptees not feeling connected to their family.  That feeling of not fitting in.  Different.  The adoptee is the one who pays that price, so you need to ask yourself if you are really willing to put your needs – above the needs of the child? 

Adoption is a good solution for a child who doesn’t have parents.  Adoption is not a good solution when a child who has a parent who wants to be a mom or dad…

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

Attributed to George Santayana, The Life of Reason

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8 Comments

Posted by on August 27, 2013 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child, Ethics

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

8 responses to “Informed consent and what society is condoning being done to Fathers in adoption…

  1. Luanne

    August 27, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    Fathers are being made irrelevant in society today. I know some people don’t agree with that and that some people think that that is fine if it’s true, but I do not think it’s fine. I think dads are important. The other day it occurred to me that there is a political split because people are looking at it all wrong–single mothers get a lot of criticism and they also seen as something bad (as if single mother = parasite) by many, so it makes for an all or nothing situation–either I’m “for” single mothers or “against” them. That is just ridiculous. Many single mothers are absolute heroes. But it is still better for kids to have a dad when possible and when he’s not a complete jerk. Therefore, dads who WANT to parent should be helped, not hindered.

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    • TAO

      August 27, 2013 at 10:15 pm

      You’re right Luanne – it seems like everything is so polarized to one side or the other these days – perhaps it has always been but with the internet it is just more apparent. I wrote this post awhile back and hesitated posting it because I thought people wouldn’t get it…

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      • thecreatordeems

        September 11, 2013 at 1:53 am

        I like your blog. Thank you for being an advocate.
        My ideas exactly, and I’d just like to add that unfortunately, our government is geared towards keeping the families broken, and alienating men. I know of several men who are homeless or close to it, and who can’t keep up child support payments and even buy groceries afterwards. Then they get thrown in jail, and that doesn’t help anyone but the gov payroll.
        DSS, the justice system, the doctors that push you to have you or your kids to get this medical test or that new drug, are all getting rich off of the ever growing numbers of single parents in poverty and without viable income, or a two person support system to nurture and protect the children, as well as help each other.

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  2. kellie3

    August 27, 2013 at 11:08 pm

    I think dads are very important. I feel for these men who have had their right to parent their own child stripped from them. They are disregarded and thought of as a nuisance, it seems, when many times a father is what stands between a child losing their identity or living in poverty.
    My parents divorced when I was 5. My mom re-married right away, and I think my father thought he wasn’t necessary and wasn’t real involved with us growing up. This was sad because my step dad and his family were polar opposites of my father and who we were. My brother and I never fit in with them. I would have appreciated my father rescuing us.
    I think his actions taught me to believe men just didn’t care about kids. Imagine how surprised I was when my son expressed his wish to have kids when he grew up. He even knew he wanted a girl and a boy. He’s 16 now and still wants that family.
    I’ve also watched how my daughters relate to their father. It’s a relationship I have a hard time understanding since I didn’t experience anything like it. It makes me happy for them but sad for what I lost when my parents divorced.

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  3. eagoodlife

    August 28, 2013 at 12:07 am

    Fathers it seems were once relieved not to have any responsibility for pregnancy and adoption specially if like mine they were already married with four kids! Today things are different, times have changed and fathers are willing to step up and should be given every encouragement.
    “you need to ask yourself if you are really willing to put your needs – above the needs of the child?” – many parents are not.

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  4. Kidzmom

    August 28, 2013 at 2:27 am

    Wonderful post! Here’s another father needing help: https://www.facebook.com/groups/BringingHopeHome/

    Thank you for your attention!

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  5. Barbaloot

    September 3, 2013 at 7:50 am

    Well said TAO. I’m a single adoptive mother by choice, and I genuinely do not believe my son is lacking anything by not having a dad in the house. (What he is lacking by not getting to stay with his birth family is another topic.) For me, it is not about being pro- or anti- fathers. It’s about equality. Men can be stellar parents, and being female is no guarantee that anyone will be a great mom. The best situation for a child is to be able to stay with his or her original family, whether that is the mother, the father, both together or with shared custody. When we dismiss fathers’ desire and ability to parent their children, we are buying into creaky old sexist stereotypes that shortchange men, women and children. (And personally, I have an amazing daddy who is probably the only person who really and truly understands me. My mother certainly does not!)

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  6. Andre'

    June 22, 2014 at 9:56 am

    I am a father twice over. Dad to one. Lost my oldest to a young mother not supported by her family, trapped by pre birth adoption ideology, made to feel undeserving to be a worthy mother. I think she would have been if she had been encouraged. A lot of tears shed to find out fours years after a closed adoption swallowed up our child, left a whole in our lives that burdens all four of our
    children. Adoptive parents who call themselves Christian, but steal children from vulnerable mothers instead of helping to encourage them. My daughter tells me her a mom encouraged her to give up her kid to adoption. Weird cause now a mom is the most trusted baby sitter. Glad both my daughters trust me with their kids. 28 years later, a year and a half into union, A lot of questions, a lot of sorrow, secrets suck, adoption sucks. A lot of challenges ahead, so much pain to work through, our kids are not bonded, but the grandkids sure have.

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