Kellie at All In The Family Adoption has a post up about the pending decision about Baby Veronica that highlights a comment that someone is listening to the adult adoptee voice. I read the link she provided and then after that I did a quick google search and came to this post written by someone affiliated with the NCFA that spun my mind in a couple different directions, and although there are other areas of her post that I would comment on – the sentence that stuck out to me was:
“It would not be an easy decision for a child who has now lived a divided life.”
That’s what adoption does. Every adoptee lives a divided life – whether it is a contested adoption, harmonious adoption, open adoption, closed adoption, or any other variation. It doesn’t matter if the adoptee ever lived with their family of birth, another family, or went home from the hospital with their adoptive parents. Our biological connection may be legally severed, but you can’t change that we were born into one family and grew up in another family. What level the adoptee feels that divide will vary but they will feel it, the act of surrender and adoption created that divide. Even the adoptee who has no interest at all in knowing their family of birth – still recognises that they have another family out there that they came from, and likely thinks about them more than you would expect.
We live our entire adopted life having two families. Imagine what it is like to have two families (birth and adoptive). Have you ever tried, really tried? Don’t you think you would feel like you lived a divided life? And society, oh my, they want to tell you who your real parents are and how you should feel and act. I received a comment the other day on the post about those horrid TV shows “That child will be able to look back and see why they were adopted and how devastating it was to the biological mother. Rather than wonder why or feel like they don’t matter.” I asked if the commenter she was an adoptee, but no response so my assumption she is just another voice from society telling the adoptee how they must feel, and amazingly she must also think that adoptees can’t figure out all on their own that it would be excrutiating for our mothers. Sigh…
Adoption can make the best of a bad situation but it isn’t magic and can’t erase reality – no matter how good of a life you have – you still have two families – you still live a divided life, how it affects you is up to you.
“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”
― Walt Whitman
Oct 2014: You may speak freely, but please try to use words that everyone can hear about your individual story or view. If you don't, those who can actually benefit won't hear it, I want to see change in my lifetime. I may refuse to approve certain comments.
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