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Daily Archives: November 11, 2012

Personal Opinion Regarding Adoption Prompt…

By TAO

November 11th prompt…Personal Opinions Regarding Adoption

What is your opinion of adoption today? Are you in favor of or against adoption, and how do various circumstances affect your opinion? Has your opinion changed over time? If so, what caused you to rethink your former opinion? What do you think is the biggest need for change in the adoption industry or is the current model for adoption fine the way it is?

Adoption will always be needed for some situations, safety, addiction issues, or even if the mother just does not want to parent and has no desire for children.  Adoption should never again be considered the solution to a societal issue like it was during the Baby Scoop (my era), whatever the societal issue – tackle the issue, don’t slap the band-aid fix-all “adoption solution” on it.

Of course my opinion has changed over time – as a young teen before I understood societal issues, my feeling was if babies needed adopted, they needed to be adopted by adoptees, because they would understand the feelings – so even then my feelings were changing.  As I matured and life dealt some stunning blows my feelings evolved each time.  As I started to learn about how adoption was practiced in today’s world – some areas I liked – others stuck in my craw – others just left me angry that in decades since I had been adopted, little to nothing had really been learned.

Several things really need changing.  I don’t think I can narrow it down to just one.

Adoption Advocates and people who self label as Pro-Adoption need to stand up and support adult adoptees in fighting for our right to our Original Birth Certificates.  You can’t be an Adoption Advocate or Pro-Adoption if you don’t support and work for Adoptee Rights.

Agencies need to stop promoting that the mother has a right to a confidential adoption – full stop.  Instead they need to focus on education of why that is harmful to the one adopted, not just in the equality battle, but in terms of self-identity, self-worth, self-esteem, and health wise.  Even if the mother wishes no contact during childhood – I have no doubt that any mother who was provided that type of education – would choose to deny to at least meet her adult child answer any questions.

The profit in adoption needs to go, and above all – stop spending millions of dollars each year advertising for mothers to choose adoption, counselling needs to be non-directive, instead of what now which appears to only show her adoption is better than her parenting.  So many other areas of concern here, the prospective parents at the hospital bothers me no end – nor should the SW show up the minute papers can be signed – rather only if, or when, the mother calls them.  We should be working to make adoption rare and not the norm.

The implications of the new knowledge of how stress affects the fetus should be a serious area of study when it comes to adoption.  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that a mother considering adoption will be under great stress, and the implications long-term for the child are too great to ignore.  I talk about the research in this post.  Yet adoption advocates are trying to find ways to get more mothers to choose adoption – rather than finding ways to help them in the early years, things like paid mat leave through unemployment – Canada has a year and your job is secure, so why isn’t that possible in the US for starters.

I could go on, and on, because so much could be done better – but will close with this.  Fix the damn problem of the family health history void – that form filled out at birth is pretty much useless within a couple of years, even if by some miracle it is comprehensive on both families – it assumes no one else in the family will ever get a new diagnosis, no more family members born, no one died of a hereditary disease, or at an early age – over the entire lifetime of the adoptee.  Quick video from Fox News of all places – that just hits the highlights of why it is so important.

 
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Posted by on November 11, 2012 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child, Ethics

 

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Isn’t Life Interesting Part 3

By Shadow

Day 11 and on with Part 3 of “Isn’t Life Interesting” – Part 1 here, Part 2 here. For adoptees, searching, or not searching, is such a personal choice. I think, so many times, even when we have educated ourselves on the possible issues, and think we are prepared for whatever comes; we find out that there was no possible way to prepare for reunion, or finding our first families. For many of us, searching, and reunion catches us completely off guard. No matter how grounded, and ready we think we are, searching, and reunion, can knock us off our feet in ways unimaginable. The grief we feel, even if we don’t know that is what it is, at times, is so completely overwhelming, it can terrify us. As I’ve been writing these posts, and rereading this story I wrote so long ago, I was a bit amazed when it dawned on me, just how well the five stages of grief are portrayed in this one story. The denial, the anger, which you are about to read, the bargaining, the depression, and well, I’ll save the last one for the end, are all here if you look. Now, let’s get on with the story.

As I watched this unfold, I continued to deal with my own issues with my adoption and reunion. It still amazes me as to the naïvety of people on the subject of adoption and reunion. Shouldn’t we all be happy? Adoptive parents should be happy. They now have a child. No one stops to think that they might feel the loss of not having a child of their own. They don’t think about the invasion of privacy the adoptive couple went through to ensure that they were suitable parents. They don’t think about the weeks, months, and years that went by with no phone call from the agency. They don’t think of the disappointment when a birth mother changes her mind. They don’t think about the silly things that are said to adoptive parents and adoptees in reference to adoption. No need to list any, we’ve all heard them. What about adoptive parents when adoptees want to find biological parents? More issues to deal with.

The adoptee should be happy. They have a loving family to provide their needs. They never stop to think that not all adoptees are adopted by “loving” families. Agencies screen parents. How could you be adopted into an abusive home? Trust me. It happens more frequently than you think. Even if that isn’t the case, and an adoptee has a great adopted family, there are still issues to deal with. Read this forum and you will see the many, many issues. Whether adoptees feel the need to search for biological family or not, there is something about being adopted that makes us just a tiny bit different from normal. That’s not a bad thing. It is just a fact.  If you aren’t questioning something about adoption, why are you reading this?

Biological parents should be happy. They made the decision to relinquish out of love for their child. They wanted their child to have things they couldn’t give them. I could go on. It was best for the child. People think a bio parent is supposed to be happy about that? Just go on with their life like it was nothing? It just amazes me to think that people really believe that separating a mother or father and their child is something that they are supposed to “just forget about”. I’ve raised horses and cows. Did you know that horses and cows mourn the loss of their babies at weaning time? They do, and their calves and foals also mourn the loss of their mothers at weaning time. Listening to them cry for each other at weaning time breaks my heart. I can’t stand it! For any human to think another human could “just forget and go on with their life”, well, it really makes me angry.

Then there are reunions. Aren’t we all so happy when we reunite? If that were the case, why do we need this forum? Oh, the issues reunion brings out.”

Shouldn’t we all be happy? What a question, and why aren’t we? What a price to pay so that everyone in the triad can be happy. Knowing that there still so many people who just don’t get it, telling infertile couples to “just adopt”, and telling adoptees, “just be grateful”, and first parents, “just make an adoption plan”, and oh, doesn’t that just solve all of our problems? Even after all these years, it still makes me so angry at the lack of compassion, the denial of society to the reality of adoption. Whew! I think that’s enough for today. I can feel my blood pressure rising now. See you tomorrow with part 4, and the conclusion.

 

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