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What seems so natural to me – makes no sense to others…

28 Oct

So I was reading an old blog post from 2008 about Adoption by someone whose sibling just adopted through LDS Services – the post is irrelevant.  I stumbled on it searching for something else, but I read it, and then I started reading the comments.  One commenter was stating the number of LDS single women who became pregnant in a year vs. the number who chose adoption.  Then he/she listed the main reason they didn’t choose adoption.

The Grandmother of the baby was the main deterrent against adoption

The way it came across was that’s a bad thing – in a how dare they way…

Other commenters couldn’t figure out why the grandmothers would be against their grandchild being placed for adoption…

And yes, the post was from 2008, but I still see that same attitude today – one of the primary reasons why some agencies move expectant mothers to another state away from her support system.

It is not wrong for a grandmother to wish to keep her grandchild in her family.  It really isn’t.  Grandmothers are awesome at helping raise children, and being a support to the parents – the concept is not new – it goes back generation upon generation.

What’s sad is when an adoption agency, church, whoever convinces the mother who has a supportive family that would help successfully raise a child, that the child would be better off placed for adoption.  That’s what sad.

Ps. I am not saying this to make any family member feel bad, or that they did wrong – it is the attitude I see in some who are very pro-adoption of “how dare they stop a child from being placed for adoption…and a deserving family getting to adopt that child“.  To me that speaks of their desires – with little to no thought of the pain adoption brings to the other family.

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14 Comments

Posted by on October 28, 2012 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

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14 responses to “What seems so natural to me – makes no sense to others…

  1. Rebecca Hawkes (@motherdaughterB)

    October 28, 2012 at 9:07 pm

    Agreed!

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  2. kellie3

    October 28, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    Having been in that exact situation myself, I would have to agree. In some ways I see the decision to give away my granddaughter was more mine than it was my daughters. I say that because I did not want to raise another child, and I know I would have had the primary care taking responsibility. I made my daughter aware of that. Not on purpose, but I did nonetheless. Adoption was the wrong decison for us. My granddaughter should have stayed with her mother regardless of who the primary caretaker was. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.
    Your post did not make me feel bad. I already know what I did was wrong.

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    • TAO

      October 29, 2012 at 12:00 am

      Hugs Kellie – I so did not want you to feel bad – yours should have been different because it was kinship with advance discussions on openness. HUGS…you know I feel so bad about what happened to you guys.

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      • Kellie

        October 29, 2012 at 12:25 am

        Thanks, TAO. I feel bad about whats happened every single day, but I’m most concerned about how this is all going to affect our granddaughter. ((HUGS)) back to you.

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        • TAO

          October 29, 2012 at 12:44 pm

          Kellie – heredity (strength or weakness) plays a role in how adoptees deal/manage/carry on with their own situations – you are strong – assume your husband is strong – that may be very beneficial. You guys did the best you could – others will have to answer for their choices.

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  3. zoozig

    October 28, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    yes yes yes. I remember being in the hospital after birth with 16-year-old who was considering adoption sharing my room. She and her boyfriend (same age) had tried to elope but been picked up by the police is another state. Both grandmothers were against the adoption; her boy friend came to visit her, and it was clear that he was stepping up to the plate even though god knows he seemed unprepared. I left the hospital not knowing what happened. I later heard from my social worker that she and he came to the agency to sign the relinquishment papers, and went to take one last look at the baby and say goodbye.

    They took the baby home. I have long forgotten her name, and always wondered how the son turned out, or if the couple stayed together, but it was clear that no matter what happened, the young mother had good support system.

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    • TAO

      October 29, 2012 at 12:36 pm

      And that is the key is the support system AND a willingness to step up / grow up / do what it takes – but you need both.

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  4. everyoneactdead

    October 29, 2012 at 1:08 am

    on the flip side of this, the grandparents shouldn’t pressure their daughter to give up her baby.

    my ex-boyfriend’s mother was against our adoption plan. if she had encouraged me to parent, i would have taken that quite differently. but instead she said “i’ll raise the baby!” which i thought was sick and delusional. she seriously believed she was offering us a a good option, but she’s a bipolar alcoholic who doesn’t get out of bed. it makes me kind of angry that the one person who encouraged me to keep my baby was a psycho like her!

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    • TAO

      October 29, 2012 at 12:37 pm

      That isn’t support to help raise / be there – that is so very different. Sorry you dealt with that.

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  5. Valentine Logar

    October 29, 2012 at 11:26 am

    Every situation is so different isn’t it. This culture condemns young women who are pregnant, forcing them to make terrible choices everyday and convincing them they are incapable of parenting. I remember speaking to a group of teenage girls last year in Juvenile Detention, there were 15 of them between the ages of 13 and 17. Five of the were visibly pregnant. I was speaking with a program called Victims Impact, it is a different program and works across both adult and juvenile systems; not about parenting or pregnancy. There is another program in the juvenile system though these girls attend, especially if they don’t have a parent willing to take their child when it is born. To me it is a terrible program, it is called a Parenting Program but it is mostly to scare the bejesus out of them, scare them into giving up their children.

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    • TAO

      October 29, 2012 at 12:41 pm

      Agree – every situation is very different – what really appalled me is that within a religious group that doesn’t already have shaky families (like the teens you describe) – and in fact seems to be a very close knit community – that they thought it was bizarre to want to keep family together.

      As to the parenting programs – agree – even the ones at CPC’s etc are designed the same way.

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  6. Dannie

    October 29, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    I had the fear of my mother when I was young, so I knew I wouldn’t come home pregnant as a teen to my house, however, if I did, I knew that I would have my parents help to start off parenting and they would help out as long as I was making steps to better myself, or else they would have a serious conversation about guardianship for the child.
    When I adopted through foster care, my mom told me that this child is mine forever, and that even if there were teen issues like drugs, or pregnancy, I needed to be a parent still and not forsake my child. It’s my hope that even if choices are made that I’m not in agreement of, the home will be a safe place to go from there. I know even though I am an AP, I would not be an advocate for my child looking at adoption plans if I’m able to provide and help with resources. I’ve already been called a hypocrite for having that thought process.

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    • TAO

      October 29, 2012 at 7:02 pm

      Your last line about being called a hypocrite is what bothers me the most, and the only way I can say it makes sense is if: adoption is only about finding children for people who want to be parents – instead of – finding homes for children who need families.

      I do believe that is the reason why people in adoption split into fractions/divisions – with of course some cross over on common grounds. It is what the reason/purpose of why adoption exists to them. I see this division in AP’s who speak out about corruption in non-Hague adoptions like the DRC or Ethiopia and they are slammed because they have their children home, and are hypocrites for wanting others to not fall victim to what they experienced and the heartache that creates when an adoption isn’t done right.

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  7. shannon2818

    October 30, 2012 at 2:35 am

    That’s crazy. You would think that having a supportive family would be a good thing.

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