By Shadow the adoptee
As I continue reading my post on a forum as a way to re-acquaint myself with my reunion journey of 8 years with D, and over 25 years of reunion with E, I am still amazed at how far I have come. It is a bit like watching a movie. I know I am the star of the show, yet, as I watch with my mind’s eye, there is some sort of disconnection between who I was then, and who I am now. It is me, but it is not me.
I remember those feelings, the anger, the grief, the confusion, the fear, and the joy of finding the missing pieces of my life. As I read, I can feel the beginning of that sick feeling in my stomach. I can feel, once again, the knot-of-grief in my chest, as I empathize with this person I am reading about. Once again, I haven’t gotten far, only six months into my story, and I have to stop.
I stop reading, because I will not go back. I stop reading, because I do not want to go back. I stop reading, because I do not want to remember. I stop reading, and I think about how the pain, and the emotions, had become so overwhelming for, not only me, e, and D, but everyone connected to us. I think about how the fairytale of what I had once believed adoption to be, and mean, was slowly being ripped apart. I think about how the reality of it all made adoption nothing more than a mountain of lies. I think about the lies and all the unnecessary pain they caused not just me, but everyone connected to me, and I have to fight back the anger that once again begins to build.
Finally, I think about who I am now. . I think to myself, “Look at you now.“ I take a deep breath, and I smile. I’ve come a very long way. Yes, look at me now, happy, and at peace with myself. Today, I read a post on Lost Daughters, called “Paradox by Lynn Grubb”. It spoke to me, and seemed to be the perfect definition of my own adoption journey. I hope you will read it.