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Wish this phrase would just go away…

20 Aug

That the baby is “such a gift” a “birthmom” gives to the “adoptive couple”…

Brings back memories of Georgia Tann’s newspaper adoption advertisements (showing cute babies) telling the husband to get your wife a baby for Christmas…

Or a bunny for an Easter present…

Or a puppy dog or kitty for a Birthday or Christmas present…

Babies – should not be considered gifts to give away…why not change the message to becoming parents is a dream come true…see – no icky feeling

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13 Comments

Posted by on August 20, 2012 in Adoption, adoptive parents

 

Tags: , , ,

13 responses to “Wish this phrase would just go away…

  1. Heather

    August 20, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    I totally agree!

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    • TAO

      August 20, 2012 at 11:49 pm

      Hi Heather – thanks…kind of figured people would be upset and not agree.

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  2. Valentine Logar

    August 20, 2012 at 11:34 pm

    Well I call my biological parents my “first” parents. I met them in my early twenties. They were not in agreement regarding my adoption. My first mothers ‘gift’ of me to my second parents had repercussions for all of us for many years to come.

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    • TAO

      August 20, 2012 at 11:48 pm

      Hi Valentine – Welcome – I used “birthmom” in quotes because I don’t use any qualifer for either set. Your comments will post automatically now.

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  3. Dannie

    August 21, 2012 at 2:57 am

    Since I don’t agree that pets/animals should be gifts either (too many ‘gifts’ get sent back to the shelter when they are no longer cute) I never liked that phrase. Ever. But that’s just my take.

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    • Dannie

      August 21, 2012 at 2:58 am

      For babies, not pets….not sure if that came across well in my comment

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      • TAO

        August 21, 2012 at 12:07 pm

        I don’t disagree on the pet side – especially bunnies seem to be a huge issue – just trying to explain my dislike. I got what you meant.

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  4. Fran Whelan

    August 21, 2012 at 2:02 pm

    Why winds me up is the term ‘adoption’ being used for both humans and animals – does it mean we are adopted to ‘save’ us?

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    • TAO

      August 23, 2012 at 1:17 pm

      Hi Fran – I think for some mindsets (and some literally) it is to save us…pretty complicated. I have been thinking about your comment because I am having a hard time putting words to what I am thinking. Still not there – so rough answer that I am sure people will misinterpret…

      Adoption is far too broad of a word – laws are adopted – animals are adopted – humans are adopted. I think in the future the word adoption as it pertains to humans should/may change to a new hybrid of guardianship – a “permanent” guardianship that by definition is also giving the child new legal parents (the same as adoption) that includes a termination of the original parents “guardianship rights”. When you give birth you are granted guardianship (parental) rights over that baby – so why could that not be the term instead of adoption? Parental rights are guardianship rights.

      Still don’t have my thoughts clear.

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  5. Julianna

    August 23, 2012 at 4:30 am

    I guess it’s easier to tell them they’re giving another family a gift and make them feel all gooey inside. It’s probably a little more sensitive than “Way to give up on your own kid.”
    I’m neither pro or anti adoption. I get that there are necessary situations where the biological parents are complete tools or are uniquely unqualified to provide appropriate care for the child (such as when they’re victims of statutory rape). I also get that to many people involved in the whole process, they are, in fact not looking out for the primary interests of the child itself, no matter how many times they tell themselves they are. I feel that it is the absolute right of that child to have all the information they want about where they came from if they want it, and to be left alone if they don’t. Would it be more appropriate to say “Give your child the gift of a better life?” After all, presumably, that’s who we’re supposed to be looking out for, and that IS an appropriate gift. I have an adopted niece and nephew. Their parents loved them very much, but were in and out of rehab all the time and when they were “in” the kids were “in” foster care. Eventually they decided (together, not from mom making the decision for both of them. GRRR) that the kids would do better and be happier if they could have the same set of parents raising them all the time who weren’t fighting addictions. They’re great kids. We adore them. You’re right though–still not a gift. It’s not like they’re cars or something. Gifts get rejected and given back. Hopefully, children enrich the lives of their parents, both adopted and biological.

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    • TAO

      August 23, 2012 at 1:32 pm

      Hi Julianna,

      The better life is the intent but with the many different types of adoption that isn’t always the reality – a different life is the best I have heard. In your situation yes – they gained a better life because it would include stablity which obviously would have been not possible, and still being in their original kinship adds to that as well, plus I would guess several other better reasons. In domestic there can be those same reasons OR there can be nothing more than same. I was raised in a more financially well-off family that could provide more – but my original family had the same goodness in them (struggling for a word) – reason – unwed mother at the time. So I gained a two-parent home that was better off – but there were losses on the flip side – so to me a wash – a different life (not that I could imagine not having the same family I have just looking at the logistics). Some children adopted also get a worse situation – whether it was to save a rocky marriage and they never live up to the ghost child of what could have been – secret drunk who is abusive – or spouse who caved to the other regarding adoption – to those who just should never ever be allowed to adopt but for reasons unknown slid through. Sadly the last seems to be on the rise – but with the lack of tracking statisitics of adoption (because we need to be secret) it is hard to quantify. Not to mention the number of adoptions that FAIL. Different seems to cover all and you hope it is better.

      Your comments will post automatically now.

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  6. Kelly Raudenbush

    August 23, 2012 at 12:02 pm

    Really good point.

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    • TAO

      August 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm

      Hi Kelly – thanks for that – sometimes I just need to vent 🙂 because it gets to me. Your comments should post automatically now. Interested if you come back what you think of my comment to Fran above (take into consideration I am struggling for words this morning (I have expressive aphasia that is worse when I am tired)) so try to read it for intent.

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