How you treat adult adoptees on-line today may be how your child is treated tomorrow…

24 Jul

Have you ever considered that?  That thought runs through my mind each and every time I see an adult adoptee called names and treated badly on any forum, facebook page, or blog.  Even those adult adoptees who are using all the required disclaimers and couching all statements with a “I feel” or “some” or “may or may not feel” or “it could make them”…

I started this post after reading a very disappointing exchange on a forum.  I first wrote here “Deep breath required because I am angry right now…counting to ten and beyond”.  For once, I followed my advice and waited a few days, and yet I still wish to offer some thoughts, or perhaps understanding, on how normal it is to want to make things better. 

The topic that got me angry: “it isn’t because you are adopted”

Followed by that being adopted and adoption does not cause any issues or challenges.  That people need to stop blaming their problems on adoption and hurting “adoption” and then followed with – that the adoptees speaking had “botched” adoptions.

For those who still believe their parenting and love will ensure a seamless fit into your family, and their child will not grieve the loss of their first family, or have any issues, challenges, or feelings at all on their adoption thoughout their life – have you ever considered how your child will feel when they find out you should have known and been aware to help them?  That not only was research and knowledge available, that adult adoptees were willingly on those forums to help you understand?  To find just the right words to make the penny drop?

Anyway, how can we ever hope to understand each other when any concerns that are raised by the adoptee who lived the experience, are summarily dismissed, mocked, and are told they are adults and can fix the issues in their life, and are hurting adoption by speaking about it.  For shame – how dare you speak about any negative in adoption – adoption is always good and always a positive.

I was your typical adopted person that everyone points to as not having problems.  Many, most likely forgot I was adopted – even those who have known me my entire life.  Heck – a childhood friend and a cousin adopted their children, because, I showed them that adoption wasn’t scary.  The problem is, they never asked me if I had challenges, or concerns about adoption, because they saw me as a typical child, and later, a typical adult – just like they were.  Just like everyone else – who may also at the same time, have challenges and issues brought on from something – be it infertility, divorce, victim of a crime, miscarriages, domestic abuse, infant death, abuse as a child, bullying – honestly the list is endless and some people will have multiple impacts – but I would state that the pain someone feels, or the ongoing challenges, and wishing to see change can be directly linked to the cause in each of those challenges.

Sometimes, any of those challenges, issues, and pain can be lifelong, and you still wish to talk about it, push for better understanding – change it for the next generation.  I see this in the counterpoint often discussed with adoption – infertility – the need for research, and solutions, and the ongoing pain felt, mom has even talked about it resurfacing now, at her point in life.  Do I tell her that her feelings have nothing to do with infertility?  Pretty sure it does, she is sad as she would have liked to have had a child with their genes.  Do I take offense?  Not one bit – because it takes nothing away from me, or my role in the family, rather, it provides me with empathy for her, and those currently going through it.  Would I tell mom as an adult she has the ability to fix this issue she has?  Of course not!  Do I tell her that people going through infertility today don’t face these struggles or pain, because they have new, and improved infertility treatments, so it isn’t like it was when she first went through it?  Absolutely not – I am sure that pain is still very much there, and like her, will always be there and come in waves, and perhaps the frustration level they have is more now, because of all the treatments available and hope given by the treatments.

But yet, there are still some that feel that when an adoptee speaks about adoption challenges, and what needs to change, and wants people to understand and do better for the next generation – those challenges cannot be because of being adopted

Stop and ask yourself of all the different things people are challenged by, you are challenged by – should they (and you) just wipe the slate clean – never speak of it again – allow it to continue as is – without speaking about it to make it better for the future?  This lack of willingness, by some, to accept adoption does impact the adoptee in some way, shape, form, or time, in the adoptees life – regardless of the type of adoption, or when it took place, or whether they ever speak about it to you.

Striving to make it better for the next generation is really not something to bitch about, mock, and put the adoptee down.


Posted by on July 24, 2012 in Adoption, adoptive parents


Tags: , , , , ,

40 responses to “How you treat adult adoptees on-line today may be how your child is treated tomorrow…

  1. momsomniac

    July 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    *sending a hug* (unless you prefer not to be hugged;)

    “those who still believe their parenting and love will ensure a seamless fit into your family, and their child will not grieve the loss of their first family, or have any issues, challenges, or feelings at all on their adoption thoughout their life”

    THAT is incredibly arrogant thinking…to think that one is such a GREAT parent that seperation from the first bond (and often more bonds after that) doesn’t have the potential to have a life-long impact on the adoptee is absurd! To thinking bonding doesn’t begin in utero (as we now know language development does) is equally absurd.

    As an adoptive parent, married to an adoptee….who was raised by an adoptee….who was raised by an adoptee…who has an aunt and some uncles who were also adopted…I am shocked that anyone could think this (yes, there are $$$ on that side of the family, but that is a whole ‘nother set of issues, and I don’t want to derail)

    I am so sorry you have to deal with this.


    • momsomniac

      July 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

      “to think” I mean…


    • TAO

      July 24, 2012 at 7:25 pm

      For the record – in this case I was not part of the scrum – just an observer.

      Liked by 1 person

      • momsomniac

        July 24, 2012 at 7:32 pm

        even so – it has to hurt

        I like “hope that works out for ya”

        how people end up so foolish, arrogant, and lacking in empathy boggles…


      • lopk

        May 29, 2013 at 5:03 pm

        I think to many people bully and abuse adoptees that have problems with adoption and that’s wrong and the non adopted people are mean to adopted people this needs to stop my adopted mom abused me and nobody cared I also don’t understand how people don’t think its important for people to know there history adopted people should have the right to know who brought them here who gave birth to them non adopted people don’t think this is important because they already know who gave birth to them I think its selfish for people who already know who gave birth to them say its not important it is important to know who gave brith to you and to know them and what they are like if you don’t have answers to questions you have the unknown and that’s scary I think non adopted people shouldn’t have answers to there questions and deal with the unknown


  2. shadowtheadoptee

    July 24, 2012 at 7:11 pm

    I hear ya girl. Try to help people understand, and what do you get? Some people just can’t be helped. Honestly, I don’t think some will ever get it.And, you were right about me, a while back, this is why I’ve crawled back in my adoptee hole. If I ever told the rest of my story, can you imagine the judgements against all my famiies, not to mention the dismissal of the role adoption played iin my thoughts and feelings? People only hear what they want to hear. Well, my answer to those parents you spoke about, who think love willcure all: “Hope that works out for ya.”


    • TAO

      July 24, 2012 at 7:27 pm

      I am glad to see you back commenting and lurking anyway. The second part of “Hope that works out for ya” is that I am sure there will be adult adoptees on-line to listen to and help the newbie through some of the harder feelings he or she has. It’s amazing the kinship that happens when adoptees find each other…they are safe…


      • shadowtheadopteetheadoptee

        July 24, 2012 at 7:42 pm

        True. It’s nice to know that you aren’t alone, crazy, or, my favorite accusation, just being overly sensitive.


        • TAO

          July 24, 2012 at 7:44 pm

          Overly sensitive? I know one individual who ensures that comment is directed at me every time I see her.

          So many things in common…


  3. Dannie

    July 24, 2012 at 10:15 pm

    Sad! 😦 I was kinda depressed this week because a very “understanding and non-racist” family member (not immediate family member thank GOD!) made a statement that hurt my feelings because it pertained to my daughter and not wanting to embrace all aspects of her (having to do with braids/hair) because you know “it’s not like she’s full AA”, and then I was thinking that after preschool and young elementary years she won’t be “cute” anymore and may have to endure stupid comments from all angles???? It’s not right. My child will be her own person, and I hope she gets treated with respect because she is a smart and competent individual bringing many things and issues to the table.

    No one should ever be talked down or diminished because of someone else’s ideas.


    • TAO

      July 24, 2012 at 11:05 pm

      Dannie (hugs)… no it isn’t right at all and I am sorry you had to deal with that. What is wrong with people today. If you were only half Cuban would that mean you shouldn’t celebrate that side of you because you are only half? Sad…

      I know I come off bluntly but in the end I just want us all to get along and listen to each other – that’s where growth comes from…not rigid ideology.


  4. eagoodlife

    July 24, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    Couldn’t agree more TAO! Love will cure all? John Lennon thought so and look where it got him.Adopters believing there will be harm to adoption when adoptees speak out is very, very sick.The racism in adoption is appalling and as always it is adoptees who suffer and continue to suffer. Keep them coming!


    • TAO

      July 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

      Thanks Von – it amazes me – we can speak out about any other issue and that’s all good – speak out against bad practices in adoption and we are othered.


  5. cb

    July 25, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    I’m right in the middle of the scrum – so far, we adoptees on this thread have been called
    Emotional scammers; communists and sociopaths (that’s for those of us that don’t like prebirth matching); communist conspiracy theorists and crazy older adoptees who carry agendas with them; trolls; angry and bitter, negative – elsewhere we have been called malcontents and jerks (though I think the word “jerk” on that other thread was a thinly veiled attack on a veteran social worker with adoptees of many years standing who often posts on the forum). It seems to have been missed that at 3 APs feel the OP was a bit over the top.

    (btw my member name on there starts with K and, at present, I am the most frequent adoptee poster on that thread)


    • TAO

      July 25, 2012 at 1:48 pm

      CB – I continue to be amazed…whether or not my post ever is “heard” by anyone who needs it – I needed to say what was happening is wrong.


      • momsomniac

        July 25, 2012 at 6:02 pm

        TAO – Please, don’t think what you and shadow do cannot open minds. Life experiences led me to a place where empathy is heightened, BUT it was a blog about racism that pulled me over a line I didn’t even know I had. I “get” a lot more now that I did before. Somebody will be changed.


        • TAO

          July 25, 2012 at 6:10 pm

          Thanks mom…


    • Andre'

      June 18, 2014 at 9:38 pm

      Pre birth matching. That’s how I lost my kid to adoption. Excluded father, mother telling me some 27 yeas later, oh I saw you, but did not say anything I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. My daughter telling me her mother did not know how nice I was. Christians how do they manage to go along with supporting the seperation of mother and child Arbitrarily? Does a third party white wash their sins? Make them feel like saviors not separators? Sorry no feel nice….so sad …so long…. My kids are like strangers to each other…..I’m caught in the middle…. Love both my kids… always known me as Dad, the other only as a concept, with loyalties to the ones that seperatted us.


  6. shadowtheadopteetheadoptee

    July 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    My favorite things about forums:

    People, who ask for adoptee’s opinions, and then get upset when they get them,

    People, who want validation for something that is so obviously wrong, and then get mad when they don’t get it,

    I mean come on people; if you don’t want to know, don’t ask. If you already know your right, and everyone else, who doesn’t agree with you is wrong, why are you posting?


    • TAO

      July 25, 2012 at 4:28 pm

      So they can prove they are open while requiring validation at the same time…you know – having it both ways – one of the wonders of adoption – reality bending with all those terms like “as if”…


  7. Mei-Ling

    July 25, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    And the Internet firestorm strikes again.

    I know which thread you’re referring to; I’m reading the comments as I type this. Specifically, the comments where people are saying “Don’t blame everything on adoption when you choose to bring your childhood issues with you into adultery.”

    Reminds me of the white Caucasian guys online who tell me “It’s your responsibility to not be offended by racial issues.”

    It’s easy for someone else to say “Don’t be so offended” and “You have the power to decide how you feel” when they haven’t been shot down or dismissed by others.


    • TAO

      July 25, 2012 at 4:27 pm

      You should have read the comments that were deleted by the moderator…

      I cringe every time I hear a white person say you should not be offended by racism. That is offensive.

      Glad to see you posting again – any chance you will reactive any of your older blogs on an ongoing basis? You made people think with your gift of explaining.


      • Mei-Ling

        July 25, 2012 at 4:34 pm

        Yeah, I saw those “this comment has been deleted” statements… wonder what that was about? Then again, judging by the comments that *were* left, maybe I don’t want to know. It might make my brain go explody.

        Re: racism, been dealing it a little less these days, mainly because the offender knows that I won’t talk to him if he hints so much at a stereotype/joke, but man, when that topic was going strong, I was all RAGERAGERAGE.

        Reactivate my old blogs? Naaaah. Maybe I should start up a racism/sexism blog. That’d… be interesting, considering how much I’ve been spending time on my miscellanious blog writing about racism/sexism lately.

        Seriously though, thanks for the compliment. Nice to see you guys are still alive and kicking. 😉


  8. nnkato

    July 31, 2012 at 4:58 pm

    so I’ve got to ask-whats the forum you’re referring to?! I really liked your post-your honesty, and feelings resonated with me. thank you.


  9. lopk

    May 29, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    I think non adopted people should have to live like adoptees and not know who gave birth to them and del with abuses in adoption so I can laugh I think non adopted people are the most selfish people and don’t have any empathy on how a adopted person feels I cant stand them I notice anytime a non adopted person has some problem everybody is suppose to have empathy for them but then they don’t try to have any empathy for what an adopted person goes through


  10. lopk

    June 8, 2013 at 8:49 pm

    non adopted people love to abuse the non adopted person and they don’t even c are that they do that and hurt the adopted persons feelings making them feel very rejceted to the point the adoptee wants to cry and then they laugh at the adoptee and everybody gangs up on the adoptee and the adoptee has nobody on there side supporting them that’s what it like to be an adoptee and when your an adoptee you cant date because the non adopted are always so picky and rude so dating for an adoptee is impossible so your rejcted and all alone with nobody who cares about the adoptee its very sad and its imposilbe to have friends when your adopted because the non adopted person love to abuse the adoptee so the adoptee is all alone with nobody and you have no family even though the non adopted people think you do because your adopted and this is in real life not just on a computer and the adoptee is in a very dangerous abusive situation with nobody on the adoptee side its awful to be an adoptee and nobody knows that but the adoptee you are in a world all by your self depending only on your self no help from nobody and its awful and then when the adoptee is dealing with all this abuse from everybody they expect the adoptee to be successful and abuse the adoptee for not being successful


  11. lopk

    June 8, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    I meant to say the non adopted person love to abuse the adoptee


  12. lopk

    June 8, 2013 at 8:58 pm

    and the non adopted people love to rub in the adoptee face how many friends they have and love relationships they can get when an adoptee cant get relationships or friends I hate non adopted people they are very selfish people to the adoptee I have been dealing with this bs my whole life and being an adoptee and i am so nice to everybody and the non adopted people don’t think they should have to be nice back


  13. lopk

    June 8, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    non adopted people love to make an adoptee feel like they don’t deserved to have friends or love realtionships or cared about the non adopted treat us like we should be all alone with nobody except when they want to abuse the adoptee from time to time the non adopted people stink and are gross and the non adopted are so mean to the adoptee and expect the adoptee to bow down to them like kings and queens


  14. lopk

    June 8, 2013 at 9:12 pm

    I hate non adopted people I hate how they have treated me the adoptee I was nothing but nice to those a holes and all the non adopted people ever did was abuse me and reject me and they don’t even care an rub in my face how great they all are


  15. lopk

    June 9, 2013 at 2:57 am

    non adopted people will always be treated better and have better lives than the adopted people


  16. lopk

    June 9, 2013 at 3:01 am

    I cant stand how me the adoptee I am nice to people and all people do is be mean to me I don’t understand that ,you would think being nice would get some respect instead its looked down on


  17. Andre'

    June 18, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    As a dad, the kind that got to raise his kid, single, with primary care, of the yonger sibling, not lost to adoption, I grieved my older daughter just two weeks less 9 months the younger. Now in union, almost 2 years, I have held back so much, one day I slipped, letting out I am so mad you don’t know your family, I was not blaming her, she was excited to know about a cousin that I felt she would like to meet, well she excused her self not feeling suddenly well, only to text back twenty minutes later that I had a right to my feelings. I have yet to let on how I feel about adoption, how much I loath it, the third party involvement, the professional child snatchers, lords of secrets, matching for money, to those parents wanting to separate a child from their original mother, making them abandon, so a welfare worker can get an financial insentive for placing in foster care, and another check for placing in adoption. Four years later finding out how I lost my child, to a closed adoption, my lost daughter born 1985, to an infertile couple. I have no desire or empathy to be placed in this role to benefit that couple or the social workers. Mommy bloggers and their love for their stolen children. I cried for that child, her mother, myself, as I tried to sleep after laying to sleep the younger sibling, those many years.


  18. Anonymous

    January 14, 2015 at 3:29 am

    Thank goodness we’re scaring the crap out of the adoptive parent community. I’ve always kept my adoption history discreet in the wider world (my husband, kids, and close friends know). I figured that my experience as an adoptee would terrify prospective bio moms from relinquishing their babies and prospective adoptive parents from adopting. But as the years pass, I can’t ignore the commoditization of babies, and the sickening, unearned admiration foisted on adoptive parents—as if they deigned to take in a mutt from the pound.

    It’s long past due for would-be adopters to really engage in both a deeper reflection of their motives and abilities, as well as the impact they cause by creating a market for relinquished children. I’m not saying adoption is inherently bad, but it should NOT be pursued for the fulfillment of one’s personal desires. Rather, it should be a yielding to a calling, entered into with both certainty and humility.


  19. ellecuardaigh

    January 10, 2016 at 4:07 pm

    Reblogged this on elle cuardaigh and commented:


  20. legitimatebastard

    January 10, 2016 at 6:06 pm

    Reblogged this on FORBIDDEN FAMILY and commented:
    When I read this, I thought that this was written today, but no. The original post was made in 2012. This is still happening today. Adoptee voices are silenced, ridiculed, mocked. Adopted people are still labeled as “having a bad experience.” Adoptive “parents” and any non-adopted person, and any person who has not surrendered a child to adoption, really has no clue how adoption has ruined so many lives.


  21. Lucy Sheen aka 4gottenadoptee

    January 10, 2016 at 7:23 pm

  22. Lucy Sheen aka 4gottenadoptee

    January 10, 2016 at 7:24 pm

    Reblogged – excellent piece thanks for writing



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