Tough subjects have to be talked about…

04 Mar

When my mother returned home after surrendering me she was different, according to one family member who didn’t know the truth of why she went away.  When she found out about me so many decades later, she had her answer as to why my mother was different when she came home. 

Long before I met my family and just after my son died, the realization of the loss my mother had to deal with because of having to surrender me hit me very hard.  That realization changed me forever.  Her loss was different from my loss – her loss was worse, much worse.  I had closure – she had a lifetime of not knowing what happened to me, her first-born.  From all that has been told me, it changed her and what I can tell from stories I have been told about who she became after – they are the same type of feelings and reactions I had after my son died.  Feelings and reactions that for me lessened with time because my son wasn’t out there, somewhere, possibly okay, possibly not, possibly hurting, possibly dead…the unknown would have done me in, piece by piece, day after day, a wound that would never have healed to where I am now, at peace.

Adoption should always be the very last resort, or in cases of safety for the child.  Never to be entered into lightly, and least of all, not mere hours after birth when you have family and resources available to parent your child.  Instead, to pick a new family makes little to no sense when they really are just strangers, who even though you met and got to know a little, have only shown you the side they want you to see.  Personally, I cannot imagine growing up knowing my mother willing let me go when there were real alternatives – it was hard enough knowing she had little to no say in the choice. 

There are some domestic infant adoptions practices today, that disturb me in many different ways.  Ways I think are just as damaging as how adoption was practiced in my mother’s day.  Perhaps even worse in some ways when mothers realize years later that they didn’t really make the choice, they were “guided” to that choice, and really didn’t stand a chance.  I think that last part would be even more damaging to know they willingly allowed others to “guide” them to surrender their baby, their child. 

A few days ago I read a post by Cassi on Adoption Truth.  She is a gifted writer and generally writes about subjects, not people.  Her blog was one of the first ones I found and have faithfully read since.  The subject on this post (link below) was on how mothers speaking on how wonderful surrendering a child for adoption is, can be dangerous – perhaps as in unintended consequences kind of danger.  (you all know I refuse to use adoption speak so this is my terminology on my blog post).  I wanted to comment but with Blogger issues with WordPress id’s, I didn’t at the time, plus I also wanted to think about the post more because it answered that feeling of uneasiness I have had for a while, but couldn’t explain.  I try to read both sides and the middle ground in all subjects, so I can form my own opinion based on facts and my own life experience and knowledge.  I believe in dialogue with all, as a way to make things better.  Not everyone is open to hearing the good and the bad, especially when they only want the good side.  But what happens and what is the danger, when only one side of a very complicated issue is used to promote something as vitally important as adoption, it needs to be, and must be talked about.  I went back there today and saw some deeply hateful comments to her post.  She did not deserve that – no one deserves that.  I don’t like hatred, I don’t have a stomach for it and unlike other bloggers, if it is out-and-out hatred – I won’t publish it.  I am all for conversation but never hatred.

Adoption Truth: Danger Ahead


Posted by on March 4, 2012 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child, Ethics


Tags: , , , , , , ,

4 responses to “Tough subjects have to be talked about…

  1. eagoodlife

    March 4, 2012 at 8:23 pm

    I haven’t read the comments although I always read Cassi’s blog posts. There is no excuse for hateful remarks, where is the compassion, the understanding and the sympathy for someone who has already been to hell and back? Why is it that those who judge so harshly are often those who believe they themselves will one day be judged?
    Thank you for your thoughts on closure and painful loss. I’m so sorry and I take your point which is so well made.


  2. The adopted ones

    March 4, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    Thanks Von. I am reading the Australian Senate Inquiry right now and had to take a break from it.


  3. cb

    March 4, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    I read those comments on Cassi’s blogs and they are appalling, one in particular where they brought her son into it. I think they do it out of fear, because they know Cassi’s speaking the truth.

    In regards to commenting, have you tried using name/URL? I can’t use the other two so I always use that and I never put anything in URL, just initials in name. I’ve never had problems there.

    (((hugs))) re your son.

    I will never really know how much my relinquishment changed my mother, though the family and her friends do say that she always seemed sad and that now they know why. She did have a lot to be sad about apart from myself with the loss of other babies and it must have been hard for her to have never had another living child and in the end, unfortunately she ran out of time.


  4. charlotte

    March 6, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    I, myself, so relate to adopted jane, I am a adult adoptee, when i read what adoptee jane writes : I feel like I wrote that !!!!



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