Never Ending Emotions

06 Feb

From Shadow: If you have read my posts, or followed as I’ve told my story of reunion, you know that I have talked mainly about the emotions I felt as I traveled my reunion journey. The road to reunion began with a diagnosis of a hereditary eye disease called Retinitis Pigmentosa. I stopped with the last letter I had written to E, my birthmother, “A Cry from the Heart”.

That letter was published in a book titled, “Adoption: Charms and Rituals for Healing”, written by Randolph Severson. He had asked to include my letter in his book, and I, obviously agreed, not sure why he felt it was worthy. At the time, to me, it was nothing more than my spilling out my frustration with the “need to know” answers to my questions, and E’s delays in responding to me. The title, Dr. Severson gave my letter had always confused me: a cry from my heart?

I hadn’t looked at the letter since the day I received my copy of the book, found my letter in it, and saw the title for the first time. At approximately 24 years of age, I read the title, reread my letter, closed the book, and to this day, I have never read any of the book. Now that I have lost my sight, and cannot read the book for myself, I wish I had. I hear it is a book worth reading. As the saying goes, hindsight, no pun intended.

I suppose, and hope, that with age comes wisdom. Here I sit, almost 25 years after writing that letter, and talking about all the emotions I felt back then. I get it now. Dr. Severson was right. That letter was truly a cry from my heart. As I’ve reread E’s letters to me, knowing what I know now, I can see the cry from her heart as well.

My reunion journey has not been easy; not for anyone. Talking about the emotions involved in reunion has not been easy, either. It would be easier to just shut them down, put the past in the past, and stop talking about it. However, this isn’t a made-for-T.V. movie, where all is resolved at the end. The story didn’t, does not, end after the first contact. The story, the emotions, and all that entails, have continued for almost 25 years now. It’s that continuation that no one seems to like to talk about. Like adoption, reunion is not a one-time event where we have contact, or not, and that is it. The emotions, the grief, the struggle with our feelings, do not just go away when our original simple curiosity about our biology is satisfied with answers to our questions; if our questions, even get answered. Like the impact of adoption, we have to live with the impact of reunion for the rest of our lives.

Due to some recent issues with E, and the emotional drain it has taken on me, I hope anyone following my story, will forgive me for taking a break from continuing my story of reunion with E, at least until I can find the words to keep going. I’m not a big believer in fate, but sometimes I have to wonder. The events that followed my writing of that letter, well, who am I to say it wasn’t fate? What happened to that letter changed everything, so stay tuned. For now, I hope you won’t mind if I skip ahead in my story, approximately 16 years later to my reunion with D, my birth father.

Even under the best of circumstances, reunion is an extremely emotional event, but, then again, with adoption, what exactly would be considered “the best of circumstances”?

If you thought emotions ran high in my reunion with E, wait until you read about my initiated reunion with D. You aint seen nothing yet. lol

Posting the link from Aug 26, 2010 Part 1: The Call the next post from me will continue that story. Edit – link fixed…

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Posted by on February 6, 2012 in Adoption, Uncategorized


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