I was talking the other day with someone completely outside of the adoption world. Someone who I have been close to for decades. Someone who lost her husband years ago, and now finds herself aware of the fact that she sees a difference between her husbands genetic and non-genetic kin. Where time spent with the genetic kin makes her feel the connection to her husband, that non-genetic kin from the family doesn’t. While at the same time they are all still her family.
She was, I think, shocked and bewildered at the realization that makes her value the genetic tie over non-genetic tie to fulfill that specific need. Yet that the need did not devalue the relationships she has with her husbands non-genetic kin, but for that specific emotional connection, she needed the genetic tie to him.
I think she saw things in a totally different light than she has before on a whole host of issues, because has she now experienced it for herself, in wanting that connection. A connection that is separate from the relationships she has with her family, because they are all her family, yet some fulfill a different need deep inside.
Something that perhaps at our most basic core some may wish to deny, that genetic connections are something we instinctively seek. That is, perhaps, fundamentally, one of the reasons why our species has survived.
PS. and of course every single person is different and will feel things to different degrees…