Sort of, kind of, snarky today…

26 Nov

I was musing this morning on why some prospective parents act the way they do.  They desperately want to adopt a child, yet they don’t like to hear about what that child may feel growing up and into adulthood.  They want to tie a yellow ribbon and consider life will be glowing hearts and kisses their entire lives.  Yet no one lives the enchanted life – that isn’t realistic. 

Instead they either want the on-line adoptee to give them a quick fix way to make sure their child never feels that way, or they want to know what our parents did wrong.  The former is impossible, and the latter is just plain old insulting to our parents who, ahem, are also adoptive parents.  Way to alienate the adoptee.  Tell us we are either messed up, or our parents messed up.  Great way to get our respect and willingness to help, and you know, if you want to learn something from us, you need to respect the individual who actually knows first hand, the feelings.

Platitudes of how a friends child doesn’t feel loss, just doesn’t cut it.  Stories of what your child tells you they feel, doesn’t cut it.  Really, we don’t tell our parents a blow by blow of the pain felt by the loss of our other family.  No one would do that – you might beat around the bush and admit to feelings of curiosity, but you aren’t going to go into detail on indepth private feelings that could hurt the listener.  That is why we blog – so you get a glimpse of the feelings your child may experience but will most likely never share with you.

We are not here to pat you on the back and tell you yes, you are doing the right thing.  

International adoption will never, ever, cure the orphan crisis.  It won’t even make a dent in it.  Until you, the people who spend the tens of thousands of dollars adopting, require that a good chunk of your fees goes into family preservation in country, then the industry will just continue on using the orphan crisis as a way to make more money.  I am not speaking about the adoption industry spending the money directly – I am saying they need to give it to an entity that is not in any way shape or form beholden or affliated with the adoption industry.  One whose board members have no ties to the adoption industry.  One that works towards creating a self-sustaining legacy for stabilazation of communities in need. 

On the domestic adoption front the exact same thing must happen.  If you would never wish to be in the position where you had to give your baby away, then you must also want others never to be in the same position.  Right now the adoption industry is quite happy to settle for status quo – their clients don’t care as long as they get their children, and they will continue to push the gospel of children loosing their families, so other families can have them. 

My words come off snarky at times, or even all the time.  It comes from watching willful ignorance, and ignorant behavior by those who are going to be the parents of the current generation of adoptees.  Of course I am going to snark.  Yet, I also find it highly amusing that a parent blogger can be snarky and cutting, and is wildly applauded for telling it like it is, and writing in exactly the same tone.

My advice – grow up and listen to the message and don’t ask asinine or rhetorical questions.  If you start to feel defensive look inside yourself – usually you can find why you are feeling guilty, and therefore defensive.  I’ll give you a hint – you most likely spent more time researching both the pro’s and con’s of the last car you bought, than you did looking into the entire picture of what the adoption industry is. 

Listen to what others are saying your child may feel. Store the knowledge away so you are aware, and never ever lie to your child.  There are enough lies deeply entrenched in adoption as it is – no need to add to problem. 

Stand up and support your adoptees’ rights to their own original birth certificates – start working on getting the lies out of adoption. 

Demand that those working within the adoption industry, are also working daily, to put themselves out of business.  Shouldn’t that be the starting goal/mission statement of any industry that works on the behalf of children?


Posted by on November 26, 2011 in Adoption, adoptive parents, biological child, Ethics


Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

3 responses to “Sort of, kind of, snarky today…

  1. cb

    November 27, 2011 at 11:10 am

    Nothing wrong with a good snark – excellent post.

    The problem with some aps is that they won’t let their child own their own story, instead they think their child’s story is an extension of theirs. They can also think that anything a child feels or does that isn’t in agreement with their opinion is a negative reflection on themselves. They don’t see that if their child does share negative feelings with them, that can be a sign of trust and, instead of listening, they shut them down and the child can end up thinking that the one person they feel they should be able to trust in is one of the last people they actually can (at least in regards to adoption stuff).


  2. Dannie

    November 28, 2011 at 4:41 am

    If I may play devil’s advocate….(or maybe not, I actually agree with the post) I don’t think that adoptees are the only children that will internalize true feelings both as children and as adults out of respect or not wanting to hurt aparents. I’m not adopted so I can only read or maybe have a glimpse as to what an adoptee might feel but I’m not an adoptee. I hope that I can be mindful and insightful, but as a human I probably will make parenting mistakes, because while one may try….no one is perfect.

    And children always always will protect their parents feelings no matter who one is.

    I’m a survivor of sexual assault. While my parents are aware of this, I do NOT tell them anything about it because I know it pains my folks and I’m not going to bother them with it as I can/did work things out with my therapist and all that awesome stuff. While they can love me and try to help me, they don’t live their lives with that in their background so it’s just an area where we may not be honest with each other about that.

    Some children have a hard time talking about being children of immigrants and their relationships with their parents. It’s difficult and many things will go unsaid due to not wanting to hurt parents feelings and whatnot.

    A parent can’t expect that everything will be roses and sunshine and that everything will be honky dory. What we should do is love unconditionally, accept what our family dynamic is (in adoption that would mean that my daughter has two moms and she couldn’t live with one of them….that is the reality and it will more than likely be a tough pill to process), and realize that although we try to parent in a way that our children trust us and hopefully choose to become productive citizens, our children are not robots and they have thoughts, desires, and individuality that may in fact be quite the opposite of ours/mine. Some parents will find that unacceptable, some may find it hard, but that is the reality…..and I would hope that prospective parents just come to terms with the fact that “one’s family isn’t going to be miraculously be without problems”

    A whole lot of rambling…..sorry about that, I was thinking about how children naturally want to protect parents….I don’t think any child has a monopoly on that.

    I also was musing how sometimes some parents don’t get over the feeling that they will be the perfect ones…’s just not possible. That’s why we all need to keep learning and bettering ourselves….for the sake of our kids.

    anyways hope you all had a fabulous Thanksgiving. We did 🙂


    • The adopted ones

      November 28, 2011 at 1:34 pm

      Hey Dannie – absolutely agree with you that all kids do that – no kid wants to cause their parent pain. The key is to be aware to notice subtle differences in your child’s behavior and be open to bringing up open ended questions. We’ve talked many times about this before so I know I am preaching to the choir but it boggles my mind that others think in adoption that their child will be completely honest.

      If you asked your adoptee specific questions designed for a yes or no answer – the adoptee will most likely give you the answer you want. Even today, I would give mom that answer she wanted to hear because she needs it.

      Had a wonderful family dinner – lost of good conversations catching up on everyones lives. Came home exhausted but it was worth it.



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