I was musing this morning on why some prospective parents act the way they do. They desperately want to adopt a child, yet they don’t like to hear about what that child may feel growing up and into adulthood. They want to tie a yellow ribbon and consider life will be glowing hearts and kisses their entire lives. Yet no one lives the enchanted life – that isn’t realistic.
Instead they either want the on-line adoptee to give them a quick fix way to make sure their child never feels that way, or they want to know what our parents did wrong. The former is impossible, and the latter is just plain old insulting to our parents who, ahem, are also adoptive parents. Way to alienate the adoptee. Tell us we are either messed up, or our parents messed up. Great way to get our respect and willingness to help, and you know, if you want to learn something from us, you need to respect the individual who actually knows first hand, the feelings.
Platitudes of how a friends child doesn’t feel loss, just doesn’t cut it. Stories of what your child tells you they feel, doesn’t cut it. Really, we don’t tell our parents a blow by blow of the pain felt by the loss of our other family. No one would do that – you might beat around the bush and admit to feelings of curiosity, but you aren’t going to go into detail on indepth private feelings that could hurt the listener. That is why we blog – so you get a glimpse of the feelings your child may experience but will most likely never share with you.
We are not here to pat you on the back and tell you yes, you are doing the right thing.
International adoption will never, ever, cure the orphan crisis. It won’t even make a dent in it. Until you, the people who spend the tens of thousands of dollars adopting, require that a good chunk of your fees goes into family preservation in country, then the industry will just continue on using the orphan crisis as a way to make more money. I am not speaking about the adoption industry spending the money directly – I am saying they need to give it to an entity that is not in any way shape or form beholden or affliated with the adoption industry. One whose board members have no ties to the adoption industry. One that works towards creating a self-sustaining legacy for stabilazation of communities in need.
On the domestic adoption front the exact same thing must happen. If you would never wish to be in the position where you had to give your baby away, then you must also want others never to be in the same position. Right now the adoption industry is quite happy to settle for status quo – their clients don’t care as long as they get their children, and they will continue to push the gospel of children loosing their families, so other families can have them.
My words come off snarky at times, or even all the time. It comes from watching willful ignorance, and ignorant behavior by those who are going to be the parents of the current generation of adoptees. Of course I am going to snark. Yet, I also find it highly amusing that a parent blogger can be snarky and cutting, and is wildly applauded for telling it like it is, and writing in exactly the same tone.
My advice – grow up and listen to the message and don’t ask asinine or rhetorical questions. If you start to feel defensive look inside yourself – usually you can find why you are feeling guilty, and therefore defensive. I’ll give you a hint – you most likely spent more time researching both the pro’s and con’s of the last car you bought, than you did looking into the entire picture of what the adoption industry is.
Listen to what others are saying your child may feel. Store the knowledge away so you are aware, and never ever lie to your child. There are enough lies deeply entrenched in adoption as it is – no need to add to problem.
Stand up and support your adoptees’ rights to their own original birth certificates – start working on getting the lies out of adoption.
Demand that those working within the adoption industry, are also working daily, to put themselves out of business. Shouldn’t that be the starting goal/mission statement of any industry that works on the behalf of children?