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I’m Sorry…

30 Oct

Some adoptees have had this said to them when they tell someone they are adopted.  I can’t say I remember anyone saying that to me, but it’s quite possible  someone could have.  Some adoptees don’t like it, but I have been thinking about it, and am not sure if it isn’t being said as a proper response to the reality of what it means if you are adopted. 

My thinking is that when anyone has lost someone, and in the case of adoption your entire family, isn’t it proper to show respect to the individual for their loss by saying I’m sorry?

Thoughts?

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7 Comments

Posted by on October 30, 2011 in Adoption

 

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7 responses to “I’m Sorry…

  1. cb

    October 30, 2011 at 9:17 pm

    Like you, no-one’s ever said it to me.

    I would like to think that the above reason is why they say “I’m sorry”.

    However, I am rather more cynical and tend to think they are often actually saying “I’m sorry you were unwanted” since so many in the non-adopted population seem to think we were mistakes our first mothers wanted to get rid of.

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  2. The adopted ones

    October 30, 2011 at 9:42 pm

    Funny – I completely missed that reason – back to mulling…

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  3. veggiemom

    October 31, 2011 at 12:41 am

    I’ve told Violet that I’m sorry she ever needed to be adopted but that since she did, I’m glad I’m the one who adopted her.

    I do think a lot of people would say that comment meaning “I’m sorry your mom didn’t want you” though.

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    • The adopted ones

      November 2, 2011 at 10:38 pm

      You are one of the best of the best though at delving right in to the hard subjects and not shying away from reality. That is what it takes to be a great parent. And why I am sure your girls will take the world by storm.

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  4. cb

    October 31, 2011 at 1:48 am

    Actually, when I think about it, in the past if people have been talking about family resemblances and/or medical history and I’ve mentioned I’m adopted, then people have commiserated with me and the “I’m sorry” is therefore about the fact that, at the time, I knew nothing about whom I resembled or anything about medical history – they are understanding about the fact that it can be hard not to know any of that stuff.

    So definitely in that case, the “I’m sorry” is definitely commiseration about a specific difficulty about being an adoptee from the closed era.

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    • dpen

      November 2, 2011 at 5:08 pm

      I have been told that and my intial response is defensive. DON”T feel sorry for me..there is nothing to feel sorry about! I don’t want to be pitied and another cause for marginalization. I get spikes growing out of my back! BUT,when i further think about it , I get that what they are trying to convey is yes, i was unwanted and thats sad but sometimes i think most peole intial feelingis one of sadness. That the intial feeling of learning about adoption is sadness….but then the brainwashingand rationalizations take over and the sadness piece is stuffed.

      The most basic honest feeling of adoption for most people is sadness. I think most humans on a gutteral level understand the sadness …not just of an unwanted child, butof ALL the losses associated with it. Loss of family ect. The whole “unnaturalness” of it all. Even if wasconsidered in the best interest of…..whomever.

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      • The adopted ones

        November 2, 2011 at 10:37 pm

        I do get the defensive response but I honestly feel it is just a proper response to the initial loss.

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