It’s never the whole story…

10 May

“The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”  ~  Oscar Wilde

The running commentary by AP’s discussing an adoptee’s blog post can sometimes be frustrating, to say the least.  Some get it and choose to listen and be aware of the potential for their child to feel that way.  Others negate it as nonsense, or that it doesn’t happen now (and not realizing it is because adoptees have been speaking up that the issues are being addressed).  Some choose to pick apart words or focus only on one sentence or part of a sentence, and believe the author or the post is talking about ALL AP’s because the adoptee has not been slammed enough in the past, to remember to use all the right disclaimers in their sentence structures.
Thinking about the why this defensive reaction happens there are some obvious reasons; new to the world of adoption and having a limited understanding of the other sides, love for their child and not wanting their child to feel that way are two that come to mind, but I know there are many other reasons.
But what I want to say in this post…I doubt most ever really tell the hard stuff…it’s too personal, too raw to put on the internet…can you not just trust it is more than what is said, if we feel the need to say there is a problem?  That sometimes it is easier to point out the common to many issues and keep the deeper darker ones private?
Would YOU post an in-depth blow-by-blow of something incredibly painful?  Or would you find the least controversial aspects to highlight?  What if you were physically abused by your husband, would you describe how black and soulless his eyes became, as his fist curled tight as he drew back his arm and smashed you right in the nose, and then rained blows down on the rest of your face, then furthered pummeled you across your chest, arms, back, leaving you battered, swollen to the point your eyes barely open and covered all over in bruises?  Or would you say – my husband hit me…and leave the reader to assume it is more?
Please do not assume adoptees are any different from you…when it comes to posting raw, intimate feelings on the internet where if too much detail is provided or even just specifics, there could be the potential for others to be hurt as well.  And consider the adoptee may be trying to down play it or generalize it so you will even consider listening.

Posted by on May 10, 2011 in Adoption


Tags: ,

21 responses to “It’s never the whole story…

  1. Amanda

    May 10, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    You’re right on.

    I have too often found adoptee blog posts being discussed by APs (usually) on adoption forums here and there. What I find most sad is that adoptee bloggers who have strong, unapologetic views and opinions on serious issues are patronized, joked about, put down, or commented “they should just ‘get over it!'” when it comes to things about adoption and experiences that others really could bennefit from listening to if they would, well, just listen!

    Or, as you said, not enough disclaimers are placed between every other word in the sentence structure and people spend more time making whatever was written about themselves than actually reading and commenting on what the adoptee wrote about.



    • The adopted ones

      May 11, 2011 at 1:00 pm

      I think we may have read the same conversation that sparked this post.


      • Amanda

        May 14, 2011 at 3:20 am

        I think you’re right.

        It’s funny how a forum full of I don’t know how many people can take something an adoptee poured their heart out about and make it all about themselves. Which is exactly what the adoptee was worried people (APs specifically) would do.


  2. Von

    May 10, 2011 at 10:34 pm

    So very true and it goes along with all those happy adoptees the non-adoptees ‘know’ who don’t have a problem with adoption.We tell out truth, if we told all our truth no-one could bear it.


  3. cb

    May 11, 2011 at 12:31 am

    Most of the time adoptees are “telling it like it is”, they are not just doing for themselves, they are trying to help other adoptees, including the youngest ones. Most times if I comment on something an AP has said that I don’t agree with, I’m not doing it to be contrary (well, not most of the time lol) but to help them see that perhaps what they are doing may not be “in the best interest of the child” (perhaps one of the most overused phrases in adoption around lol). When my opinion is dismissed, I am not hurt for myself but concerned about the APs child and feel frustrated that they can’t see what they are doing.


  4. Dannie

    May 11, 2011 at 12:42 am

    Nobody wants to believe there are ‘dark sides’ to something for the most part. Denial or downplaying makes for a better garden. Just sayin’ ….. I’m guilty of wanting the world to be butterflies and puppytails too.


    • cb

      May 11, 2011 at 1:20 am

      Of course, with a real garden, if one just looks at the flowers and denies the weeds, one might end up with a not so good garden.

      “butterflies and puppytails too”
      Sorry, I’m just picturing puppytails without their puppy attached them lol.


      • Dannie

        May 11, 2011 at 2:24 am

        bwahahaha I guess the visual isn’t so sweet about the puppytails, but just grew up with that expression LOL.


  5. Von

    May 11, 2011 at 4:13 am

    Heck!!I was imagining the tails attached to the puppies, although kittens are my preferred image of cuteness at present.We all want a better garden don’t we and while we do our best with the weeds we often have to deal with a less than ideal image?
    No-one shares all their pain and the whole truth, sometimes it is too confronting for others, much too ‘real’, raw and hard for others to believe.


    • The adopted ones

      May 11, 2011 at 12:58 pm

      And Von – I think your kittens are incredibly cute and check in from time to time see what’s new…and the video of the bee and dragon fly…I was laughing.


      • Von

        May 11, 2011 at 9:56 pm

        Thanks, lovely to know that you, like me, gain pleasure from something on the lighter side! The kittens are a wonderful antidote and the sweetest, most good natured creatures around.


  6. cb

    May 11, 2011 at 4:13 am

    What are little boys made of?
    Snips and snails, and puppy dogs tails
    That’s what little boys are made of !”
    What are little girls made of?
    “Sugar and spice and all things nice
    That’s what little girls are made of!”

    I know that my parents wouldn’t have agreed with the above in regards to me lol.


  7. Dannie

    May 11, 2011 at 4:48 am

    No analogy is great….however, I can say that I would not doubt any experience as an “oh just get over it” moment. I find it a bit sad when comments are made that adoptees need to “get over it” or are “just angry”. Maybe I just know too many now 😀 both online and IRL.

    My only window into this would be that I can never really ‘vent’ or ‘complain’ about my feelings as part of the special ed. staff at a public school about some parents that have zero respect and are downright nasty without cause because any comment I make about people respecting others gets bombarded with “well it must be hard to be a parent to that kid so don’t take it personally” or then I get soliloquy’s on how their child got screwed by the school system and the evil special ed. staff… I just try to not say anything because why get kicked when you’re down….

    So NEVER a perfect analogy or comparison, but it must suck royaly to be rarely validated or be heard without having to have disclaimers ready.


    • The adopted ones

      May 11, 2011 at 1:03 pm

      For what it’s worth – I think parents sometimes find you guys as the easy target instead of working in combination. Parents do have a responsiblity to work ‘with’ their kids at home too. I would imagine like any kind of therapy there are excercises that can be done/taken home to do too…


      • Von

        May 11, 2011 at 9:58 pm

        Don’t get me started! There is so much parents can do when they take parenting seriously and do it responsibly while working in tandem with the professionals.


  8. Von

    May 11, 2011 at 5:48 am

    How right you are…’rarely validated’, always disclaimers ready and yes it sucks.


  9. shadowtheadoptee

    May 11, 2011 at 3:06 pm

    Without weeds in the garden, could anyone really appreciate the flowers? sides, weeds have a beauty all their own. Buttercups,, blue bonnets indian paint brushes, and even dandy lions (that’s how we say it in TX), are pretty flowers, but they are all weeds.

    It’s too bad so many people never understand that a hillside covered with wildflowers is nothing more than a hillside of weeds that have reached their full potential.

    and CB, sugar and spice…my parents wouldn’t say that about me either. lol I also agree with you…everytime I share my life and experiences withAPs, and get ignored or dismissed, I can’t help but hurt for the children.


    • Dannie

      May 11, 2011 at 6:39 pm

      Shadow you’re making me miss Blue bonnets from my undergraduate years I lived there……you’re right, weeds can be pretty too 🙂


  10. adopted

    May 14, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    It would be very interesting to see how many of the commenters on that thread are white, middle class, never been out of their neighbourhood, only friends with the right people ie. same race, age, income etc? and have never been the odd one out and would never allow themselves into a situation where the odd one out was their reality?

    For myself, I never feel the need to defend anything I’ve done that I know is the right thing to do. Its only when you know somewhere deep inside of that you have been selfish, haven’t done what you knew was the right thing, that you feel the need to lash out. That speaks volumnes for their defensivness.


  11. joy21

    May 14, 2011 at 9:15 pm

    Well written and so true.

    You are a lot more generous than I am towards these kind of people.


    • The adopted ones

      May 14, 2011 at 9:19 pm

      Joy – could be just because I am old and tired and the mellowness is taking over. Who knows, I think it largely depends on my mood (or crankiness).



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