One story was a man who grew up with his mother as a single parent and wanted to search for his father after his mother passed away. Good story and a happy ending.
The other story was about twins adopted at birth and the ending wasn’t so nice. What they did right was to bring to light several key points.
*that their parents had adoption papers that had their names at birth listed that they did not know about until after their parents were gone.
*that they could have been separated at birth and adopted out separately if their parents only wanted one of the babies.
*that they could go and get a copy of their original birth certificate because Maine had recently changed the laws.
*they showed the emotions the twins felt looking at their birth certificates for the very first time, finding out which was the older twin, seeing the name of their mother, finding out how old she was and where she was from.
Small bits of info that mean so very much when you have absolutely nothing. To find out even what state your family is from, seems so small and unimportant to most but it is huge when you have nothing.
I did wince when they wrote a letter to their mother and thanked her for making an adoption plan for them. Something about that makes me think it would be more of a kick in the stomach than make their mother feel good, although I am sure that is different for each individual.
But watching and listening to the words they spoke about searching for medical history for them and their kids. Note one had a boy with CF that was obviously a shock to find out and I know they did want to search for that because the lack of it had slammed them personally, but they wanted more, at least one meeting. And I would expect they also had the hope that the relationship would develop into something deeper, at least that is what I saw.
I was really disappointed at their mothers reaction, they obviously were too and you could see it on their faces. They were upset that she could not take even 10 minutes to provide some medical history. That all the times they had talked about her that they did not expect her to be like that, to the point of denying them even their medical history. That feeling I know all to well having experienced it originally on my mother’s side of the family (although that changed) and again with my father. I still after all these years cannot understand why someone cannot take the time to have one conversation with their child.
Both stories were about people in their 40’s and it brought up the thoughts again on how we go through different life stages in defining who we are. And at each stage of our lives how unimportant or important knowing who were are is.
Looking back it seems like each decade of my life had different priorities and as a really rough and superficial estimate I think at:
*0-10 I was just a kid with the task of figuring out what adoption was and sad feelings and good times intermixed;
*11-20 there definitely was some real angst, feelings of disconnect, questions that needed to be answered, and deep sadness as I realized I would never know;
*21-30 I was all over the board trying to come to terms knowing I would never know, but mostly too involved in my own little world of spreading my wings, and the crashing of my world when my son passed away;
*31 – 40 the age of the internet was dawning, the questions and sadness were coming forward more and more in waves that really impacted me;
*41+ my mortality slapped me in the face literally, but even if it hadn’t I think that would have been the decade of intense frustration of needing to know and not having answers or success…
I would be interested to know how others perceived identity and being adopted by decade – anyone else want to share?