People see what they want to see…few dig deeper…

26 Dec
Last summer I ran an old childhood friend.  We had been next-door neighbors and played all the time.  Turns out she is an adoptive mother now to two kids…simply because when she found out they had infertility she turned to adoption because it worked out so well for me…
This on top of the fact that one of my favorite childhood cousins turned to adoption after infertility because it worked out so well for me…
Really?  Because I was a happy kid when I was playing?  No digging deeper?  No thought that I was simply a kid at the time?  Same level of maturity as – oh – I don’t know – say a KID?  The same type of kid whose biggest issues in life is what they will get for their birthday or if they can go swimming every day on summer vacation? 
Seriously?  Did you think to ask me how adoption impacted me, the whole me?  The teenage me?  The adult me?  No – it worked out so well for me when I was a kid…
I have to say I was stunned when I realized “I” was the reason why two different families turned willingly to adoption solely because it worked out so well for me…
Why wouldn’t it have worked out so well for me as a kid?  I did not have abusive parents – I had parents who loved me – really that’s all it takes to make a kid happy.  I didn’t have the newest gadgets, heck we didn’t even have a TV for years but it doesn’t take much to have fun playing with your friends.  But that doesn’t mean I did not have my share of adoption feelings, I just chose not to share those feelings.  No one asked me.  Adoption feelings for me were not 24/7 and I doubt any adoptee would say otherwise, as a kid, teenager, adult, just like most people, there are up times and down times….but it doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
I see this same mentality repeated over and over again today.  Some concerned parent will ask a question about whether an incident or comment might be adoption related and it is obviously adoption related, and yet most will answer no.  Why is that?  Are people really so clueless or do they choose to stick their head in the sand?  Keep those rose-colored glasses firmly in place that adoption is the same as bio, denial is the name of the game.  And if anyone dares to say it could be, rebuttals start happening with I know adoptees IRL or I have cousins who were adopted and none of them feel this way or that way – whatever the topic, even a few adoptees will add to the mix.  It seems like the mentality today is to deny reality that adoptees have another layer to deal with, good or bad, but there is more baggage and everyone deals with it differently.  I seriously thought we had gotten past that with the majority now in favor of not lying to their kids about being adopted.  Perhaps that majority has simply switched from not lying to denial that adoption comes with its own set of differences. 
How about for the coming year parents simply accept that being adopted adds a whole other layer to the picture, you know the one where we have two sets of parents and two complete families?  The one where we are raised by the second set and not the first?  You know what I mean? 
Lets just be real this coming year and accept the reality in totality for the individual who is impacted, their truth, not the fantasy you wish to paint?

Posted by on December 26, 2010 in Adoption


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5 responses to “People see what they want to see…few dig deeper…

  1. cb

    December 26, 2010 at 7:37 pm

    Good post!

    “How about for the coming year parents simply accept that being adopted adds a whole other layer to the picture, you know the one where we have two sets of parents and two complete families? The one where we are raised by the second set and not the first? You know what I mean?”
    What I think is funny is when you get APs who try to argue this by saying “our child say they wish they came from OUR tummies” and I think, of course they do; what they are wishing is that they were born and raised in the one family.


  2. The adopted ones

    December 26, 2010 at 7:53 pm


    Too funny and true in reality but they cannot see that…and they are still little kids – that’s as far as they go in understanding the reality of adoption…

    They just don’t get that fact – kids are kids – not adults…it really seems so simple.


  3. Von

    December 27, 2010 at 12:12 am

    Kids don’t always have the words to explain the feelings.Most of us adoptees, once we grew up, got real, it’s others who now need to understand the truth and get real about the adoption world and adoption i ndustry.


  4. The adopted ones

    December 27, 2010 at 2:57 pm

    Von – hope you had a really good Christmas with your sister…I knew you couldn’t ignore your friends on line…


  5. shadowtheadoptee

    December 27, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    True, so, so true. No matter how many times, or how many ways we say it, they still just don’t want to see it for what it really is.

    I hope, as I tell my own story hhere on our blog, that people will look past the circumstances, and see what was really going on inside. That’s one of the reasons I’m doing it. Heck, it amazes me, the feelings and issues, I see in myself that I never realized were there. I mean, I felt them, but just didn’t know how to express what I was feeling. I can’t believe people expect young children to be able to put into words those feelings…just blows my mind. Also, do they seriously think that adoptees, are going to come out and say to their adoptive families, “OH, yeah, by the way, I really didn’t want to be adopted.”? Uhm, can you say, “Emotional suicide”?



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