Last summer I ran an old childhood friend. We had been next-door neighbors and played all the time. Turns out she is an adoptive mother now to two kids…simply because when she found out they had infertility she turned to adoption because it worked out so well for me…
This on top of the fact that one of my favorite childhood cousins turned to adoption after infertility because it worked out so well for me…
Really? Because I was a happy kid when I was playing? No digging deeper? No thought that I was simply a kid at the time? Same level of maturity as – oh – I don’t know – say a KID? The same type of kid whose biggest issues in life is what they will get for their birthday or if they can go swimming every day on summer vacation?
Seriously? Did you think to ask me how adoption impacted me, the whole me? The teenage me? The adult me? No – it worked out so well for me when I was a kid…
I have to say I was stunned when I realized “I” was the reason why two different families turned willingly to adoption solely because it worked out so well for me…
Why wouldn’t it have worked out so well for me as a kid? I did not have abusive parents – I had parents who loved me – really that’s all it takes to make a kid happy. I didn’t have the newest gadgets, heck we didn’t even have a TV for years but it doesn’t take much to have fun playing with your friends. But that doesn’t mean I did not have my share of adoption feelings, I just chose not to share those feelings. No one asked me. Adoption feelings for me were not 24/7 and I doubt any adoptee would say otherwise, as a kid, teenager, adult, just like most people, there are up times and down times….but it doesn’t mean they aren’t there.
I see this same mentality repeated over and over again today. Some concerned parent will ask a question about whether an incident or comment might be adoption related and it is obviously adoption related, and yet most will answer no. Why is that? Are people really so clueless or do they choose to stick their head in the sand? Keep those rose-colored glasses firmly in place that adoption is the same as bio, denial is the name of the game. And if anyone dares to say it could be, rebuttals start happening with I know adoptees IRL or I have cousins who were adopted and none of them feel this way or that way – whatever the topic, even a few adoptees will add to the mix. It seems like the mentality today is to deny reality that adoptees have another layer to deal with, good or bad, but there is more baggage and everyone deals with it differently. I seriously thought we had gotten past that with the majority now in favor of not lying to their kids about being adopted. Perhaps that majority has simply switched from not lying to denial that adoption comes with its own set of differences.
How about for the coming year parents simply accept that being adopted adds a whole other layer to the picture, you know the one where we have two sets of parents and two complete families? The one where we are raised by the second set and not the first? You know what I mean?
Lets just be real this coming year and accept the reality in totality for the individual who is impacted, their truth, not the fantasy you wish to paint?
“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”
― Walt Whitman
Oct 2014: You may speak freely, but please try to use words that everyone can hear about your individual story or view. If you don't, those who can actually benefit won't hear it, I want to see change in my lifetime. I may refuse to approve certain comments.
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