Reasons and choices…or lack thereof…

22 Dec
I and many of the adoptees from my era were surrendered for adoption simply because our mothers had no choice.  Society deemed our mothers and us as bad, plain and simple the only solution was separation of mother and child. 
It was and is a reason I can understand and accept for my surrender due to the norms of society at the time.  I don’t have to like or accept how cruel and inhumane society was to our mothers, but for me, it takes the anger and blame away from my mother.  One mother cannot fight all of society to keep her child.
There is also the acknowledgement that based on the above societal dictates my mother was coerced and pressured to the point she had no choice but to surrender me.  Seeing how my mother had already passed on before we had a chance to reunite I have nothing to dispel this as my truth – my mother gets a free pass from any judgement or anger from me, the one not kept.
My question is how will the adoptees growing up right now and those yet to be surrendered in the future – feel when they are my age in this new era?
Personally if I knew my mother had found out she was pregnant and willingly chose to make an adoption plan (open or not) so she could finish college and continue on fulfilling her dreams whatever they may have been and blogged about what a wonderful thing adoption was…I doubt there would be a free pass from me.  I needed to know there was a real valid reason why I was surrendered…that if those reasons were removed she may have kept me.
Am I wrong?

Posted by on December 22, 2010 in Uncategorized


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8 responses to “Reasons and choices…or lack thereof…

  1. shadowtheadoptee

    December 22, 2010 at 4:39 pm

    No, you are not wrong. I would have felt the same. Maybe that’s why the anger I feel at my birthfather is harder to deal with. I understand the position my bmom was in. I even understand my Bfather’s position. Still, had things just been a little different, had he stepped up? Water under the bridge now? I’ll never really know what “really” happend between the two of them. They can’t be honest with themselves much less with me about the situation. Were I to find out that they had decided, agreed, to place me for adoption because they just didn’t want to parent, because it would get in the way of their plans? OH, I think saying I would be angry is an understatement. Seriously, as adoptees, do people really think we should be just fine with that?


  2. Von

    December 22, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    Our mothers of that era have a free pass.I was lucky enough to find mine.She never got over the relinquishment, the pain of the way she was treated.As a parent I find it extraordinary that anyone could give up a child, as an adoptee I would have found it unthinkable.
    In America I understand the pressures of the adoption industry,of family and church to be enormously difficult to fight against.It is perhaps more insidious than in past times, made to appear more acceptable and made out to be a ‘gift of love’ etc.
    Mothers today will have just a hard a time as mothers of the past.While it might appear the reasons for giving up babires are shallow and self-centred perhaps they are to do with erosion of confidence in parenting and all the other things the adoption industry uses to pressure pregnant women in order to keep up the supply of babies for sale.The demand is huge and isn’t going away any time soon.Look to the industry and those who promote it as the place to lay blame.


  3. The adopted ones

    December 22, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    I agree that the pressure is more under-ground than in your face in todays world. I do hold the adoption industry to be the main culprits.

    But what I see is an attitude of look at the gift I gave – isn’t adoption wonderful that just does not take into account the one actually in the middle.

    I just don’t see the future adult adoptees who have seen and experienced life fully accepting the choice made on their behalf by their mother with a free pass.

    Perhaps I am just seeing it through old eyes…


  4. Jeannette

    December 22, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    I totally understand your perspective. I actually totally agree with you 100% on this and I am a natural mom that placed her daughter in 1992. I was 16 at the time but had only 3 months left of high school. I did and still do love my daughter as much as any of my kids. I do understand there were choices and she wasn’t just taken from me. But her dad had threatened to kidnap both her and myself and keep us away from my family. He was 21 and had a lot of problems with drugs and alcohal. Her dad is actually in jail now for lewd and licivious acts with a minor.

    I had pressure from my family and church to place her. I was told that my body was just a vessel to bring her to her rightful parents. I had been told I would end up abusing her because I was a single mom. I was told I was not enough that she needed parents to be married and in a healthy relationship. I have regretted placing her since then, it was easier to cover up the feelings at the beginning. I was in survival mode. She has forgiven me, I still have a hard time forgiving myself.

    I have seen that now in 2010 expectant women are given studies that show how much better off adoptees are. Studies that show adoptees have higher IQ, higher grades, better social skills, higher education goals, better handling emotional issues, more friends, etc.

    We are not in the BSE but there is a lot more hidden and coercive measures used against mothers to get their children for rightful parents.


  5. The adopted ones

    December 22, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Jeannette – welcome…where tactics are used to manipulate or the safety is in question in my books thats a free pass…I hope you understand I am only speaking about a specific subset of mothers…


    • jeannette

      December 22, 2010 at 10:11 pm

      I do understand where you are coming from and I have questioned natural moms that recently placed their children. Moms that had support from their family to raise their children but chose not to. For me that is hard to understand. I have told these moms that the excuse that you loved your child enough to abandon them is not going to sit well with their adult children.

      I have read your blog for about 2 months and I really do agree with you on the majority of things, including this post. You write your feelings very well. I know adoption is a very painful and personal subject.


  6. cb

    December 23, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    You are right, AO.

    Even though I know my first mother had no real choice, I do sometimes wonder “why didn’t she tell her mum” – though I do know there are myriad reasons why she couldn’t. However, if I can feel those doubts even knowing that that really wasn’t a viable option for her in the 60s, I can’t imagine how it would feel if I were a modern day adoptee and I knew that my first mother had had real options.

    In my own case, since my first mother never made it to her 40th birthday and therefore has never had a chance to say anything about the situation, I too find it hard to pass judgment or be angry with her. Though she took her secret to her grave (families and later friends didn’t know) and therefore a lot will remain a mystery, I have learnt enough from various sources to know that it would not have been easy for her (as indeed it isn’t for most first mothers). I find that the more I learn from friends about her, the more I understand about her and it is helping me come to terms with it all.

    Jeanette, it is indeed sad that these coercive measues still go on. They may be more subtle than in the past but they are still the same.

    What is that saying: The more things change, the more they stay the same.
    Very true with adoption, I think.


  7. The adopted ones

    December 23, 2010 at 11:22 pm

    So true CB – sometimes it makes me really sad with all the losses in adoption.



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