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Wacky…

08 Dec
Von pointed readers to a blog that states the author believes that ‘birth mothers’ were meant to get pregnant and place their children for adoption by God to create families.
Since I read that I have been incredibly disturbed over anyone having that thought process, let alone someone who also intends to adopt.  I cannot imagine being the adoptee who was raised to believe my mother was placed on this earth to create a child to be surrendered and adopted out – all so someone else can be a parent. 
Why would anyone who believes in God believe that he would set out deliberately to cause life-long pain to our mothers and fathers, and for us (the adoptees) to need to be separated from our biological families and ALL the ramifications that go along with that – all to provide infants for others to adopt?  If they truly believe God is that powerful (and willing to pick and choose those who will have free will) then why would God not simply fix their infertility?  Seems like a much more humane easier solution all around to me…
Personally I think it is delusional thought process perhaps providing the potential adoptive parent the sense of entitlement to adopt.
Perhaps I read it wrong but that was my take on her words…

 

 
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11 Comments

Posted by on December 8, 2010 in Adoption, biological child, Ethics

 

Tags: , , ,

11 responses to “Wacky…

  1. shadowtheadoptee

    December 8, 2010 at 9:25 pm

    Unbelievable isn’t it? It’s like saying, especially in cases like ours involving sex before marriage creating our unwed mothers, that God forced them to sin? Goodness, don’t know about you, but I just don’t believe God, uhm, had that in mind. In my case, hearing the statement, “It must have been God’s will” just burns me up. Seriously, God’s will? I dunno, I kinda think, it was D and E’s will in charge there that brought about the circumstances being ripe for my creation. kwim? I also kinda, sorta think J and W adopted via their own will too. What I think is God did the best he could with what my parents gave him to work with. Just IMO. because…if that’s not how it was, God’s got some splainin to do. kwim? (wink)

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  2. Margie

    December 8, 2010 at 9:30 pm

    “Personally I think it is delusional thought process perhaps providing the potential adoptive parent the sense of entitlement to adopt.”

    You’ve got that right for sure.

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  3. Carlynne

    December 8, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    It’s how they justify having that sense of entitlement. My goodness… if you have God on your side and he arranged for this mother to be pregnant and give that baby up, how can anyone argue with that?! What I know is….. my daughter was not a gift I gave anyone, it was NOT meant to be, humans were responsible for the coercion and shaming of me that led to the adoption.

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  4. Von

    December 8, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    There are so many thought processes in adoption that are hard to understand from the adoptees’ point of view.Some to do with money, entitlement and gratification and some backed by beliefs.The one quoted was certainly interesting!

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  5. momsomniac

    February 9, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    It is possible that the issue is entitlement. There is a LOT of entitlement and OVER-entitlement in our world. It is also possible, however, that it’s just poor communication.

    If one is a person of faith, then all things are “meant to be” – which is not the same as them being good or deserved (and if anyone thinks they “deserve” a baby, I would question the honesty of their faith). I am nervous about this, but I am going to share what I wrote about this – for the very first time. Please kindly read the whole thing if you read it at all:

    http://momsomniac.wordpress.com/2010/05/20/a-matter-of-faith/

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  6. The adopted ones

    February 9, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    Momsomniac,

    My problem is that faith also teaches free will (the battle between God and Satan and the whole concept of good and evil on this earth) so it cancels out the caused to happen. Everyone has to discern what their faith is.

    Mine is more that things happen because of free will, disease, accidents, war, etc but it is what you learn from it, how it shapes you, and how you grow from it. It is a tricky subject and not everyone will ever agree. But the concept of causing pain deliberately so the end is adoption is not something I think is part of the plan. Finding someone to care and raise the child and be everything to the child after, that is something different.

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    • momsomniac

      February 9, 2011 at 11:22 pm

      I do understand what you are saying – as well as I can.

      While our faiths may not be the same, I hope I was able to express my thoughts clearly enough -I am absolutely not trying to change your mind. Just trying to share that not everyone who thinks ALL things are according to “God’s Will” means that we also think that these things are deserved/good/ right.

      Thank you again for sharing your thoughts in such a public way.

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      • momsomniac

        February 9, 2011 at 11:51 pm

        I also hope sharing my post – where I also talk about my past personal experience with poverty and homelessness as things I believe were “meant to be” sheds a little light on this view (again…not trying to change your mind – just trying to share a viewpoint more clearly).

        If one believes only that the tragedy of ANOTHER was “meant to be” so that she might enjoy a blessing ….well…then…”entitlement” hits the nail on the head.

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  7. The adopted ones

    February 10, 2011 at 1:59 pm

    Momsomniac,
    I try to keep a pretty open mind when I read other’s thoughts. I try to remember the old adage of walking a mile in another’s shoes first. I am sure sometimes I fail but I try to understand.

    I am pretty exhausted by afternoon so I read the post you linked too, but bookmarked your site to read in the morning when I am fresh. Reading my blog it is helpful if you understand I have had a stroke that took out my language center so sometimes I completely fail at getting my thoughts across. I am so much better than I was, but it depends on my energy and emotional levels at the time. I always want people to “ask” not “assume” what I meant.

    If I remember correctly she could not have children, prayed to God, he answered her prayer by deliberately placing “her” baby in another womens womb and planned for that women to be a birthmother all along, all just so she could be mommy. All wonderful… Not something that makes me as an adoptee happy to read. My parents adopted me because I needed a home – not because they needed a baby, they had the circumstances and love and if there were children that could benefit then great, but if not that then that was their reality. And really that has to be the reason to adopt, it is a different mindset. You can say there was a reason why things happened as they did and that is fine – but to say your baby was deliberately placed in another’s womb on purpose just so you could benefit over anothers tragedy…that crosses the line in the sand.

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    • momsomniac

      February 10, 2011 at 4:59 pm

      That woman’s thoughts on Gods ways are….sad. I can certainly understand why they hurt. Personally, I don’t think God is involved in our lives in quite that way. I have not found a way to put what I believe about that into words. But I am quite certain S/He is not playing cups with our lives like that.

      My husband (also adopted, as I mentioned) has very strong feelings that the decision to contact BPs should be the child’s, but he finally okayed me putting together a note and pictures each year (for C’s birthmother). I don’t even know if she gets them, but I hope she does. It’s interesting, but he was COMPLETELY at ease with me doing the same for fostermom.

      About C’s birthmother….I explained to him that I can’t help but thinking “that could be me” and that she must wake up every day thinking about her baby boy, hoping he’s okay, hoping the choice she made (and really, she didn’t have much choice) put him in a loving home. It was hard to say to him – because it was the same as saying that about his own birthmother. And I don’t believe he’s ready to think about that.

      As for why we adopted. That’s hard to explain. We wanted to with all our hearts. But why? I don’t know. I put in 2 years worth of research to find a way transparent enough to me that also met my husband’s requirements. And I am still not comfortable with all of it. I think the agencies sugar coated how our baby might feel & behave when he came home and I think the assessments focused far too much on our finances. The assessment of our mental capabilties relied entirely on what WE said as well (really? how many horrible people are upfront about it?) I don’t know that I can change these things, but I talk about it, which I hope is something.

      I won’t pretend I can understand the pain of infertility. I do understand feeling that one’s family was “meant to be”. But if that is so, I don’t think one person was meant to simply be a birthmother so another could be an AP. It’s simplistic thinking about a complex subject – both from a pragmatic view and from one of faith. And yes, it’s hurtful and terribly entitled.

      Anyway….

      I hope I have not offended…just shared. My faith came to me in a very, very strange (and almost unbelievable) way and it’s sometimes hard to recall how I thought before.

      I am enjoying your blog…your openness and your writing are all moving. Thank you so much for engaging with me. I better get to work now….

      Thank you.

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      • The adopted ones

        February 10, 2011 at 6:01 pm

        Of course you have not offended…asking questions are not offensive. It is how both sides can open their minds…:)

        Just as a side note – I am the prolific blogger here but Shadowadoptee also posts as well so until you get used to our own writing styles check the author under the title. I do expect to hear more from Shadowadoptee in the near future.

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