Judging others…

06 Sep
We seem to have become a society where judgements are made based on comments alone based on our priorities or feelings.  No one takes the time to reach deeper into what happened or didn’t happen or where that person is in their journey.  No time for deeper reflection or to dust off that seldom used tool called empathy, it is easier simply to pass judgement and move on or argue the point endlessly.  I view the judgement spewing out of people’s mouths daily and it makes me sad and know that I am guilty of the same.  I am human and you are human and simply because we are human we are judged and judge, right or wrong, judgements are formed and volleyed back and forth without a thought of the damage simple words do.  I for one think it is time to take a step back and contemplate our rush to judgement.  I don’t like to be judged and I am sure you don’t either  Perhaps a couple of questions seeking clarification should be the first step.  Or listening to the words and thinking first instead of jumping to a conclusion on what we think was said should be another step.  Or just letting our humanity and empathy come forth without requiring a judgement to be included at all…
Last week the weather was perfect.  Mid 70’s without humidity and just a gentle breeze yet looking out my kitchen window I saw a combination of occasional joy and primarily ugliness.  The joy was easy to spot in the birds and squirrels visiting for their daily rations of peanuts and sunflower seeds.  The ugliness was the planters that ‘graced’ my deck railings – the ugliness of dead flowers that had not survived the days of extreme heat of August.  Yesterday I tore out all the dead flowers so I could plant my winter pansies and discovered that I was the one at fault for the flowers demise.  I had made the decision to have planters overflowing with flowers and chose to overlook the fact that they would become hopelessly root-bound and have to compete for ever drop of water and nutrient to be found in the soil.  I judged my need for beauty and lots of beauty at that, to be more important than what the plants need to survive and it made me think that if I hold such small value for something that I love and need so much, what am I doing to those I claim are my friends?  Seems like a stretch but is it?  If I do not care for the earth can I care for my fellow human beings?  If I don’t care to nurture and do the best for those within my circle should I expand it to include strangers simply to voice my opinion too and judge them without truly understanding what is in their hearts and soul let alone the road they have travelled?  Or should I reach out to them with a kind word and understanding that life sometimes is just tough and everyone needs a helping hand?
When it comes to adoption and the three main categories of players we are all guilty of judging the other two categories and perhaps even more so our own category.  I see this with adoptees most often and how I have to bite my tongue each time another adoptee wants to make an AP feel great about adoption because they had such a perfect experience and never felt rejected or had feelings of abandonment, well you get the drift of what will be said and if they would leave it at that then I would be okay with it for the most part.  But they feel the need to clarify that they really don’t understand how other adoptees can feel that way or question who they are or feel like they lost something.  That judgement when combined with the adoption is the best of the best throws all the other adoptees under the bus who believe or know that adoption has impacted them in one or more ways, and they judge them to be less than, because it makes them feel superior and they seem to need to paint being adopted as the perfect solution 100% of the time.  To me those type of posts have the potential to hurt this next generation of adoptees growing up right now.  Those that need their parents to understand that amidst the good days there will be days they are feeling sad or feel rejected or feel the need to know they look like someone, or cannot understand why they were given away, lost their language and culture or any other feeling they may have that is related to be adopted. 
These types of posts from self-proclaimed happy adoptees undo all efforts made to get AP’s to think critically, outside of the box or their experience, about how adoption can and does affect adoptees in negative ways too, and that some adoptees who would never talk about it to their parents about these feelings – will not have validation or tools to work through the feelings they have.  They will never be taught by their parents it is okay to feel this way and that it is natural and normal.  Instead these posts create that adoption is all good and parents want to be blind to the pain, what parent wouldn’t?  But parents being blind to the painful side can cause the creation of that mask adoptees wear that many never can take off.  The mask that smiles all the time and negates that adoption impacted then in any negative way and denies any needs they have.  Why can’t these self-proclaimed happy adoptees see they are failing the next generation of adoptees by throwing any adoptees under the bus who are willing to talk about the hard side of adoption?  Why the need to appear perfect?  Why can’t they open their hearts and minds to accommodate the understanding that each adoption and adoptee is unique and one size does not fit all?  AP’s have to understand this but they want to hear everything is great and everything will be sunshine and roses and many won’t go down the path of pain with without the gentle urging of those who have been or still living with that side of adoption.  Some AP’s will cling to the words in posts like this and willingly choose to negate, dimiss and ignore that their adoptees might have bad times simply because they were adopted.   Judging each other is never the better solution it just creates more pain. 

Posted by on September 6, 2010 in Uncategorized


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3 responses to “Judging others…

  1. shadowtheadoptee

    September 7, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    It makes me sad to read post from those “happy” adoptees. They seem to fight so hard to prove they are different from those of us, who acknowledge grief and loss. They seem to fight so hard to “convince” adoptive parents adoption is the perfect solution for all. These post usually include a comment like, “I always felt special because I was adopted. I was chosen.”

    I wonder if their parents told them they were special for reasons other than adoption? I wonder if they truly understand that adoption is not what makes them special, but that they are special because of “who they are”. Do they really believe that any children they might bare are not going to be as “special” because they are not adopted? I wonder about their parents. What kind of parent instills in their child that they are “special” because they are an adoptee, instead of because of who they are inside.

    I want to tel the adoptee and the adoptive parents that adoption is how you become a family. It is not what makes you special. I believe most adoptive parents, and adoptees, want to feel like “normal” families; like they are no “different” from any other family. Isn’t telling your child they are “special” because they were adopted, telling them they are somehow “different” from other children? Do they really not see the damage that is done by telling an adoptee that they are “special” because they are adopted? Can they not see that they are, in fact, doing exactly what they “don’t” want to do, which, is point out that their child is, in fact, different from the rest of the family?
    Adoptees are chosen? I wonder how the “special and chosen” adoptee will feel if they ever realize that few adoptees are “chosen”. In today’s domestic adoption, it seems to me, the only ones being chosen are the adoptive parents by the expectant mothers and fathers, and the expectant mothers and fathers by the adoptive parents. In such a case, was the adoptee really “chosen” any more than a biological child would have been?

    After the hundrerds of post I’ve read by “happy” adoptees, I worry that the day will come when they realize, like us, the truth about adoption. I sometimes wonder if they are not better off never knowing the truth about adoption. I worry about what will happen if they find their birthparents, and their birthparents reject them. Will they still want to “thank” them after that? What if their birthparents didn’t really “love them so much” they did what was best? What if they find out that their life wasn’t “so much better”, or they didn’t “have more opportunities” than their birthparents could have given them? What if they find out, in reunion, everything they’ve been told about their adoption has been a lie? Will they still feel special then? I’ve seen it happen too many times. It breaks my heart.

    My judgement: Thinking anything else is too, too painful for them to deal with. Maybe they are, indeed, better off always thinking adoption makes them “special”. The fact that they feel such a strong need to “prove” adoption is so wonderful to adoptive parents, is more than adequate proof to me that they are the same as us. They just can’t acknowledge it. I just pray that adoptive parents see past their protest too. I know some will, and those who don’t want to will not. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to the time when I had no adoption issues, no pain, no loss, but then I wouldn’t be who I am today. Then again, did I ever, really, not have those things? If I could go back to that time, would I be able to be their when the “happy” adoptee begins to understand, hurt, and needs support? I’ll stop rambling now, and I hope this compliments your post somehow. I wonder if we have been reading the same things? I know what you are saying. I say we just keep telling our truths. Not everyone will want to hear or listen, but some will.


  2. The adopted ones

    September 7, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Of course your comments compliment my post – you provide the nuances needed to clarify my attempt at saying what I want to say…thats one of the best part of being friends – you get me – despite the fact that my words now come from the right side (wrong side) of my brain and yes that makes it hard for others to understand – but not you…Cheers!


  3. jim

    September 10, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    this is awesome man



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