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Trust and love

03 Jul
I equate being loved with being abandoned and yet I need to be loved for me but I continue to question why, why, why do you love me?  I remember dating as a teenager and as soon as someone loved me I would leave, I had to protect myself, there was no turning back – it would be like something clicked inside of me – warning me – turning my feelings into coldness – leave – run – an inner voice screaming that it would hurt too much to stay and watch them walk away because every one leaves – it is just a matter of time.  It happened time after time and there was no way I could stop myself a never-ending cycle of being the first to leave determined to never be the one left behind again.  Being loved by someone and loving someone opens me up to being abandoned…left alone…but yet I cannot stand to be alone…truly alone without a soul mate who shares my life and has my back, who is there for me always…but yet that fear of being alone never leaves…of not having someone love me and being abandoned again because everyone always leaves me in the end.  I never want to be alone again, to feel that void deep within my soul – shedding tears that never show, my mask firmly in place, never show pain, never show weakness, never ever be vulnerable again.
…being adopted has impacted me in ways I would never have imagined but it has always been a part of who and what I am…just like I will aways expect to be abandoned once again…
To my friends…these are simply thoughts that have circled my head and heart for as long as I have been around…not something new that I am going through…
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4 Comments

Posted by on July 3, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

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4 responses to “Trust and love

  1. shadowtheadoptee

    July 6, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    We are twins. Ditto. I’m not so much afraid of being alone. I think it is a fact that I accepted from the beginning. I am alone. Alone means no one can hurt me For me, it’s avoiding pain. If I never depend on, or trust, I can’t be let down. I can’t be hurt. If I never attach: no pain. My goal in life is to not hurt. I’m failing miserably. lol

    I’m working on this trust thing. You are helping me do that. It’s nice to know I’m not alone and someone else understands what it is like.

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  2. The adopted ones

    July 6, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    If you are failing miserably then I am too…I keep circling round and round…I trust my mate but still wait and expect the same result. One thing I seem to have conquered for at least the time being, is not doing the mental excercise of building the wall – stacking each brick one at a time around my heart. For so many years that was the way I blocked each time I hurt the mental process of creating my armour…so perhaps I am getting stronger one step at at time.

    Missed you lately…

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  3. shadowtheadoptee

    July 6, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    After 10 years of marriage, I think my husband, though not perfect, is as trustworthy as they come. When I look at our marriage/relationship, and then look at others, I think we are both blessed to have each other. We’re both committed, and we both try our best. We both have trust issues, and I think we both know it, so maybe that makes us work at it more? Still, way in the back of my head is that voice saying he could leave. He’s done nothing. There is no reason for it, and when I get down to the nitty gritty of the feeling, basically, I’m just afraid, not so much that he will leave, but of how much it would hurt if he did. Does that make sense? What I want to know is how to get rid of the fear. I don’t think it is my husband I don’t trust so much as life that can’t be trusted, kwim?

    I’m sorry I haven’t had much to say lately. I think, I’m just trying to figure out what I do, and where I go, from here? After all the drama of my reunions,it feels so strange to be a part of two families, feel connected, but no genuine connection to either. Does that makes sense? I don’t really know if I’m describing the feeling just right?

    Taken from a thread: I feel like a pine tree that grew up in the desert. It’s not a bad thing, or a good thing. It just is. The only thought that comes to mind is that I survived.

    I don’t know why, but I sent an email to my Bsis, on Bdad’s side, the one who has never really shown any interest in getting to know me. I just said I was thinking of her, hoped she was well, and happy 4th. I was 99.9999% sure I’d get no response. This morning, I had a reply from her. Weird thing is I’m surprised, but not surprised, if that makes any sense. She just said, “always thinking of you too”, things were crazy, and she would try to be better in the fall, which is when the kids go back to school. Honestly, I don’t expect to hear from her in the fall. I’ve heard that before. I am curious as to what prompted her to respond, when she never responded to my last few emails, which were sent a couple of years ago. Hmmm, must be that trust thing again? Whether I hear from her or not, just doesn’t matter that much anymore, kwim? I know I did all I could to reach out to all of them, but I still wonder what prompted her to reply to the email? You just never know. Come to think of it, I wonder what prompted me to send it? lol

    Well, for someone, who has been quiet for a while, I had a bit more to say than I thought. lol

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  4. The adopted ones

    July 6, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    It constantly amazes me how similar our journey is…

    Same with me in both of us has trust issues and all the rest. We seem to live outside of either of our families and that seems to be the best – just us and our critters.

    Same with me in being in reunion but not feeling connected to either, especially now that dad has passed – he was my real connection and the rest is less – I cannot describe it better. I want substance and not just happy words – I want to know who is inside – where they stand – what their passions are and why…how are you and we did this and that just don’t cut it.

    I think it would be better to not have families sometimes.

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