I don’t understand…

30 Apr

I read stories by women who suffer infertility or medical issues where pregnancy is not recommended and the pain and grief they feel on not being able to have a biological child.  That grief is real, valid, and for some (and perhaps for many or all) the pain is life long.  Some of those will turn to adoption to form their family. 

Of those who have turned to adoption to form their family, some do not ‘get’ the grief mothers who place their child suffer.  Note it is this segment of PAP’s and AP’s I talk about below. 

I see posts and comments by PAP’s and AP’s who casually note that the mother (they use term birth mother or expectant mother) may feel pain for a bit or will grieve for a while but they say it like it is really not anything to worry about.  But they do not recognise the true depth of feelings the mother will have, and that the pain will be there for life.

How can these AP’s and PAP’s not recognise this inherent pain and grief of placing your child for adoption and expect that pain to not last a lifetime? 

AP’s and Pap’s are in pain because they wanted a child and some never get over not having their own biological connection, regardless if they spout all the right words or not. 

How can they not see that a mother who placed a child would not be in pain magnified 1,000+ fold more than theirs? 

PAP’s and AP’s pain: we can never have our own baby.  Their dreams are simply dreams and desires and no child was conceived, carried, born, held, cherished, loved. 

Mothers who conceived a child, carried, birthed, held, loved, cherished and signed away their rights so the child would have a better life , have a child out their who is no longer legally related to them.  

How can those PAP’s and AP’s noted above NOT SEE THIS PAIN? 

How can they tell a pregnant woman who thought about adoption but decided to raise the child instead that they are being selfish, immature, not thinking about the childs best interest? 

When I read these comments I hear instead.  How dare you chose to parent over adoption.  Think of all of us PAP’s and AP’s who want to adopt.  How can you be so selfish and deny US the chance to have a baby?  We would be better parents than you.  We deserve to be parents because we want to be parents and would never consider adoption. 

I just do not understand.  When I have gone through traumatic events in my life I have grown spiritually from what I have gone through.  I have become more empathetic, understanding, able to relate and have sympathy for where that person is in their journey through life.  I have become a better person. 

Why can’t these PAP’s and AP’s?  Why is their desire to be a parent more important than the mother who is pregnant when they already know the pain of infertility?  Should that not make them aware of just how precious that child is to the mother?  Should they not be the first ones to counsel the mother to figure out a way to parent?  Shouldn’t they place the biological connection of the parent and child above all else?  Should they allow their anger and bitterness of not having a biological child to spill over onto women who are struggling with the thoughts and fears of impending parenthood?

I do not understand the ‘my needs first and damn the rest of you‘ mentality.  I honestly don’t.


Posted by on April 30, 2010 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , ,

2 responses to “I don’t understand…

  1. shadowtheadoptee

    April 30, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    …and why is it they assume every child relinquished by a mother, who doesn’t feel she can parent, is placed with a loving adoptive family? Where is the guarantee to the mother or the relinquished child that the child will be placed in a loving adoptive home? How can they advise an expectant mother to relinquish her child, when in fact they have no idea what kind of home that child will be placed in? Even if the expectant mother picks the adoptive parents, can anyone give her a guarantee that the child will always have the perfect family? How can they tell her it would be in the best interest of the child, when they, themselves, can’t possibly know that for a fact?

    Why do people automatically assume that adoption is the solution for an unmarried woman, who finds herself unexpectedly pregnant, and in a situation she would rather not be in? Why do they assume she isn’t capable of stepping up to the plate to be a parent to her child? Why do they assume adoption is the easy solution to the problem? Who are they to judge, and how would they know?

    Pregnat? Don’t want to be, but too late to abort? Just place the baby for adoption. No problem, and problem solved. Everyone lives happily ever after. Yeah, right!

    …and to be fair, it pisses me off when I hear someone tell an infertile couple, “Just adopt.” Yeah, that just make everything perfect, doesn’t it? What’s wrong with people?


  2. dpen

    October 27, 2011 at 3:28 pm

    Coming late here. Been trying to read past posts and am very impressed with whats been written.

    I wanted to comment on this post. I so agree with what you wrote. How can PAPS not see the pain? Many are just brainwashed into the old mindset adoption is wonderful, acceptable and a way to “grow a family” when the normal ways fail them. I believe most of it is ignorance of what adoption is. I think most people know deep, deep down in their hearts and souls…I think we all know thats its a horrabily sad thing but the rationalizations and self absorbation get in the way and what they want because tantamont to the end result…getting a baby. They believe the proganda because its suits them.

    My pet peeve though is how closed minds think of the actual baby….how their needs are not seen clearly. Nor does anyone want to see what the true feelings are of adoptees(those cute littel babies that have completed some families and ruined their bfamilies all grown up)..

    I don’t think its just paps, AP’s…I think its also the natural fammilies that want to control the pain factor of the adoptee.

    why can’t they all at least try to understand us and try to minize what we are feeling.

    Because it suits them.



Tell me your thoughts, but please be nice...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: