Daily Archives: April 30, 2010

I don’t understand…

I read stories by women who suffer infertility or medical issues where pregnancy is not recommended and the pain and grief they feel on not being able to have a biological child.  That grief is real, valid, and for some (and perhaps for many or all) the pain is life long.  Some of those will turn to adoption to form their family. 

Of those who have turned to adoption to form their family, some do not ‘get’ the grief mothers who place their child suffer.  Note it is this segment of PAP’s and AP’s I talk about below. 

I see posts and comments by PAP’s and AP’s who casually note that the mother (they use term birth mother or expectant mother) may feel pain for a bit or will grieve for a while but they say it like it is really not anything to worry about.  But they do not recognise the true depth of feelings the mother will have, and that the pain will be there for life.

How can these AP’s and PAP’s not recognise this inherent pain and grief of placing your child for adoption and expect that pain to not last a lifetime? 

AP’s and Pap’s are in pain because they wanted a child and some never get over not having their own biological connection, regardless if they spout all the right words or not. 

How can they not see that a mother who placed a child would not be in pain magnified 1,000+ fold more than theirs? 

PAP’s and AP’s pain: we can never have our own baby.  Their dreams are simply dreams and desires and no child was conceived, carried, born, held, cherished, loved. 

Mothers who conceived a child, carried, birthed, held, loved, cherished and signed away their rights so the child would have a better life , have a child out their who is no longer legally related to them.  

How can those PAP’s and AP’s noted above NOT SEE THIS PAIN? 

How can they tell a pregnant woman who thought about adoption but decided to raise the child instead that they are being selfish, immature, not thinking about the childs best interest? 

When I read these comments I hear instead.  How dare you chose to parent over adoption.  Think of all of us PAP’s and AP’s who want to adopt.  How can you be so selfish and deny US the chance to have a baby?  We would be better parents than you.  We deserve to be parents because we want to be parents and would never consider adoption. 

I just do not understand.  When I have gone through traumatic events in my life I have grown spiritually from what I have gone through.  I have become more empathetic, understanding, able to relate and have sympathy for where that person is in their journey through life.  I have become a better person. 

Why can’t these PAP’s and AP’s?  Why is their desire to be a parent more important than the mother who is pregnant when they already know the pain of infertility?  Should that not make them aware of just how precious that child is to the mother?  Should they not be the first ones to counsel the mother to figure out a way to parent?  Shouldn’t they place the biological connection of the parent and child above all else?  Should they allow their anger and bitterness of not having a biological child to spill over onto women who are struggling with the thoughts and fears of impending parenthood?

I do not understand the ‘my needs first and damn the rest of you‘ mentality.  I honestly don’t.


Posted by on April 30, 2010 in Uncategorized


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