Tag Archives: reunion
I found this article from 2002 posted on Musings of the Lame Facebook page. Grab a coffee first because it is a long read – but a fascinating read. According to the article Dateline also did a story on them.
“When Nine Babies From The Same Family Were Scattered To New Homes, Who Could Predict They Would Reunite As Best Friends And Lovers?”
This story out of Calgary is yet another prime example of the foolishness of sealed records and how unnecessary they are. Read the story and then ask yourself what if they had been brother and sister instead of brothers, and they had started dating… Read the rest of this entry »
I deal with insomnia – nothing seems to solve it so I watch TV quietly or read. This morning it was TV – the Canadian show - Ancestors in the Attic – that comes up with interesting story lines, and condenses it into a half-hour. Below is the episode I saw this morning – I am not great at recapping, and it will be choppy, but I think you will get the highlights. Read the rest of this entry »
It’s day 12 of adoption awareness month, and the prompt for today is relationships with significant others. I never know, when I start a post, just where it will go, what my point is, or, sometimes, even if I have one. It’s, apparently, not a new trait. My husband, lovingly I hope, tells me regularly, “Your mind just goes places; no one else’s mind dares to go.” I don’t know if he’s right. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, or not, but I am who I am. How has being adopted affected my relationships with others? Isn’t that a loaded question? Now, how do I tie that in with the conclusion of “Isn’t Life Interesting”?
In my mid 40s, and, approximately, three years into my reunion with D, my first father, the final, knock-out, punch, of the reality of adoption, hit me, and sent me to the mat for the count. The best description I can give you is that, for me, as they say in the world of addiction recovery, I hit rock bottom with this realization. What I am about to say has the potential to upset, offend, and possibly anger, a lot of first parents, first family members, and maybe even a few adoptive parents. It upset quite a few of my family members, so prepare yourself if you are a bit sensitive to some of the realities of adoption. However, harsh, and cold, it may sound, it is the truth, and a fact of my life. Though, many of my family were, and are, angry that I point this out, not one of my family members has denied its truth.
Though this does not pertain to all adoptees, it does pertain too many of us, especially those of us from the baby scoop error (yes, I intentionally used that word). It hit me like a speeding freight train from out of nowhere, when I realized that on the day I was born, there was not a soul on the face of the earth that was happy about it. Having grown up with the belief, as most people do, that the birth of a child is always a joyous occasion, this, particular, reality of adoption, that not all babies births were joyous occasions, and I, in fact was one of those babies, well, I guess you could say it sort of rocked my world.
There was no happy, joyous family waiting to see their new baby girl. My welcome into the world was full of sadness, and denial. When I entered the world, I was not placed in the loving arms of my mother, father, or family. I was not placed in the loving arms of my new adoptive family, as there were no waiting adoptive parents. For me, there was only a hospital nursery, where I lay alone. The only family there was my first mother’s sister. Though the nurses did allow her to sit with me for a while, she was not allowed to touch me, or hold me. Yes, on the day I was born there were no doting parents, proud, and ready to take their baby home. There were no happy faces smiling at me cooing and telling me how precious I was. There was just a baby, alone in a hospital crib. If that isn’t one hell of a welcome into the world, I don’t know what is. If it isn’t obvious how that might have affected my relationships with significant others in my life, I don’t know what else I can tell you. If the effect of adoption on me isn’t obvious in, not only this story, but my own story, as I’ve shared it, I don’t know how better to explain it.
As I mentioned in part THREE, if you look CLOSELY, my journey through the stages of grief, is apparent. The final stage, in the grieving process, is acceptance, and with that, let’s get on with the conclusion of “Isn’t Life Interesting”.
“Well, I think I went from making a point in the beginning to getting some things off my chest. So, what was my point? I’ve reunited with my entire biological family on both my Bmom’s and Bdad’s side. I’ve witnessed the countless issues, effects, emotions, and other issues adoption has brought into the lives of my entire biological family for good and for bad. I’ve experienced my own issues caused by adoption. I’ve seen the good and bad there as well. Someone asked me once about finding my birth parents, “If you knew then what you know now, would you do it again?” I didn’t even have to think about it. I answered with an emphatic, “Yes.” For me, knowing my biological family, even with all the pain and emotions, was worth every minute. Even though, I have little or no relationship with some of them, it was worth it. Would I have rather grown up in my biological family as opposed to my adoptive family? Well, what an interesting scenario that would have been, to be raised by my bio parents, but I can’t honestly say either way. Wondering what might have been, though sometimes fun, doesn’t change anything, and usually just causes me pain. My life is my life with all the good and all the bad, which brings me back to my cousins precious little one.
Because of adoption, a couple, who could not have children of their own, will now have an opportunity for the family they wanted so badly. A child, who was a victim of circumstance, is now an adoptee with a loving family. There are new bio parents, who will someday feel the loss of relinquishing their child, but will know they did what was best for her. Someday, because of adoption, she may choose to find her biological parents, like I did, and another roller coaster will take off.
Isn’t it interesting that a family, my Bdad’s that had never been touched by adoption has now been touched twice? I feel a kind of kindred spirit with my cousin’s daughter. I don’t know what her future holds, but whatever it is; there will be someone there for her who understands what it is like to be an adoptee.
Whatever your part in adoption, Adoptee, Adoptive family member, or biological family member, whatever feelings you have about adoption at the moment, I hope, by sharing my cousin’s story, you will see, like I did, that though there is so much pain and emotions for all of us involved in the triad, that in the midst of all the pain happiness can be found. I also hope that doesn’t sound too completely sappy, and you get my point, which I’m not really sure about myself anymore. Lol”
Happiness can always be found if you look for it; if you want to see it. Isn’t happiness everyone’s goal in life? You see, it’s that insistence that we have to, always, be happy, that I have a bit of an issue with. I began my life surrounded by denial, and grief. I know, from experience, that some will accuse me of being overly dramatic, and some will say I am just feeling sorry for myself. Though I know what I’ve stated, about the day I was born, will upset, and anger, some, I refuse to live my life surrounded by that denial. The facts of my life are what they are. Sad as some of those facts are, I have to live with that knowledge. I do not dwell on them, as some may think, and will accuse me of such, telling me to leave the past in the past. Writing about the facts, the truth, having the courage to face it, grieve it, and talk about it, is not dwelling. It is acceptance. It is the acceptance of my past.
Not fully accepting the facts of my past, acknowledging those facts, for me, is the same as denying the past, and denying they are part of who I am. No, they are not happy facts. My acknowledgement of those sad facts may be an emotional trigger for some. For me, however, they have been a part of the grieving process, and part of my acceptance of it all. Without acknowledging all the sad facts of my life, how can I truly appreciate all of the happiness in my life? When I started with Part 1 of this story, I had no idea that this is where I would end up. Ah, yes. Isn’t life interesting?
Day 11 and on with Part 3 of “Isn’t Life Interesting” – Part 1 here, Part 2 here. For adoptees, searching, or not searching, is such a personal choice. I think, so many times, even when we have educated ourselves on the possible issues, and think we are prepared for whatever comes; we find out that there was no possible way to prepare for reunion, or finding our first families. For many of us, searching, and reunion catches us completely off guard. No matter how grounded, and ready we think we are, searching, and reunion, can knock us off our feet in ways unimaginable. The grief we feel, even if we don’t know that is what it is, at times, is so completely overwhelming, it can terrify us. As I’ve been writing these posts, and rereading this story I wrote so long ago, I was a bit amazed when it dawned on me, just how well the five stages of grief are portrayed in this one story. The denial, the anger, which you are about to read, the bargaining, the depression, and well, I’ll save the last one for the end, are all here if you look. Now, let’s get on with the story.
“As I watched this unfold, I continued to deal with my own issues with my adoption and reunion. It still amazes me as to the naïvety of people on the subject of adoption and reunion. Shouldn’t we all be happy? Adoptive parents should be happy. They now have a child. No one stops to think that they might feel the loss of not having a child of their own. They don’t think about the invasion of privacy the adoptive couple went through to ensure that they were suitable parents. They don’t think about the weeks, months, and years that went by with no phone call from the agency. They don’t think of the disappointment when a birth mother changes her mind. They don’t think about the silly things that are said to adoptive parents and adoptees in reference to adoption. No need to list any, we’ve all heard them. What about adoptive parents when adoptees want to find biological parents? More issues to deal with.
The adoptee should be happy. They have a loving family to provide their needs. They never stop to think that not all adoptees are adopted by “loving” families. Agencies screen parents. How could you be adopted into an abusive home? Trust me. It happens more frequently than you think. Even if that isn’t the case, and an adoptee has a great adopted family, there are still issues to deal with. Read this forum and you will see the many, many issues. Whether adoptees feel the need to search for biological family or not, there is something about being adopted that makes us just a tiny bit different from normal. That’s not a bad thing. It is just a fact. If you aren’t questioning something about adoption, why are you reading this?
Biological parents should be happy. They made the decision to relinquish out of love for their child. They wanted their child to have things they couldn’t give them. I could go on. It was best for the child. People think a bio parent is supposed to be happy about that? Just go on with their life like it was nothing? It just amazes me to think that people really believe that separating a mother or father and their child is something that they are supposed to “just forget about”. I’ve raised horses and cows. Did you know that horses and cows mourn the loss of their babies at weaning time? They do, and their calves and foals also mourn the loss of their mothers at weaning time. Listening to them cry for each other at weaning time breaks my heart. I can’t stand it! For any human to think another human could “just forget and go on with their life”, well, it really makes me angry.
Then there are reunions. Aren’t we all so happy when we reunite? If that were the case, why do we need this forum? Oh, the issues reunion brings out.”
Shouldn’t we all be happy? What a question, and why aren’t we? What a price to pay so that everyone in the triad can be happy. Knowing that there still so many people who just don’t get it, telling infertile couples to “just adopt”, and telling adoptees, “just be grateful”, and first parents, “just make an adoption plan”, and oh, doesn’t that just solve all of our problems? Even after all these years, it still makes me so angry at the lack of compassion, the denial of society to the reality of adoption. Whew! I think that’s enough for today. I can feel my blood pressure rising now. See you tomorrow with part 4, and the conclusion.