What I seldom hear first in the message of “called to adopt”

By TAO

I have hesitated posting this for several days, but I have decided to go ahead because I think it is something I need to say.  Something has bothered me but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, but first let me take a step back putting the concern on ethical adoptions for only those who truly need adoption aside for the moment…

We are all defined in some way by how we were raised, our values, our belief systems, whether by keeping them, modifying them in some way, or dismissing them outright.  I have for the most part kept mine the same, albeit a few differences.  My parents strongly believed in living a life to serve and help others, whatever service or help they could offer to a person or group.  They were/are living examples of what they believed in every single day of their life, not just one day a week, or at conferences, every single waking hour in some way, big or small, they served others first and at a cost to themselves.

Yet, adopting us was not part of that service to others.  They adopted because they wanted to be parents.  They did not adopt us to convert us, or bring the word of God to us because their ministry said that is what they needed to do.  They adopted us to have a family, be a family.  Their only motive to adopt was to be parents – no other reason, no rescue meme, not to convert us, just to be the best parents they could to their children.

To me, I see a distinct difference between my parents motives, and what I see in the many blogs, articles, talk in the wider communities of those in the orphan ministries.  It isn’t about their faith, or how they believe the Bible tells them their primary service / mission is to care for the orphans via adopting, how they were called to adopt because God adopted them that bothers me deep down.  People have interpreted the scriptures in so many different ways – just look at how many different religions exist.  It’s not even about the attitude in some such as that it really doesn’t matter if there were discrepancies (large or small) in the adoptions, or, that all that matters is the child will benefit by being taught about Jesus, or how adoption was God’s Plan A for that child.  Everyone has the right to their opinion or belief.

It’s about the fact that some who follow the orphan ministries never mention in their long rebuttal comments, or their blog posts - that first, they just wanted to be parents, and then they chose to become parents via adoption, then determined what type of adoption.  That fact whether it is real, or simply an omission, bothers me more than anything else said, or believed, because I think that desire to parent has to be there first, before the route to parenthood is considered, especially in adoption.  I do believe some, hopefully most parents, regardless of what motivated them choose adoption, will be great parents to their adopted child or children, true families in the deepest meaning of the word.  Others won’t be with impacts to the child from mild right through to those cases where the child suffers extreme levels of abuse.  These are the ones I am concerned about - somewhat similar in results for the child that can be found in parents who haven’t dealt with their own pain and grief resulting from infertility, who instead rush into adoption for a replacement child that can never live up to the ghost child the parents would have created.  Different but same.

 

Adoption history and the lasting impact of not doing it right…

By TAO

I know – two posts in one day.  I over-did it yesterday and have done my best not to go lay-down and sleep because that will mess up my sleep tonight.  This morning I followed a link from twitter and ended up reading the first link.  I don’t know who provided the link, but reading it made me incredibly sad – not just the lies, but the mis-information that made it so much harder for Michael.  It’s from 1999 and long to be published in the NY Times – about the era when I was adopted.

What the Jumans Didn’t Know About Michael

There are a baseball and a bat etched onto Michael Juman’s headstone. ”Cherished son and brother,” the epitaph reads, ”Jan. 5, 1965 to Mar. 11, 1994.” Michael’s father, Martin Juman, braces against a brisk wind as he walks through the Wellwood Cemetery on Long Island to visit his son. ”He’s waiting for answers,” Martin says, looking at the grave. ”We promised him we’d find them.”

[...]

Michael’s search, however, did not lead him to the woman herself, but rather to the stark realization that little he had been told about her was completely true. His birth mother was a lobotomized schizophrenic. His birth father was also a mental patient, whom she had met during one of her many years within a state institution. Agency workers knew this when they placed Michael with the Jumans, and they also knew it when his psychiatrist called years later and asked for his medical history, but they never shared that information.

You need to read the entire story, and they weren’t the only family, the way the agency handled this was wrong.

Switching topics but the same agency - separating twins to study nature vs nurture – never telling the parents, or the children, what the real study was about, or that the children had identical siblings.  Perhaps the most famous twins from the study are Paula Bernstein and Elyse Schein who wrote Identical Strangers.  NPR interview and article on it including a bit about Neubauer who did the study.

Identical Strangers’ Explore Nature Vs. Nurture

Neubauer has rarely spoken about the study. But in the mid-1990s, he did talk about it with Wright, the author of Twins.

“[Neubauer] insisted that at the time, it was a matter of scientific consensus that twins were better off separated at birth and raised separately,” Wright says. “I never found anything in the literature to support that.”

The author also says Neubauer was “unapologetic” about the study, even though he admits that the project raised ethical question about whether one has a right to or should separate identical twins.

Today, I also found the story of identical triplets adopted through Louise Wise Services that were part of the same study written back in 1997.  I find it so unbelievable that anyone would even consider separating twins, or triplets, to study.  New York took action in 1981, and made it hard to separate siblings but I know it still does happen in other states but I hope no one does it unless there is no other option.

The story ends with this quote from Neubauer…

Secret Times 3

Today, nearly 40 years after the study began, Neubauer would discuss it only generally.

“the study begThe whole field is interested in this,” Neubauer said in a recent telephone interview. “We studied the children from infancy forward.”

Explaining why he has not published much of the research, Neubauer said he is concerned that some of the children involved in the study would react negatively to publication of the information.

“I’m not going to be a participant in your sniffing around and in things I want to protect,” said Neubauer, who directed the Child Development Center of the Jewish Board of Guardians, which operated social welfare agencies, when an.

“We want to protect our data, and we want to protect the people we have studied.”

The results of that study have been locked away until 2066, apparently at Yale University according to the NPR article…they did that because they figured public perception of the study wouldn’t be favorable - I certainly would hope people wouldn’t view it in a favorable light.

Louise Wise Services closed it’s doors in 2004 and Spence-Chapin has taken on the responsibility of maintaining the adoption records, and providing non-id to adoptees who ask for it – including medical information.

Home Found For Louise Wise Records 

The decision between the defunct Louise Wise Services and Spence-Chapin means that thousands of people whose lives were affected by adoptions will continue to have limited access to birth records and other material that might aid them with reunion efforts or health crises.

I wish I could say that things like this only happened during my era but I can’t.  Every era has its dark side, things we may find out now, others that will come to light in the future.  Adoption has to be done right and I can’t stress that enough.  Until then – like I said in my last post – I have a hard time trusting when it comes to adoption.