Medical history can indeed be full of gaps, also complicated by older medical terminology for disease names – but you can get a sense of what lays in your family health history simply by the age and cause of death for each person – which when you are family and know the names you can obtain by simply ordering the death certificate. Those simple avenues are not available to the adoptee in a closed adoption. For myself I had a full detailed family health history waiting for me and that is amazing but to me not unexpected because I am a detail and fact person and I’m pretty sure that is a hereditary trait – so at least some in my family would share that trait. The medical history that was most valuable and would have directly impacted medical decisions – happened after I was born and adopted out. Think about that for a moment because if I had grown up in my birth family I would have known about the deaths of such very close relatives to myself, and what they died from and the age when they died.

In real life there are very messy situations – completely agree – but regardless whether you name the parent or not for whatever reason there is never an excuse to pretend a parent is a biological parent – if there is a safety risk then you can decide if you have to wait to disclose until they reach adulthood I guess so little ones don’t spill the beans. You can also just note that there is a very strong FHH of _____ in the family to warn your doctor or – better than nothing.

Back the topic: “I would hope that for the most part, folks simply misuse the language of “a calling” and really mean they want to be parents.” I hope so too, and tried to say that in the paragraph – it’s those that don’t that cause me the concern because if you don’t want to be a parent deep down – just concerns me. That to me is where the rallying cry from a church ministry can cause harm to those who they initially want to help – and I am passionate about adoptees even though my story is vastly different than their story of abuse or unethical adoptions – their stories didn’t have to turn out that way.

I wrote a post that you might enjoy on the Biblical side – one of the parables in the Bible that doesn’t get the play that it deserves because it doesn’t fit with the adoption meme – yet it should and you have to read the entire story to hear the ending because it takes it full circle. I tried to talk nicely in the post but only the reader can assess the results. By the way I appreciated that you used both verses in James…

https://theadoptedones.wordpress.com/2013/01/31/choosing-to-ignore-part-of-the-verse-or-message/

I recognise that my posts tend to be on the negative side of things but I would guess there are about a thousand fluffy blogs to counter the dark side no one seems willing to delve into to, make it better, do better. I don’t see any impetus by the “adoption industry” to do that, or at least they are not publicly admitting to the wrongs in the past to show they have changed. When Dan Rather did a show on my era (baby scoop era) only one of the old agencies accepted that mistakes had been made in how they treated mothers. That saddened me when I turn around and see Australia apologise for the same mistakes made, Ireland starting to, Canada investigating – you have to acknowledge the wrongs done to so many tens of thousands of mothers. When you hear about what the problems are in international adoption – you hear the message “Stuck” provides – no one owns up to the fact that corruption and a deeply flawed system that allowed a country to get so bad that the only option was to close it to adoption. Truth heals. Truth empowers change. I was listening to a Ted talk yesterday from a coach/teacher who started teaching back in the early 1930′s I think (?). One line fits: Without change there is no progress.

About mothers wanting anonymity – I think there is of course those who want to keep the pregnancy a secret from their current day life – but can you honestly believe that twenty or thirty years later they would object to their child having the right to their original birth certificate? I can’t. Even if the adoptee wanted to search after receiving it – it’s done discreetly and with great forethought and intentions. And at the end of the search if the mother does not want a relationship – of course the adoptee will feel bad but no one can force another to have a relationship – there are laws in place to deal with that if it comes to that and I think that would be extremely rare (far rarer than unethical adoptions happen) Completely different contexts…

The blog theme – this is one of the few wordpress themes that allows you to have a blog roll on a separate page – most only offer it as a widget on your front page. But it is easy to work with.

Now I need more coffee!

When I fill out family medical history – it’s kind of incomplete because my grandparents are long gone, maybe some facts weren’t passed down and others, I’ve forgotten or didn’t pay attention to begin with. Sometimes, medical histories were kept “secret” because diseases, like Tuberculosis, were so shameful that even close family members might not have been told the truth. My husband saw that in his family. I know “just enough” of my family medical history to “get me by”.

To make matters stickier – there are those who intentionally keep information about one parent or another from a child because of the physical risk they think is involved (some think it’s a risk and for others, it’s real). In that case, the child believes they are the son/daughter of someone but they are not. (Messy issues!) They would give their presumed parent’s medical history and that would be misleading. Discretion is a risky thing .. or perhaps it’s not always quality/godly discretion?

I have a blended family of my husband, his son and myself. When we first got married, my step son was 13 years old. I met him when he was 12. I read about blended families once and thought there was something “magical” about being blended. It’s hard work. Being a family or origin is hard work. Parenting is in itself hard work. Adoption is blending families whether we realize it or not and overcoming things that come with the child that perhaps no one knows why because there is no understanding of the birth family sometimes. That would be quite a job. I felt very strongly about not passing my family junk onto my step son. As strongly as I felt about it … it’s a tough job to take on! And what got through? Who knows. Oh goodness, the rubbish that works its way out of our lives is amazing. I couldn’t do that w/o the LORD. (Though I’ve tried.)

I had a friend once whose mother had 5 or 6 kids, only two had the same father. I know of someone who only wanted to be pregnant (at a very early age) and she has built a very similar situation to my own friend’s (mother’s) situation. There are so many variables in these family equations, aren’t there? In my situation, it just shows me more and more how faithful Jehovah God is … and how unruly mankind (or, I) can be.

My last thought on this is that I can’t rule out those who might start with the wrong or slightly misplaced attitudes and then change – because isn’t that what happens to people as they parent? Okay, not everyone takes that on, I know. Anyway, when you do, you see where “you” need to grow up and change. And then there are those who tarnish the “calling” some truly feel. I would hope that for the most part, folks simply misuse the language of “a calling” and really mean they want to be parents. But – given a few people I’ve seen in some television spots …. I would have to wonder for they sure seem to be “all about me”.

Shining a light on the subject – asking folks to think it through for real before adopting, looking for ways to secure birth records … very powerful tools. An intense subject that truly needs some light on it.

Oh, I thought I was finished? I can’t help but think of these two verses:

From James 1:26-27 (NIV) “Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

Accompanied with one of the Old Testament instructions to the Israelites about widows, orphans and aliens (non-residents): “But you shall remember that you were a slave in Egypt, and that the Lord your God redeemed you from there; therefore I am commanding you to do this thing. “When you reap your harvest in your field and have forgotten a sheaf in the field, you shall not go back to get it; it shall be for the alien, for the orphan, and for the widow, in order that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands. When you beat your olive tree, you shall not go over the boughs again; it shall be for the alien, for the orphan, and for the widow.”

There are many ways of looking after and providing for others – adoption is just one. I’m glad there are indeed folks who adopt for all the right reasons. I knew of one little boy years ago who was very proud to be adopted and his parents were wonderful. Good stories, like Lisha’s, are out there! But, from what I’ve read here on your blog, there is a need to shed some light on some much needed changes. Tough subject, for some might not have gone full term on pregnancy without that right to privacy and … well … it’s all a tough personal, spiritual, moral, legal and political situation, isn’t it? With any number of abusers and abuses to go with it, unfortunately.

I hope sharing my thoughts lends some (good) reasoning that might be helpful. If only we’d all do right, right? But – we (for the most part) do our best instead .. still making a mess of things, I know.

On the (very) much lighter side of things – I sure like your blog Theme. I’m always switching out themes. I may put this on my faith blog. Looks neat.

Thanks, Jenn
PS – for those who support such organizations, here’s one website I know of, which might have insight to that organization’s use of donations: http://www.charitynavigator.org/