Day 11 and on with Part 3 of “Isn’t Life Interesting” – Part 1 here, Part 2 here. For adoptees, searching, or not searching, is such a personal choice. I think, so many times, even when we have educated ourselves on the possible issues, and think we are prepared for whatever comes; we find out that there was no possible way to prepare for reunion, or finding our first families. For many of us, searching, and reunion catches us completely off guard. No matter how grounded, and ready we think we are, searching, and reunion, can knock us off our feet in ways unimaginable. The grief we feel, even if we don’t know that is what it is, at times, is so completely overwhelming, it can terrify us. As I’ve been writing these posts, and rereading this story I wrote so long ago, I was a bit amazed when it dawned on me, just how well the five stages of grief are portrayed in this one story. The denial, the anger, which you are about to read, the bargaining, the depression, and well, I’ll save the last one for the end, are all here if you look. Now, let’s get on with the story.
“As I watched this unfold, I continued to deal with my own issues with my adoption and reunion. It still amazes me as to the naïvety of people on the subject of adoption and reunion. Shouldn’t we all be happy? Adoptive parents should be happy. They now have a child. No one stops to think that they might feel the loss of not having a child of their own. They don’t think about the invasion of privacy the adoptive couple went through to ensure that they were suitable parents. They don’t think about the weeks, months, and years that went by with no phone call from the agency. They don’t think of the disappointment when a birth mother changes her mind. They don’t think about the silly things that are said to adoptive parents and adoptees in reference to adoption. No need to list any, we’ve all heard them. What about adoptive parents when adoptees want to find biological parents? More issues to deal with.
The adoptee should be happy. They have a loving family to provide their needs. They never stop to think that not all adoptees are adopted by “loving” families. Agencies screen parents. How could you be adopted into an abusive home? Trust me. It happens more frequently than you think. Even if that isn’t the case, and an adoptee has a great adopted family, there are still issues to deal with. Read this forum and you will see the many, many issues. Whether adoptees feel the need to search for biological family or not, there is something about being adopted that makes us just a tiny bit different from normal. That’s not a bad thing. It is just a fact. If you aren’t questioning something about adoption, why are you reading this?
Biological parents should be happy. They made the decision to relinquish out of love for their child. They wanted their child to have things they couldn’t give them. I could go on. It was best for the child. People think a bio parent is supposed to be happy about that? Just go on with their life like it was nothing? It just amazes me to think that people really believe that separating a mother or father and their child is something that they are supposed to “just forget about”. I’ve raised horses and cows. Did you know that horses and cows mourn the loss of their babies at weaning time? They do, and their calves and foals also mourn the loss of their mothers at weaning time. Listening to them cry for each other at weaning time breaks my heart. I can’t stand it! For any human to think another human could “just forget and go on with their life”, well, it really makes me angry.
Then there are reunions. Aren’t we all so happy when we reunite? If that were the case, why do we need this forum? Oh, the issues reunion brings out.”
Shouldn’t we all be happy? What a question, and why aren’t we? What a price to pay so that everyone in the triad can be happy. Knowing that there still so many people who just don’t get it, telling infertile couples to “just adopt”, and telling adoptees, “just be grateful”, and first parents, “just make an adoption plan”, and oh, doesn’t that just solve all of our problems? Even after all these years, it still makes me so angry at the lack of compassion, the denial of society to the reality of adoption. Whew! I think that’s enough for today. I can feel my blood pressure rising now. See you tomorrow with part 4, and the conclusion.