I hesitate to write this post because it gets more personal than I prefer, because at heart I am pretty private about my deepest emotions. Yesterday, a tweet from the NCFA @adoptioncouncil triggered me. The tweet was about the #Hopechallenge and linked to a video which I watched about the benefits of adoption for mothers and how they succeed with schooling and life. This post is what I thought laying in bed last night not able to sleep and still with me this morning.
Most of you know I had/have really good parents and I can’t imagine any better. I have so many wonderful warm memories of my life growing up but nothing they did, or could have done, could have prevented the following.
The memories of going to my secret place over and over again throughout my childhood and teen years. I would sit there on the floor with my back against the wall, my knees up against my chest, and my head down, resting on my knees. I would sit there sobbing silently, tears streaming, hurting, grieving, wanting my family, my mother. To know why I wasn’t good enough to be with them. To know why they didn’t care. Those memories haunt me all these years later.
It didn’t matter that I understood why I had been surrendered and adopted. Words would not have helped. I never told mom or dad when I was sad, or that I had a secret place I would go to. They had nothing to do with why I was sad, and they could not have made it better because they weren’t what I needed. Mom and dad never saw me sad – I would return from my secret place and be the happy, shy, smart child they loved, and knew me to be.
Years later, after my son died, I felt the same deep wrenching grief. Grief that no words can make a difference for. Grief that you just have to live through. Grief that a mother feels when she loses her child. Something broke inside of me that day, and the years that followed hardly made a dent in my grief, but I continued on. I put on the brave face to those around me and was the happy, yet shy, person everyone knew me to be, and expected me to be.
Losing my son was my awakening to the full reality of the loss I was for my mother. Something broke inside of her that day that changed her according to those closest to her. Like me, she continued on but never was the same as before.
The tweet that triggered me:
NCFA
@AdoptionCouncil What if she could choose adoption?
http://bit.ly/O7QFmp
#adoption#hopechallenge
Why are they fundraising to create more birth mothers? Why aren’t they fundraising to give hope for the future to those who are pregnant and scared and need a hand up? Why aren’t they fundraising to give these new vulnerable mothers a chance to get an education and provide their child with a good life?
Why is adoption the solution?
Why aren’t they fundraising to keep families together?
eagoodlife
August 10, 2012 at 3:43 pm
I’m so sorry.Somehow the better your childhood and parents the more the contrast so the harder the tears fall.Grief over a child is altogether harder.I’ve been there too.I’m so sorry and see how you’ve been triggered.Unbelievable aren’t they?
TAO
August 10, 2012 at 7:42 pm
Von – I never thought of that but perhaps you are right – the contrast is very wide. Thanks for the kind thoughts – we all need them somedays and I have neglected to leave you mind lately, and for that I am sorry.
Dannie
August 10, 2012 at 6:44 pm
I hesitate to comment because my thoughts sound really harsh out loud, however my mom and I had a conversation the other day about how worldwide children are the most neglected humans….meaning worth less and not spoken for. Saying how adoption can help a mother complete education to me is akin to saying, you are more important, forget the child (they will only get in your way). What is the worst part? Many Christian agencies that pride themselves in looking out for children are the ones conveying this message which is still putting a child as < than, an obstacle…. Idk, that's just what comes to my mind. I agree, let's keep families together as much as possible. My apologies for this brash comment
TAO
August 10, 2012 at 7:40 pm
Dannie – I doubt you could ever make a brash comment – unlike me – regardless – I know you and the individual you are. Obsticle is a good term. Moms are pretty wise aren’t they?
iadoptee
August 11, 2012 at 12:31 am
This post totally touched my heart. I had a “secret place” when I was a child as well. I would cry and wonder what was so wrong with me that made my first parents gave me away. Nobody knew that I felt this way. My adoptive parents were abusive (yeah, I also wondered why they hated me so much) so I learned to keep it all inside.
It does help knowing that a fellow adoptee was in a more positive adoptive situation and felt the same things as me. Perhaps it wasn’t all simply because I am one of the ones who “had a bad experience.” Perhaps it was because, well, we were adopted and this creates confusion, grief and sadness that are totally normal feelings under the circumstances.
It bothers me so much that our younger counterparts might also be trapped in that secret place. I want them to know that they are most definitely not alone. Great post. Thanks for getting a little personal.
TAO
August 11, 2012 at 1:13 am
Thanks iAdoptee – kind of comforting knowing I am not the only one. It is adoption – does not matter if it is good or bad the loss still exists. It’s hard.
Thanks for not making me feel so alone – hugs.
barbaloot
August 11, 2012 at 7:42 am
Thank you for spelling this out so articulately. I see this grief in my son, and it has been there since infancy, since he lost his mother. It nearly killed him (failure to thrive). I appreciate the reminder that it is separate from his relationship with me and I can’t fix it. (Although we APs can do a lot to promote healing. I hope.)
TAO
August 11, 2012 at 1:17 pm
I agree that you can do a lot to help – but only if your child allows you to see it. I didn’t allow mom and dad to see it – that’s who I have always been and continue to be. Yet growing up then we had a lot more freedom away from our parents so I could go and be alone. I was thinking about that aspect last night – mom and dad were super busy – always available – but not focused on having us by their side at all times, or know where we were in the house or yard. Now days it seems so much more like helicopter parenting even for those that don’t think they do that – compared to the days you didn’t worry about strangers, and never locked the doors except when you went to bed or no one was home.
I resist saying “healing” because I don’t think you ever really heal as in never feel the pain again – you learn to live with it, and find a place for it it to live inside so it isn’t part of your daily consciousness.
barbaloot
August 11, 2012 at 3:00 pm
I suppose the positive thing about my son feeling his pain so intensely while he is so young is that he can’t hide it very well. And I’ve learned that if he is upset, those issues of loss are at the root of it 99% of the time. Fear of losing me. Fear of feeling anger at his first mother. Fear he is “bad” – a word never used in relation to people ’round here.
I agree about the loss always being part of you. Grief of any sort is like that. I still feel the pain of losing friends who have died, so it only makes sense that a more primal loss would always be there. I suppose by healing I mean learning to … hmmm. No words seem quite right. Not quite manage it. Not quite cope. But to accept it and develop a strong, healthy sense of self esteem at the same time. But my mama bear instinct is still to want to just fix it, make it go away because it is hurting him.
TAO
August 12, 2012 at 2:16 pm
I know you want to fix it but that’s the thing – all you can do is stand beside with understanding – not with expectations all is better now. I think you “get it”…
sundayk
August 12, 2012 at 12:20 am
(((HUGS))) TAO.
You know I just can’t imagine giving away my kids so I could go to school or anything else…nothing! It breaks my heart every time I read things like this, that are supposed to be from those who claim they are looking out for the best interest of children and “helping” those facing unexpected pregnancies.
Your baby for an education sounds like a deal with the devil to me.
Seriously, sickening how little children matter…to anyone.
TAO
August 12, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Sunday – I don’t see how anyone dreamed up this idea of a Hope Challenge to separate mother and child, and then also claims to read the Bible. To me it makes no sense. Watching the video I see pictures of everyday women and then a cherry pick of statistics that show they succeed in life…which circles around to the fact that with a hand up they would have succeeded in life as a mother as well…
I don’t understand either…
Carlynne
August 15, 2012 at 11:15 am
Thank you for getting personal with this post. I think more adoptees and mothers need to get personal in order for others to even begin to grasp what we’re talking about. Like so many other things, if you haven’t lived it you don’t truly understand but when the impact is articulated so well and is so touching, it can make a difference. I hope someday that everyone will look back on the NCFA and the Hope Challenge and shake their heads in disgust.
TAO
August 16, 2012 at 4:54 pm
Carlynne – I am so sorry – your comment went to into the spam folder and I just found it. Your comments should post automatically now. Thanks for reading and I hope you are right.
Cassi
August 15, 2012 at 4:35 pm
You know, as someone who has been through the disgusting counseling offered to pregnant mothers, it really is a terrible mind game they play.
Yes, the definitely do try to sell the fact that you can give up your baby and then go on to reach all your goals of college and career. Just hand your baby over and then your life can go on as usual.
But in order to get a pregnant mother to give in to such a way of thinking, they add in the attacks to her own self esteem/self worth. You don’t have anything now to offer your child. It’s selfish to keep your baby when you have nothing to offer. Your life ends here. There is no chance of college or career if you keep your baby so you will never progress to be able to offer your child anything in the future either. BUT, if you give away your baby you can do all those things to make yourself worthy of keeping a child in the future. Just sacrifice this child so you can be better for you next child.
It’s terrible!
TAO
August 15, 2012 at 4:53 pm
I so agree with you…
But how do we get prospective adoptive parents to see the chasm of difference between mothers who need a hand up temporarily and those mothers who really don’t want to parent (which I do believe there are)?
The industry has blurred the lines so well in their media sound bytes and endless blather combined with most coming to adoption as the only way to become parents and want to believe the “experts”, that it just seems like a losing battle. There just has to be a way to get them to realize that “most” would do anything to keep their child.
Makes me sad and mad and downright angry.
Thanks for talking…