I have thought about the “choice” aspect of choosing adoption many times over the years, and wondered about how the current generation of adoptees will feel now or when they grow up. Specifically, about the choice to make an adoption plan, choosing adoption over parenting.
Of course there will be many mothers who didn’t really have a choice. Whether they were coerced by family, or the counselling, or both, or even just complete utter lack of resources. I do believe the lack of resources for mothers in the US vs say Canada shows why mothers may feel they have no choice in the US. In Canada, if you are employed you get a combination of a years maternity leave through unemployment insurance, and you have a job to go back to. Plus many other benefits including a baby bonus (not sure of the correct term), and depending on the province, day-care subsidy. You also have health insurance at little to no cost - depending on the province you live in.
But specifically, those who had choices and yet chose not to parent. Those who could have tried and chose not too. How is that decision going to affect the feelings of worthiness, rejection, abandonment that are real risk factors for adoptees.
I ask this because even though I knew realistically my mother did not have a choice – I still felt rejected, not good enough, that something was flawed in me others could see but I couldn’t. Knowing my mother did not have a choice kept me from being angry at her, or blaming her, despite the feelings I had.
What do you think?
Will it be better or worse if the parents had a real choice to parent?
Will open adoption be enough to overcome that risk for feelings of low self-esteem, rejection, something wrong with me feelings?
If it will be enough, what happens if the adoption closes – either by the mother or father who made the choice, or by the parents who adopted?
I did not write this post to make anyone feel bad – this is about how the adoptee may feel and something I think needs discussing…