LavernderLuz and other parents in open adoption were talking on twitter about the Ask the Experts segment on The Today Show that was weighing in on closed vs open adoption so I went and found the video (starts at 2:15) and listened to the “experts”…
***(tried hard to do a word for word but watch the video to ensure my transcription is correct because it was hard to capture from the video)
The Question: “When it comes to adoption do you find open vs closed – is there a benefit of one way over another.”
Starr Jones…said this…
*** I can tell you that I have been considering adopting and I know that I would want a closed adoption. I do not want to have the continuous interaction with the birth parents.
Dr. Nancy Syderman…said this…
*** My eldest is adopted the biologic mother does not know my identity. I have preferred it that way over 26 years. My daughter has sought out her birth mother. I’ve told her she absolutely has my blessing but I warned her it is pandoras box – you never know what that’s going to be.
Donny Deutsch…said this…
*** As a man who might adopt someday even as a single dad..it sounds crazy and I wouldn’t want to have to manage that. I would want it closed. As a parent you want to keep – control that’s not the right word – keep structure in a kids life as much as possible and that kind of opens up the doors too much…
The host of the segment then talked about how all three of them think closed adoption is best - and then because the last “expert” noted her daughter was/had (?) searched they all chimed in about searching as adults, with Donny saying something about 21 as the earliest age (forgetting you can go to war and die for your country at 18, but apparently you would be too young to meet your mother), then Starr saying something about giving her child all the documents as an adult, and then Dr. Syderman noted with her daughter ”she waited for her to come to me” which is very typical of parents from that era – wait for the child to have to ask about adoption because you know the parents are so comfortable with that topic and best not for the older adult in the room to open the conversation…
Oh where to begin with this…
1. Two people who have “thought” about adopting and one who adopted back in the 80′s in a closed adoption (pretty much the only option) were asked this question. No parent in an open adoption, no professional actively involved in researching, studying, or working in adoption, no adult adoptee…just three that really should have recused themselves, who chose instead to provide their uneducated answers as the “experts”…yet no expert qualifications were stated on the show that I heard…
2. Adoption is supposed to be in the best interests of the child…finding a home for the child – not finding a child for the home. Not one comment was centered on what is best for the child who has been adopted. Not one comment on how adoption impacts the child, self esteem, identity issues, feelings of rejection, abandonment, anxiety issues…how openness can assist in all these areas.
3. All I heard from them was what would be easiest and best for ME…although at the end they did all agree that it was the adult adoptees right to search, but of course two included conditions on that as well.
What on earth is the questioner asking such an important life altering, deeply important question to TV celebrities? Is that really the best source for information?
Do people actually take this advice seriously? Just seems to incredible wrong on so many levels.
EDIT 9 June 12: Out of the mouths of experts, out of the mouths of babes from “Write Mind Open Heart” says it better than I did…
