With the movie “October Baby” bringing up the stupid topic of adoptees being saved from abortion I just had to weigh in.
The thought never crossed my mind that my mother was going to abort me. Never once did I think it was a possibility. I was taught mothers made a choice of a) aborting; or b) carry to term; and then they chose parenting or adoption (based on your marital status during my era).
I have seen many comments by adult adoptees my age and younger that wish to thank their mother for not aborting them. Each time I cringe and ask myself why would you say that? Who put that thought into their head by connecting abortion and adoption, “as if” all mothers who surrendered their baby for adoption first opted for abortion but something happened and they chose adoption instead. And if it was their parents – shame on them. They passed on a stereotype that has no basis in reality. They put that in their child’s head for what reason exactly? So the adoptee could be grateful for being adopted, and hate on the mother who gave them up because she was going to abort before she “chose” adoption?
If any [adoptive] parents reading this says well I would never say that, I would ask you if you say “I’m so glad your “birth” mom chose life”. Because if you said that, in my opinion, you have just told your child there was a good chance they could have been aborted. If you don’t agree with me how many other children (non-adopted) have you said that too? How many friends have you said that too? None right? Because deep inside you think that a mother who does not / cannot keep her child automatically made the choice of abortion and something happened to make her choose adoption – all without knowing if she would have even considered abortion to be one of her options in the first place. You stereotyped the mother based on the fact she chose adoption for her child.
People reading this may be saying what proof do I have to be so adamant on this? My proof is the words from my dad. The man who has witnessed more pregnancies than most, and who you had to see to confirm you were pregnant way back when the rabbit had to die. Specifically the unmarried girls (and young adult women) brought in by their mothers and if the test was positive some asked the question about where they could get an abortion for their daughter which he couldn’t/wouldn’t answer and they would leave. The outcome was one of two scenario’s – pre Roe vs Wade, dad would see some of them back in to patch up or deal with infections after the “back alley” abortion, the other girls the mothers did not ask about abortions would go away to “care for” a sick relative and come back sans baby. Post Roe vs Wade he didn’t have to deal with taking care of some them after an abortion because it was now a safe legal procedure. The choice boiled down to a personal choice of Either/Or – not was going too then didn’t.
I am sure the process has changed now that you don’t have to go to the doctor to find out if you are pregnant, but I doubt things have changed much as to the choice options. A decision (choice) will be made to either get an abortion or carry to term. One or the other. Of course some will have families will pressure them. Some will reach out to CPC’s and have Adoption agencies “guide them” into making the “right” choice of carrying to term and then choosing adoption (which doesn’t always mean it was right for them). Some will have Church members pressure them. Some may change their mind in either direction. Some will stand fast in their original choice. But stop saying adoptees were saved from being aborted simply because we are adoptees. If our mothers were going to abort us – we would not be here. It can’t be any simpler than that.
Why did anyone think making this movie was a good idea? Why? So we have yet another generation of adoptees burdened by this archaic false notion put into their heads by those sanctimonious parents who believe this fallacy? That another generation of adoptees will have that comment thrown at them if they dare to say there is any downside to adoption? That comment that can be so very damaging to their self-esteem, feelings of worth, feelings of identity, make them feel like they need to be perfect and better than everyone else, feelings of being rejected and not good enough. Just think how you would feel in the adoptees shoes being given that message from the time they were little till they are in their senior years. Believe me it gets old hearing it thrown out to adoptees who dare challenge how adoption is practiced. I cannot imagine having to grow up hearing it.
Getting off my soap box now but this subject just triggers me…
Tiffany A. Robbins
March 29, 2012 at 10:44 pm
Beautifully put.
eagoodlifeVon
March 29, 2012 at 11:54 pm
Absolutely agree and reposting if I may!!
eagoodlife
March 29, 2012 at 11:58 pm
Reblogged this on The Life Of Von and commented:
“I have seen many comments by adult adoptees my age and younger that wish to thank their mother for not aborting them. Each time I cringe and ask myself why would you say that? Who put that thought into their head by connecting abortion and adoption, “as if” all mothers who surrendered their baby for adoption first opted for abortion but something happened and they chose adoption instead. And if it was their parents – shame on them. They passed on a stereotype that has no basis in reality”
jimm
March 30, 2012 at 12:17 am
Why did anyone think making this movie was a good idea? I think your first guess is correct. And I wouldn’t be surprised if they got some kind of an “arts” endowment from the NCFA to help fund it.
c
March 30, 2012 at 1:17 pm
Great post, AO.
I know my uncles would have been insulted if I’d ever said “I would love to have thanked your sister for not aborting me”. It makes it sound as if I’m saying that I would love to have thanked her for getting rid of me by giving me away rather than killing me.
Melynda
March 30, 2012 at 3:48 pm
“But stop saying adoptees were saved from being aborted simply because we are adoptees. If our mothers were going to abort us – we would not be here. It can’t be any simpler than that.”
Yes, this.
Thank you for this insightful post.
Pami Woods
April 18, 2012 at 9:41 am
Well I was adopted I know my bio family. My mom was 15 and she was date raped. She was offered an abortion by her Aunt Verlin. She said no. My dad was 18 and had married by April I was born in June. I can’t imagine if my mom would have had to marry someone who date raped her. She really wanted to keep me. She was forced to give up me. No one believed her story. She was always treated badly after she had to give me away. She never was allowed to look for me. I started looking for her when I was 13. My adopted parents were not happy. I never felt whole my whole life. I felt like half a person. She finally was allowed to look when my grandfather had heart surgery. I guess he started to feel bad. He gave away part of his family. He was afraid he would die and wanted to make things right. She finally found me at the age of 31. I could have been so easily sucked into a tube and discarded. I Thank her for being a strong 15 year old and saying no. She could have had it all over with. Instead she went through all the pain and torment knowing she was not allowed to keep me. We both suffered for years. Now we are very close and talk to each other every day. My father became a different person and I have a relationship with him. He has taken responsibly for being me here. I am very lucky my parents are able to speak to each other out of love for me. They forgive the past and live in now. They have healed a lot of hurt in me as an adopted child who didn’t have a good childhood. Not all adoptions are good. There were lots of times I had wished I was aborted growing up. Now I am so glad I was not. Like the ugly duckling I was a swan I just didn;t know it. The adopted parents wanted me back when the real one came. So now we all are happy. Strange world we live in.
Ally
July 7, 2012 at 7:31 am
October Baby is a true story worth telling, there are many other movies being made with little to no decent message to share. You are right saying that one cannot assume all adopted children’s mums would have considered abortion, but you are wrong if you think it would not have been offered somewhere along the line, and maybe naive in thinking that a women faced with an unexpected pregnancy and no one to support her would know from day one what she wants to do.. in fact, there are many women sharing their stories post abortion about the heartache of their decision, as well as stories from those who chose adoption. In fact research show for many its not an actual choice – recent research showed that more then 64% of women who had abortions said they were coerced into it. I hope that more people will watch October Baby to hear the message that “every life is beautiful” , and I think we should all thank our mum’s for giving birth to us, whether we were adopted or not..
TAO
July 7, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Ally – you are entitled to your opinion but I believe you missed the point of the post – my era based on my knowledge from my dad’s words of what he lived as a doctor pre Roe vs Wade. Not a pleasant picture at all – those doctors are gone now and their experiences of caring for women after a back alley abortion along with them. And if you have taken the time to read more than one post on this blog, you know I hold my dad as the most ethical and honest man I have ever had the priviledge to know.
Yes, I know the movie is based on a true story.
If you are not an adoptee please advise how many times you have been told since you were a child that you should be thankful your mom did not choose abortion…that is the point when people hold those stereotypes that women who surrendered their babies for adoption first considered abortion.
If you think only women who “chose” abortions were coerced you obviously haven’t researched much on the adoption side…