Ted Talk – Author of “Origins”

Annie Murphy Paul investigates how life in the womb shapes who we become.

“Why you should listen to her:

To what extent the conditions we encounter before birth influence our individual characteristics? It‘s the question at the center of fetal origins, a relatively new field of research that measures how the effects of influences outside the womb during pregnancy can shape the physical, mental and even emotional well-being of the developing baby for the rest of its life.

Science writer Annie Murphy Paul calls it a gray zone between nature and nurture in her book Origins, a history and study of this emerging field structured around a personal narrative — Paul was pregnant with her second child at the time. What she finds suggests a far more dynamic nature between mother and fetus than typically acknowledged, and opens up the possibility that the time before birth is as crucial to human development as early childhood.”

 

The Wait: Part 2 – The End Of Innocence

Continuing my story from the post “The Wait: Part 1 – A Child’s Story“

Shadow

With weeks turning into months without a response from E, or word from Carol, my anxiety was turning into a slow simmering anger. Confused by the strange feelings inside, not knowing what they were, why I was feeling them, and not liking the feelings at all, I had to find someway to deal with these new feelings. I needed to make some kind of sense out of them.

Believing in the pretty story, from the little book, thinking E didn’t love me wasn’t an option. All mothers love their babies, care about their babies, even animals. Thinking she had changed her mind, or wasn’t going to answer wasn’t an option, either. After all, E had agreed to the contact. Thinking along those lines was inconceivable to me, and I never went there on any conscious level. She wouldn’t change her mind. She just couldn’t. She was my mother, and no mother would do such a thing.

Understanding that this might be difficult for her wasn’t, exactly, an option either. She had agreed to contact. At least to my way of thinking, she must have wanted to communicate, so what was the problem? What was taking so long? It was all so confusing, and frustration was becoming the name of the game. With no internet to turn to for help, no access to other birth mothers, who could explain what E might be thinking, I had no way of understanding anything about this. I had no way of knowing my feelings were perfectly normal in such a situation. I did what, perhaps, most people would do to avoid the uncomfortable feelings. Rationalization to the rescue!

She was a single mom. She must be really busy trying to raise two kids. She just hadn’t had time. I was being impatient. I should just give it more time. Yes, that was it, just give it more time. She would write back. Thinking anything else would mean something I didn’t want to think about, acknowledge, or even consider.

With all that time on my hands, I began thinking, more and more, about E, trying to understand what might be the reason behind her lack of response. That slow simmering anger was changing into something else; a new feeling. I didn’t have a word for it at the time. Even if I had, I’m not sure I would have admitted it. I had never thought of the actual act of my relinquishment before; never considered it to mean anything more than, E, as an unwed, mother, just wasn’t allowed to keep me. I had never, consciously, thought of it in a personal way. Maybe doing so was too sad? Maybe it even hurt too much, so I just didn’t? Maybe I did and just didn’t know it? Maybe I just never wanted to think of it at all, so I blocked it out? Maybe it was the pretty story that stopped those types of thoughts? I really don’t know, but I was beginning to put two and two together now. I was beginning to feel it, and I still wouldn’t recognize the word for the feeling: rejected.

With anger unable to protect me from this new feeling, and getting no comfort from the numerous excuses, and reasons, I gave myself for the delayed response to my first letter, I suppose it was only natural that my mind would eventually find its way to contemplating what it must have been like for E to be pregnant, and unmarried.  Being just slightly older than she was at the time of my birth, I guess, trying to find some rational way to understand my own feelings, and get some kind of control over them, it was only natural to put myself in her shoes? It could happen to me, so who was I to judge E? What would I do, if I had been in her shoes?

Contemplating that one question seemed to be the only salvation from all my mixed up and uncomfortable feelings, at least temporarily. I gave it considerable thought, going over every option in my mind. Thinking about how my own family would have reacted to such a thing, I could only imagine how hard it must have been for her. Still, would I have given up my own child? What about abortion? Abortion would have been illegal back then, but still a possibility for her. If it were me, would I have an abortion? Would I even consider it? Still, she could have kept me. It wouldn’t be easy, I’m sure. Still, being a single mother wasn’t an impossible task. No matter how much I tried to understand, find a concrete answer, I couldn’t escape the thought, “She could have kept me, if she had really, really wanted.” Couldn’t she?

What would I have done if I in her shoes? They were questions I just couldn’t find answers for. I just didn’t know what I would do, and the more I tried to put myself in her shoes, the more I only confused, and frustrated myself. Being unable to come up with any concrete answer for myself the questions once again changed.

I suppose it was only natural that the next step would be to question myself, and the right to my feelings? Did I have any right to expect anything from E? She had, after all, given me up for adoption. She was my mother, but she hadn’t mothered me. She had agreed to contact, but it had been months with no reply to my letter. I had chosen to always believe in the pretty story from the little book. Mothers, who gave up their children for adoption, did so because they loved them. They had no choice because they were unmarried. Wasn’t that just how it was? Now that I was at an age when I could have been in such a position, it was getting harder to understand, and accept the status quo. As the one given away, well, it was even harder to blindly accept the pretty story I had chosen to believe for so long.

I never once believed, then, or now, that E didn’t, or doesn’t, love me. Believing that did not stop the feelings of being unwanted, or the feelings of rejection, I felt but still didn’t recognize. Being an unwanted pregnancy, or child, whether it is true or not, no matter the complexity of it, when you are the one, who was adopted, and reality begins to set in, it takes a lot of effort to stop that thought from crossing your mind. When you are the one given up, trying to make sense of the loss and grief, how can you not feel those types of feelings? It was all becoming so confusing. I didn’t know what to think, what to feel, or what to do.

Trying to make sense of it all only created more questions, and they wouldn’t stop coming. I couldn’t stand it any longer. I was all out of patience. I finally called Carol to ask if she had heard anything, anything at all, from E. Carol’s tone this time wasn’t quite as excited, and possibly even a little concerned. She had not talked to E, but said she would give her a call. I found only a little comfort in knowing Carol would call E. A little comfort is better than none.

When more weeks, and then months, went by with no word, or response from E, my feelings became harder to escape. The excuses, and rationalizations, I made for myself, no longer mattered. The questions in my mind more intense. I had to protect myself. The back and forth struggle in my mind between, the unrealized, anger at her placing me, the new, unrecognized, feeling of rejection, and my attempts to understand what she must have been going through, were only getting more intense.

I still would not allow the thought of her not responding to cross my mind, and even if I didn’t know rejection was what I was feeling, the feeling itself was something I had to put a stop to. I shoved it down, and shut it off. What choice did I have?  God bless anger. Sometimes it is a lifesaver, or at least a sanity saver. If anger is how we protect ourselves from pain, how could I not, finally, work my way back to being just plain old mad.

Plain old mad was the only emotion I could really understand, and at the time it was the safest one too. . I began telling myself that E’s lack of response was just rude. It was inconsiderate. I was angry at E, and, at least, rudeness was a legitimate, not to mention, concrete, thing to be mad about.  I couldn’t believe anyone could be so inconsiderate as to take so long to respond to a letter. There was no reason for it. I told myself it had nothing to do with me, or adoption. Yes, it was just plain old rude, and that was all there was to it. Believe me; it was much easier to think that than all the things I had been thinking before.

I can’t honestly say I remember just how many months passed after I sent that first letter, before I finally heard from Carol. I think it was about six, but could have been less. As far as I’m concerned, it seemed like a lifetime between the time I sent my first letter off, and the time I finally received the call from Carol, letting me know she had received a letter from E, and had forwarded it to me. I can’t describe the relief I felt at that moment. All the anger, frustration, fear, and anxiety were simply wiped away, gone just like that. At least I thought it was, for the moment anyway?

I rushed home from work for the next day or two, running to my mailbox, and finally, there it was; my letter from E. The anxiety of the past several months seemed to have just disappeared as I held that letter. It didn’t matter anymore. The only thing that mattered now was the letter; my birth mother’s letter to me.

 

Questions to mull on…

Have you ever stopped and thought about how the fact that prettying up adoption language by using euphemisms, is in reality, a direct insult to your intelligence? 

How the industry has designed a whole new language that diminishes reality, and replaces it with a fairy-tale version that they want you to believe.  That perhaps because societal mores do not dictate surrender for unwed mothers anymore, that they needed to create another alternate reality of adoption, for their industry to survive?

Some words and statements in PAL are worse than others, but really stop and consider whether the words reflect the full truth, or are just cleverly designed euphemisms to “mislead or at least put a positive spin on events“?

A euphemism is the substitution of a mild, inoffensive, relatively uncontroversial phrase for another more frank expression that might offend or otherwise suggest something unpleasant to the audience.

Some euphemisms are intended to amuse, while others are created to mislead or at least put a positive spin on events – one of the more stark examples being friendly fire, which means accidentally firing at and perhaps killing troops that are ostensible allies.

I was thinking about the abhorrent “She loved you so much she made an adoption plan“, and how that phrase may come to be the next generation of adoptees most discussed phrase.  Do you think it will?

Now stop and think about the “birthmother” counselling.  Do you think that they “doublespeak” the different options the mother has, in words designed to steer the mother into realizing that adoption, is really the only option a good mother would choose?

“Doublespeak is language which pretends to communicate but doesn’t. It is language which makes the bad seem good, the negative seem positive, the unpleasant seem unattractive, or at least tolerable. It is language which avoids, shifts or denies responsibility; language which is at variance with its real or purported meaning. It is language which conceals or prevents thought.”

“The selfless mother chooses what is best for her child and realizing she cannot give her child everything they deserve, chooses adoption.  The selfish mother chooses what is best for her, and denies her child all the things they could have in an adoptive home.” 

Adoption equals selfless, Parenting equals selfish.  What other definition could you give to statements like above except “doublespeak“?

Does anyone honestly think that they tell mothers considering adoption, that adoptees don’t always “do just fine“?

That there are problems with identity? 

Feelings of abandonment?

Feeling not good enough?

The deep desire to know your parents, where you came from, and why?

That sometimes the trauma breaks the adoptee?

Have you ever heard of any agency having a mother make a list of what the child will lose, as well as her family, if she chooses adoption?  I haven’t, only what she cannot give to the child and what she will be giving up if she parents…sad isn’t it.

Don’t you think it is time to get all the lies, half-truths, and lies by omission out of adoption?

 

Different topics, lots of links…

In my reading ventures this week, I have found a wide range of topics worth linking to.

From the World of Adoption:

A post by an adoptee that gave me hope. 15th Annual Kids’ Adoption Network Conference.

Meeting another adoptee, who also just happens to be the blogger on Yoon’s Blur. Meeting new people (Mirror, Mirror) 

From the DC community and the Center for Genetics and Society:

Damian’s answer to comedy about donor conception – short, sweet, and to the point.

Link to Preview of Anonymous Fathers Day.  You can also view the full documentary on-line for a very small price – a couple of lattes.  Anyone considering DC or chose DC should be viewing it – sadly the cynic in me says that few can go outside of their own desires.  Prove me wrong.

From the Center for Genetics and Society. This blog post Bay Area Local News Reports on Asian Egg Market includes a video you must watch, but also highlights exactly what was left out in the video, but also failed to have the conversation on the impact to the actual individuals – the donor conceived. You really should watch this video. How far people are willing to go to have a child and how much they are willing to pay to get just that PERFECT EGG. You just have to wonder where this is going to end.  By the way – it is wrong and still wrong because no one put the donor conceived needs first and foremost, just like in adoption they are the last ones considered.

Again, from the Center for Genetics and Society this article that speaks directly to what was left out of the video in the above blog post.  Doctors Warn of Potentially Fatal Complications in Fertility Treatments.

Switching topics completely onto the reality of Pepper Spray and the OWS:

Do you have any idea how hot pepper spray really is?  I didn’t, and I cannot imagine anyone else does either.  This is nothing like touching your eye after chopping a hot pepper.  Must read.  Good to know in case you’re on the #OWS lines.  Do read the link in the post “excellent Atlantic roundup” as you will view the pictures and videos in that article with an entirely new reality of their pain, after you find out just how hot pepper spray really is.

Anthropology News has an interesting post on OWS from an anthropological view.  Occupy Wall Street; Occupy the World and a couple of interesting comments.

Onto the bizarre and amazing reality and beauty of nature:

Neat Videos of Octopus Walking on Land and the Super Stealthy Mimic Octopus. “In our continuing coverage of just how neat these animals are, check out this video showing an octopus taking a stroll on the beach at the Fitzgerald Marine Reserve in Moss Beach, California.”

I had no idea an octopus would ever get out of the ocean, just did not cross my mind, but how amazing to be on the beach with your kids and see this happen.  Well worth watching even if it kind of weird.  Apparently there are videos of walking sharks on this site as well, although I did not view them.

I saw the following photographs yesterday taken by Eric Hines, and have honestly never seen nature like this.  If you only view one link, this is it and it will take your breath away and leave you wanting more.

 

Sort of, kind of, snarky today…

I was musing this morning on why some prospective parents act the way they do.  They desperately want to adopt a child, yet they don’t like to hear about what that child may feel growing up and into adulthood.  They want to tie a yellow ribbon and consider life will be glowing hearts and kisses their entire lives.  Yet no one lives the enchanted life – that isn’t realistic. 

Instead they either want the on-line adoptee to give them a quick fix way to make sure their child never feels that way, or they want to know what our parents did wrong.  The former is impossible, and the latter is just plain old insulting to our parents who, ahem, are also adoptive parents.  Way to alienate the adoptee.  Tell us we are either messed up, or our parents messed up.  Great way to get our respect and willingness to help, and you know, if you want to learn something from us, you need to respect the individual who actually knows first hand, the feelings.

Platitudes of how a friends child doesn’t feel loss, just doesn’t cut it.  Stories of what your child tells you they feel, doesn’t cut it.  Really, we don’t tell our parents a blow by blow of the pain felt by the loss of our other family.  No one would do that – you might beat around the bush and admit to feelings of curiosity, but you aren’t going to go into detail on indepth private feelings that could hurt the listener.  That is why we blog – so you get a glimpse of the feelings your child may experience but will most likely never share with you.

We are not here to pat you on the back and tell you yes, you are doing the right thing.  

International adoption will never, ever, cure the orphan crisis.  It won’t even make a dent in it.  Until you, the people who spend the tens of thousands of dollars adopting, require that a good chunk of your fees goes into family preservation in country, then the industry will just continue on using the orphan crisis as a way to make more money.  I am not speaking about the adoption industry spending the money directly – I am saying they need to give it to an entity that is not in any way shape or form beholden or affliated with the adoption industry.  One whose board members have no ties to the adoption industry.  One that works towards creating a self-sustaining legacy for stabilazation of communities in need. 

On the domestic adoption front the exact same thing must happen.  If you would never wish to be in the position where you had to give your baby away, then you must also want others never to be in the same position.  Right now the adoption industry is quite happy to settle for status quo – their clients don’t care as long as they get their children, and they will continue to push the gospel of children loosing their families, so other families can have them. 

My words come off snarky at times, or even all the time.  It comes from watching willful ignorance, and ignorant behavior by those who are going to be the parents of the current generation of adoptees.  Of course I am going to snark.  Yet, I also find it highly amusing that a parent blogger can be snarky and cutting, and is wildly applauded for telling it like it is, and writing in exactly the same tone.

My advice – grow up and listen to the message and don’t ask asinine or rhetorical questions.  If you start to feel defensive look inside yourself – usually you can find why you are feeling guilty, and therefore defensive.  I’ll give you a hint – you most likely spent more time researching both the pro’s and con’s of the last car you bought, than you did looking into the entire picture of what the adoption industry is. 

Listen to what others are saying your child may feel. Store the knowledge away so you are aware, and never ever lie to your child.  There are enough lies deeply entrenched in adoption as it is – no need to add to problem. 

Stand up and support your adoptees’ rights to their own original birth certificates – start working on getting the lies out of adoption. 

Demand that those working within the adoption industry, are also working daily, to put themselves out of business.  Shouldn’t that be the starting goal/mission statement of any industry that works on the behalf of children?

 

Adoption today is so different…

I do not know a single adoptee who has not been told how different adoption is today than our era.  It always amazes me that people think that society and adoption today is that different from yesterday.  Sure we have more gadgets and the internet, but do you really think it is any different at its base level?

I was on one of my favorite websites today “The Adoption History Project“ and found some contradictions to the meme of adoption being different today.  Then I took a break from writing this post, and went over to see what Amanda at Declassified Adoptee had today and found this post.

On the Catholic Conference and New Jersey’s Conditional Veto a guest entry by Susan Perry.

As you will see above and below that nothing has really changed – what is going on now is what going on 30 years ago.  Block any move for adoptee rights.  Back then it was to get a national adoption registry established, today, it is to open our records at the state level, but the pro-adoption lobby groups then, and now, put up road blocks every single time. 

National Committee for Adoption, “About Adoption and Privacy of Records,” 1982

(Yes, same organization as the NCFA today, they changed their name from Committee to Council, and now seem to be trying to drop the National and be known only as Council for Adoption). 

The book below talks about how adoption activists, American Adoption Congress (AAC), Concerned United Birthparents (CUB), Jean Paton, supported this national registry and how William “Bill” Pierce then president of the NCFA effectively derailed the act that would have created the registry.

Family Matters: Secrecy and Disclosure in the History of Adoption By E. Wayne Carp

“In 1981 Senator Carl Levin of MI introduced the Adoption Identification Act, which provided for a voluntary national computerized data bank – a clearinghouse – through which adult adoptees, after registering, would be matched with their biological relatives. At a Senate hearing on adoption issues, Levin defended the bill’s utility by noting that an adoption registry preserved “the delicate balance” between the adoptees who felt a need to know more about their own history and birth parents who chose not to communicate with children they relinquished decades earlier. Levin also emphasized the necessity that both parties consent to the exchange of information, a proviso “designed to avoid intrusion into the life of either party or violation of constitutional privacy rights”.”…

“William Pierce, president of the National Committee for Adoption, brought up an entirely different issue. He opposed the bill because it did not define a match as the voluntary registration of all three members of the biological family, thus insisting that the biological father also register, an impossibly high standard. Pierce explained that without all three parties consenting it was likely that the privacy of one of them would be violated. He envisioned a scene where the birth mother would reveal the identity of the birth father without his consent. In addition, Pierce refused to support the bill because it failed to require the involvement of a qualified social worker as an intermediary once a match was achieved or specify a penalty for any adoption agency that violated the confidentiality of the sealed records.”

Note that many/most states at the time and before did not allow the original birth certificate to list the father’s name if they were not married to the mother, nor were they part of the surrender process and had no rights by law…but suddenly the fathers are oh so important and have rights to be protected? Yet even today, many agencies are highly practiced in working around having a father involved in the adoption process, and if they do want to parent their child the agencies fight tooth and nail in the courts to deny those fathers their right to parent. So fathers rights are important when it suits their purpose but just a nuisance when it doesn’t?

Yet that not the only areas where things really haven’t changed in adoption, it goes further as the links will show.  Our parents homestudies while perhaps not identical were in-depth and intrusive.  Minorities were dealt with differently (as in less than).  Our parents weren’t told not to tell us we were adopted.  Links below are all to the “Adoption History Project” at the University of Oregon and are short one page articles.

Myth: The Homestudies today are SO different, intrusive, comprehensive.

Helen Fradkin, “Outline for Adoption Studies,” 1954

Child Welfare League of America, Rating Sheet for Prospective Parents, 1962

Not really different here either – today it is cost of adoption fees by race, yesterday it was different eligibility requirements

Louise Wise Services, Different Eligibility Requirements for Different Children, 1961

Myth: Adoptive Parents were told not to tell 

Agency Philosophy and Policy Regarding the “Telling” of Adoption, 1966

Joan Lawrence, “The Truth Hurt Our Adopted Daughter,” 1963

So tell me really what has changed? When the current generation of adoptees are my age will one write a post similar to this post stating that NOTHING has really changed?