There are so many elephants in the middle of the room in the world of adoption that I think there is a herd of elephants standing in the way of real conversation. Usually I do not use qualifiers (titles) but this post needs them.
In this world of adoption land that takes one individual from one family and makes them part of another family, there is this ongoing concept of the “perpetual child“ labelled the adoptee. Common statements today call the new family the “forever family” instead of the adoptive family (or in my terms “family”). Prospective adoptive parents wish and wait impatiently for their “forever child” not their adopted child. Adoptive parents are encouraged to choose language to teach their child that their adoption was a “one time event” and not something that is part of the identity of the “forever child“.
The adoptee also known as the “forever child” may be part of any number of studies* or success stories long before they have the adult capabilities to make a decision on whether they wish to be studied or held up as success stories. The studies cover a wide variety of topics from attachment to IQ’s to identity and well-being. If in fact the young adoptee is the one who answers the questions vs. the adoptive parents speaking on their behalf you really have to stop and ask yourself just how valid that answer will be in 20 years, will it have changed as the child matures and sees life through a much different lens than that of a 5, 10, or 15-year-old? Have you asked yourself why you cannot find studies where the adoptee is an adult and the questions are focused not on how their life was as a child and the interactions as a family, but rather on how they now view all the parameters of adoption and the impact it really had on them throughout their life? But that is not the point of the studies. The point of the studies is to prove that adoptees do “just fine” being the “forever child” in the “forever family” and that “the adoption was just a one time event“. The results of the carefully designed study is highlighted and broadcast by the adoption industry, and happily accepted by adoptive parents and those waiting to become adoptive parents. It gives them hope.
In vivid contrast to the studies in today’s world of blogging there are real voices of adult adoptees that tell it like it is, each different, each unique, all important, and all have the same underlying theme, being an adoptee. These voices are not the voices of the young “forever child” answering predetermined carefully worded questions designed to produce the results the study wanted, they are the voices of adopted adults who have the guts to stand up and say wait a minute, there is much more to being an adoptee than the adoption industry told you. There can be pain, loss, feelings of rejection, lack of genetic mirroring, lack of self-identity, knowledge and a whole lot of questions and feelings that no one wants to talk about including the fact that we are adoptees for life and it wasn’t a one time event, the elephant in the room no one wants to see or accept it is there. That we speak up for our benefit in making sense of these feelings, finding our own support community that really understands, something many of us never had until now.
That many of us also think it is important for the next generation of adoptees to understand it is normal to have these feelings and understand others have felt these things too, and that means we want you (adoptive parents and prospectives) to listen, think, mull, and take our words to heart, interact with us and not just give lip service and then dismiss us as mal-adjusted like the blog in this post by Von.
But to do that you need to remember our blogs are not parent blogs about day-to-day stuff, they are blogs about common topics we adult adoptees want to talk about, things about adoption that impact us. You may find snippets of day-to-day stuff mixed in, but it is being adopted that brings us together and gets us talking. Blogs where viewpoints differ, but we all have adoption in common that bind us together and we talk about what needs fixing, acknowledging, working through the tough parts, what angers us, what makes us feel hopeful, many, many other things, but they should never be confused as a diary of our day-to-day life and interactions.
And yet it seems there is always the adoptive parent or prospective adoptive parent who just simply cannot wrap their head around the fact that a) there is a specific reason for these blogs and followers which is to talk about adoption and the impact on us, b) that we are more than just what is talked about on these blogs, c) that we are not “forever children” but in reality we are living, breathing, adult individuals that have families, vacations, children, puppies, careers, friends, gym memberships, degrees, and have the ability to form our own opinions about many things, including adoption.
And while there are more and more eyes wide open and willing to listen adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents, there are many more who only provide lip service, or trust what their agency said, or that their child has never felt that way (you all need to please trust me it isn’t easy to say negative things about being adopted to your parents).
Others simply cannot get past the fact that we aren’t children and question us over and over whether or not we love our parents. That somehow we must not love our parents if we are thinking critically about adoption. I am so done with that question and I dare each of you to think back to the last time you had an opinion on something that someone did not like – did they turn around and ask you if you loved your parents? Seriously - enough is enough. Melissa at Yoon’s Blur was just subjected to this again and wrote yet another post on this topic even though she has done this countless times, the question always pops up in comments.
So please consider how your words impact us and how it would feel if you were the group that was forever dismissed as being “forever children” of a “one time event” that in reality lasts a lifetime and impacts us in numerous ways and yet are treated by some as if you the “parent” always know best, regardless if we are old enough to be your parents…we are pretty easy to get along with if you are willing to accept that we know from our own lived experiences what it is like to be an adoptees, something a non-adopted individual will never be able to duplicate simply because you aren’t adopted.
*Studies – I am in two different studies for my rare disease. Before I became part of either study they talked to me about the study extensively including, any known impact it could have on me, how the info would be used, the ethical considerations, the privacy of the participants, and then a written statement confirming these details requesting my agreement to participate…that is how a participant should be treated…think about that and then about all the unethical adoption studies that have been done on children, specifically the separating of twins just to study nurture vs. nature…
Tags: adoption impact, expectations, truth
Just quoting a small portion of the article about an interesting memo submitted with his OBC…
It makes me wonder if the public at large realize the sheer number of adoptees who only have a Certificate of Live Birth because we aren’t allowed anything else…
The image came with an accompanying memo from a member of Trump’s staff.
“A ‘birth certificate’ and a ‘certificate of live birth’ are in no way the same thing, even though in some cases they use some of the same words,” wrote Trump staffer Thuy Colayco in a message to ABC News. “One officially confirms and records a newborn child’s identity and details of his or her birth, while the other only confirms that someone reported the birth of a child. Also, a ‘certificate of live birth’ is very easy to get because the standards are much lower, while a ‘birth certificate’ is only gotten through a long and detailed process wherein identity must be proved beyond any doubt. If you had only a certificate of live birth, you would not be able to get a proper passport from the Post Office or a driver’s license from the Department of Motor Vehicles. Therefore, there is very significant difference between a ‘certificate of live birth’ and a ‘birth certificate’ and one should never be confused with the other.”
Tags: Adoptee Rights, closed records
I have heard many times that Steve Jobs is adopted. I have seen him held up as an example of an adoption success story. About how much he valued his parents and did not have typical adoptee ‘issues’. All good things and how adoptive parents hoped their children would feel like he did.
Fair enough, but yet I felt a twinge of something each time he was held up as the ultimate adoptee for us to emulate instead of wanting to search or change laws or make sure ethics mattered most in adoption. It wasn’t his success or brilliance that bothered me, but being honest, it was the fact that it seemed like unwittingly, he had left those behind who needed to explore what being adopted meant to them, those that wanted to make people understand the losses felt, those with horror stories of abusive parents, and that all was not perfect in the world of adoption. That he could do more for adoptee rights in one day, than others could do in a year.
And so I find out today I was wrong about the searching and that info came out in 1997, that he did search and that his sister is his best friend. How did I not know this? Did you?
But, Jobs says, since he was a teen-ager he had tried to locate his biological family. He had nearly given up when he discovered, at the age of 27, that his biological parents had another child later whom they had kept, his younger sister. For reasons of privacy, Jobs explains, he won’t discuss his biological parents or how he ultimately tracked down his sister.
As it turns out, his sister is the novelist Mona Simpson, whose new book, ”A Regular Guy,” is about a Silicon Valley entrepreneur who bears a striking resemblance to Steve Jobs. After they met, Jobs forged a relationship with her, often visiting her in Manhattan, where she lived and still maintains an apartment. Theirs is a connection that, to this day, neither Jobs nor Simpson have discussed in the press, and now do so sparingly. ”My brother and I are very close,” Simpson says. ”I admire him enormously.”Jobs says only: ”We’re family. She’s one of my best friends in the world. I call her and talk to her every couple of days.”
Could it be that he is actually trying to show that not all US Citizens can produce a Long Form Original Birth Certificate?
I know, pipe dreams… But it would be really funny if he cannot provide an Official NY OBC, you know with a raised seal and all, that isn’t dated months or years after his actual birth…and actually contains details about his birth, and in reality can only provide an ABC – also know as a Certificate of Live Birth to non-adoptees?
Make sure and click on the links in the article to see his unofficial hospital birth certificate…
Watching the news this morning on NBC Good Morning America and they were talking about the Supreme Court ruling on whether a class action case against Walmart can go ahead. The case is that Walmart discriminates against their female employees. The video clip is titled Women v. Walmart and the Walmart spokesperson speaks about 1.25 minutes into the clip…and says the following quote…
The plaintiffs in this case want to lump over 1.5 million women who work for Walmart into the case even many who had ‘positive experiences’.
I have heard ‘positive experiences’ used many times over the years as a way to brush off, deny, refute an adoptee’s experience and know just how much it triggers me, but never expected to be triggered by its use in another context but here I am needing to say: Just because a person can have a positive experience they can still have been impacted in many ways, and in this aspect may have been discriminated against because they are female…how dismissive can you be?
Once again the ‘posivitive experience’ statement used to shut down and dismiss the individuals who stood up as just angry mal-adjusted and that they should just get over it…
Sex outside marriage should be illegal, says Parnell nominee
JUNEAU — Gov. Sean Parnell’s appointee for the panel that nominates state judges testified Wednesday that he would like to see Alaskans prosecuted for having sex outside of marriage.
Can you imagine being prosecuted for having pre-marital sex? I can only imagine what the penalty would be for any that got pregnant…what is this world coming too…
