(Edited to change title from Twenty-seven…to the correct Twenty-eight)
All month-long I have tried to stay on the positive side of adoption while talking about the hard stuff as well. It has been a good excercise for me and I hope for anyone who reads this blog. Today I am kind of fed up and need to vent…don’t go any further if you think you will be upset because you may disagree – you’re welcome to disagree – but these things bother me because they happen over and over and over again. Note the term birth is used here simply because it is used elsewhere – I don’t use it in real life because to me it is demeaning.
Things said to me (or read my me) that are guaranteed to make me cringe…
Not all biological familes….look alike, or share the same personality, or get along, or have their family health history, or loves their kids…whichever statement applies to an adoptees specific words on the subject of being an adoptee…
You could have been aborted…obviously I wasn’t so your point is…
Your mother loved you enough to give you away….of course said in PAL terminology, NO it does not make me feel special it makes me feel less than and flawed…
She promised to give us her child…said after a mother decides to parent who was in one of those pre-birth matching schemes
It isn’t in the best interests of OUR child to have contact right now with the birthfamily…sounds like a really lame excuse when you have no definitive reason to stop contact…why not just say you can’t be bothered anymore…
What if the child (approx 9) does not want us to send pictures and updates…used as an excuse to stop sending updates – gee wonder who picked up on whose vibes here…
OUR birthmother gave us such a precious GIFT…I literally cringe when I read or hear this – adoptees are not gifts – we are human beings - have a little respect…
OUR birthmother said she was not coerced and is happy that she placed her child – said to the parents who hold the key to keeping the adoption open
OUR adoption was going along fine until we found out the BIRTHFATHER was going to contest the adoption…and it was a year before it was resolved - so much wrong with this sense of entitlement I can’t even begin to explain…
We have passed out all our ‘hoping to adopt’ business pass along cards…the whole business card concept creeps me out and I really hope you aren’t handing them out to any pregnant women you see who doesn’t have a ring on their finger
Help us fundraise for our adoption…something else that doesn’t sit right with me – do they give the money back after they use the adoption tax credit (pretty sure they don’t) and besides you know that you could simply put the amount of a car payment away for 4 or 5 years and not need to fundraise to adopt…
The term ‘forever families’…doesn’t work for me…won’t ever work for me…if you want to be a family just be a family…
Von
November 29, 2010 at 4:56 am
Agree with every word and cringe.Forever families so often aren’t etc, etc.I have blogged long on some of these points but adoption stills sneeks up and gives me a clout every now and again –I didn’t know about “hoping to adopt” cards, how very distasteful! Cake stalls and outright begging for money also give me the creeps, as for the rest, if you’ve seen my blog you know my views.
cb
November 29, 2010 at 7:30 am
“What if the child (approx 9) does not want us to send pictures and updates…used as an excuse to stop sending updates – gee wonder who picked up on whose vibes here”
Yes, I’ve often thought that a child of that age might say he doesn’t want anything to do with his bfamily because he has picked up the vibes of his aparents.
“Help us fundraise for our adoption…something else that doesn’t sit right with me – do they give the money back after they use the adoption tax credit (pretty sure they don’t) and besides you know that you could simply put the amount of a car payment away for 4 or 5 years and not need to fundraise to adopt…”
If you gave that money to the birthmother, she probably wouldn’t need to relinquish her child.
Von, I am glad that I live in Australia like you.
shadowtheadoptee
November 29, 2010 at 4:31 pm
Hoping to adopt cards: How desperate is that? seriously? It makes my stomach turn.
Fund raising: As with the “hope to adopt” cards, screams desperate to be a parent. I wonder how many PAPs “fund raise” the money to adopt from foster care?
Networking: That one still bumfuzzles me. The things that go through my vivid, imaginative mind just scares the heck out of me.
Just sad.
Sunday
November 30, 2010 at 7:15 am
“Your mother loved you enough to give you away” I HATE THIS ONE!!!! NOT TRUE and an awful thing to tell a child!
-It didn’t hit me until the other day when I was talking to my “real mom”, she was told this so much as a kid, and maybe that’s why she kept trying to give me away! I am always talking about RAMIFICATIONS…
You have done a great job this month! I have read along every day, your posts come up on my phone when I am out and about which is why I haven’t gotten to comment much…ADD ya know. Any way, I just wanted you to know I have been here with you, and will be until the next long haul of NAAM. Oh man!
The adopted ones
November 30, 2010 at 2:26 pm
Von – I read your blog all the time…
CB – that’s my take on it – you know what your parents want and of course as a child you want it too. The fundraisers simply slay me.
Shadow – the ‘pass along’ cards – have heard of PAPS handing them out to pregnant women they see without rings which really makes me cringe – My wedding ring had to come off by 4 months or they would have had to cut it off…duh…
Sunday – thanks for checking in each day – I have to admit I am really worn down trying to do this and have neglected other areas. I check in on you too and see you know all to well the effects of aphasia and if you ever need to talk I am here, even if mine is a different type – the frustrations would be the same I would expect.
Von and Sunday – sometimes I try to leave comments but seem to have problems with blogger…